


Letters to Riku

by live_die_be



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-05-21
Updated: 2012-09-02
Packaged: 2017-11-05 19:09:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 16
Words: 75,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/410014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/live_die_be/pseuds/live_die_be
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Six months after their return to Destiny Islands, Riku disappeared. Ever since then, Sora has been writing letters to Riku. Set post KH2, canon-verse SoRiku.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

> This is a 366 day challenge that I challenged myself to, a chapter a day. It was posted on ff.net first. It's being posted here in 10 chapter chunks, without any of my AN's for easier reading. If you want to follow it day-by-day, I'm live.die.be on ff.net. 
> 
> Crossposted to ff.net and LJ.

January 2nd, 2012

Dear Riku,

The memorial stone was put up on your island today, I watched your parents as they placed it. They don't even have a body to bury, so they put up a stone for you.

I hate it.

It's cold and hard and nothing like you were. It's so impersonal, the only thing it said was "In memory of Riku." Nothing else. No, "he was loved" or anything at all. After all, it's not like you're dead. So why is it in memory of?

Kairi and me visited your paopu tree today, after we visited the memorium stone. Kairi cried. I did too, a little. I shouldn't have, I already cried too much for you since you disappeared. We shared a paopu fruit, from your paopu tree, and Kairi said that since we shared it, we'll never part. We'd never be away from each other. She said that if all three of us had eaten one together, that maybe we'd still be together. We'd still be the three musketeers.

We shared a paopu once too, do you remember? I didn't tell Kairi that. She might hate me for it. She's still holding onto that silly little girls mentality where she though she was in love with you. And maybe it's just me clinging on to that old legend, but I can't shake the feeling I'll see you again. One day. Our destinies are supposedly intertwined now, since we shared that paopu.

Later, after Kairi left, when it was dark out, I went to the rock with the plaque that your parents put up. I don't know how long I sat there and cried.

It was strange, seeing that stone with your name. Saying in memory of. It makes it seem like you're dead. You not though, I know you're not dead. But seeing that stone today...it made me realise that maybe you're really never coming back. That maybe I'll never see you again. That maybe I should forget about you. I could never forget you though.

I know I shouldn't after so long, but I still miss you so much.

Your friend,

Sora

**********

**Two years, three months ago**

September 29th, 2009

Dear Riku,

I'm only writing to you because the therapist that my parents are making me see told me it would be "beneficial to get my emotions out on paper". I really hate her.

She's one of those head shrink types, and she keeps asking me how this makes me feel. This, you just disappearing like that. I don't want to talk about it, but she doesn't understand that at all. No one does. They think that I need to talk about everything I'm feeling.

I don't need a therapist, I mean, I guess I might have stopped eating, and I didn't leave the house for a month after they said you were missing but it's not like you're dead. You can't be dead. I won't let you be.

When the cops came asking questions I never told them about the address you gave me, the one you wrote on the back of my hand with black ink and told me to never tell anyone. I kept my promise, I never told anyone.

I keep my promises, not like you. You said you'd never leave. You did, though. You left.

The shrink told me to start a journal. This a isn't exactly a journal, but it feels more normal. Why would I tell a piece of paper how I feel when I have you to write to. I hope you get these.

I could send them to your email, but you must have given me this address for a reason. It's old fashioned and completely out of date, but when I went to buy the envelopes and the stamps for them, it felt like when we were little and used to pass notes in school on old mismatched stationary our moms would give us. Just think of these as notes in school, and think of when we were younger, before everything happened. It makes me a little happier to think of then. Maybe it'll make you happy too, where ever you are.

I'd go looking for you if I could, but I don't have any idea where to start looking. And I know it would tear up my mom if I up and vanished again.

I don't know where you are or if you've even going to get these letters, but if you do, know that I miss you and that nothing feels the same without you here. I know that sounds like a bad teen romance novel cliche, but it's true. Nothing seems right anymore without you here.

I miss you.

Your friend,

Sora

**********

January 3rd, 2012

Dear Riku,

I keep hoping that it'll snow during winter, like it did on some of the other worlds I saw, but it never does, because it's always warm here. Christmas was weird without you, just like it was the last two years. Your parents came over to my house for dinner this time, I think that their place felt too empty without you. You never saw snow, did you? You would have loved it. Every single snowflake has a different pattern. They're beautiful and they seem almost magical.

We would have graduated that spring, remember? We were going to spend that summer off world and I was going to introduce you to all the people I had met and take you to all the worlds I visited.

I'm starting college in the fall. I took a year off, hoping that you might come home. I wanted to be here for it. We were going to go to college together, remember? We were going to get a little apartment together. We even had it picked out. Kairi was going to get the one above us, and we'd be together still. Kairi decided to take pre med, she decided she wants to be a nurse, she wants to help people. She seems so naive, even now. So sweet, so nice. Not like I am.

Kairi and me are going to get an apartment together instead. Somehow it feels like she's waiting for me to do something. I think she's waiting for me to ask her out. I don't think she realizes it's not highschool anymore and I don't like her like that. I don't think she realizes she's not a kid anymore, that we grew up a long time ago.

I haven't decided what I want my major to be yet. We were going to choose together, do you remember? We were going to be in the same courses. We wanted to stay together, always.

A long time ago, when we first found Destiny Islands again, you said that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. I laughed at you, because you sounded like a teen romance book and it was such a cliche moment. We were down by the ocean, it was dark out, and we had snuck out to go swimming in the ocean.

I wish I hadn't laughed at you now.

I visited your paopu tree again today. Maybe it's just the realization that college is starting in the fall and I'm growing up and you're gone, but I'm feeling nostalgic. Everything is linked to some sort of memory with you.

I miss you.

Your friend,

Sora

**********

January 4th, 2012

Dear Riku,

It feels like summer here compared to some of the other worlds I visited. It's only going to get hotter now that winter, or at least what can pass for winter here, is almost over.

Kairi brought over the course catalogue for Destiny Islands University today. She's planning on taking pre med and whatever other courses she needs for nursing. I'm still not sure what I want to take. I can't see myself as a corporate person in a five piece suit, it's such a bizzare mental image. A little like thinking of how you would look in a suit or a tux. I can't really see myself as anything, anymore. I used to want to be a teacher, remember? I wanted to be an elementry school teacher and work with children. I loved children.

So many of the courses sound interesting. Archeology, psychology, the courses about all different kinds of religion, art courses. I want to take everything and at the same time, I don't want to take anything at all. I don't want to start anything without you. We were going to choose our courses together so that we'd stay together.

I may be the Keyblade master, but that doesn't mean I know what I want to be. At least, I don't anymore.

Sometimes it feels like Kairi still wants me to be like I was before we all left Destiny Islands, all those years ago. She doesn't understand that while she might not have changed, we did. We're not the same people that we were, anymore.

You understood that, you understood why I'd wake up screaming from nightmares about the Darkness and the Heartless. Just like I understood why you used to go into these phases where you'd stare at the wall and wouldn't speak and wouldn't move for hours on end.

I don't have nightmares about the Darkness anymore. I have nightmares about you being dead. Or I have nightmares about watching you die. I know you're not though. Dead or dieing that is.

I keep thinking of going looking for you. I know that I can't.

I hate feeling useless like this, not knowing what happened to you, even though it's been so long. I don't know what to do anymore.

I miss you.

Your friend,

Sora

**********

**Two years, three months ago**

September 31st, 2009

Dear Riku,

The fruit on your paopu tree is so perfectly ripe now. I'll miss all of it's sweetly smelling blossoms, but the fresh fruit more than makes up for it.

I've been spending all of my time out of school on your island, I'm writing to you from it. It's like my lifeline to you.

School has been... trying, the normality of it sometimes makes me want to just scream. You never got a chance to go back to school, you vanished just before the summer ended. You would have hated it even more than I do. Kairi integrated herself back into everything so easily, but it's not so easy for me. I'm trying but things are so weird. Everyone seems so much younger than me now.

Sometimes...I wish that we'd never left Destiny Islands. That we were more normal and more sane. I don't think I'm all that sane anymore, or all that normal anymore. Things are so confusing now.

This is why I've been spending most if my time on your island. Because to hang out with all of my old friends, Tidus, Wakka, any of them, it feels wrong. Like I'm bad for them or something.

You understood me, Riku, I need you here.

I miss you.

Your friend,

Sora

**********

**Two years, two months ago**

October 11th, 2009

Dear Riku,

Remember when we were little, when we were ten or twelve, how we used to make up our own fairytales? We would say that we didn't like how the ones in the books ended. I always said that the villains were misguided, and just needed someone to show them the right way. You always used to say that if anyone could reform the villains that I could be the one.

You knew the right thing to say to wrap anyone around your little finger even back then. So charming, all of the girls loved you. Funny how those little, seemingly meaningless conversations we had back then would be foreshadowing for the rest of our lives.

We'd lay in the grass on that hill by the school, you know the one, the one with that big peach tree that always had the sweetest, juiciest fruit on the very highest branches that I used to climb up and pick for us. We used to lay there and you make up stories for me, while I'd weave a chain of dandylions to put in your hair. You'd tell tales where I was the hero and you were my sidekick, the one who was always there to help. Kairi would always be the princess, the damsel in distress. I thought I was in love with her, remember? I wanted to marry her. Little did I know my prince charming was the one who made up fairy tales for me.

Sometimes, when the dandilions were all fluffy and perfect, we'd blow the seeds into the wind, and make wishes if we got them all in one breath.

We were so innocent and young, we didn't know any better than to only ever think of girls. I know better now though. I know you.

I loved your hair, it was so exotic and unusual, something new and interesting for me. That silver, like nothing else I've ever seen. It was so soft, I loved running my fingers through it. It still is, I suppose, even if you're not here for me to see it.

I never got to tell you about all my adventures when we returned to Destiny Islands, you disappeared too soon. In my next letter, I'll start. It'll be like you were there the whole time, you'll know everything I did while I was away.

I'll tell you real life tales of my journey's, I really was the hero. Kairi was the damsel in distress, a real princess. And you were the villain, at least, one of them, I suppose. I reformed you though, just like you always said I would.

I miss you so much.

Your friend,

Sora

**********

**Two years, two months ago**

October 13th, 2009

Dear Riku,

That raft we built, do you remember it? We were going to go to other worlds together, all three of us, Kairi and you and me. The three musketeers, forever, always, never to part. It never worked though, we never got to go on our adventures together, we were separated before we could leave together.

I never told you anything about Goofy and Donald, did I? They were some of the first new people I met after I arrived in Traverse Town, after I was alone. They were some of the strangest too, you have no idea how odd it was to meet a talking dog and a talking duck, like something from a childrens story book. I met lots of people in Traverse Town, Leon, and Yuffie and Cid. They were all so nice, I loved meeting all of them. I loved meeting everyone.

When I met them, Goofy and Donald that is, I learned shortly after that they knew how to fight, we killed a Heartless together. Donald was a wizard, he knew magic, and Goofy was a knight of King Mickey.

The Heartless were such strange creatures, if Leon hadn't told me what they were I'd have never known. Leon was someone else I met, he used a gunblade. I always though that was such a fascinating weapon, a warrior's weapon, dangerous looking.

The Heartless... they scared me. Maybe it was an instinctual reaction of fear of the unknown, but it didn't change the fact that they were something frightening and different and strange. They were dark and black, like an oil slick. Like that one time there was an oil spill and we couldn't go into the ocean for months because of the oil floating on the surface. All those birds died, during those months, you'd stumble on a dead bird's body at least once everyday.

If Donald and Goofy hadn't found me, I'm not sure what I would have done. I'd have probably never found you and Kairi again. I was so... lost. I didn't know what to do, or how to find you and Kairi. I needed to find you, because you were as much a part of my life then as you are now.

Sometimes I have dreams about what would have happened had we never left Destiny Islands, and we stayed here, and had normal lives. It's bittersweet to think of.

I missed you so much then, and I do now.

Your friend,

Sora

**********

**Two years, two months ago**

October 16th, 2009

Dear Riku,

In all the worlds that Goofy, Donald and I visited, we had to be careful not to "meddle" and change things, since we came from off world. I wanted to try and change things on some of the worlds, make things better. I know that you'd just say that was my hero complex kicking in.

I probably do have some sort of hero complex, I always want to help people, and make everything good for everyone.

You used to call me a dreamer, an idealist. You were always a realist, even when you were little. I know that, now. You always saw through the nice facades people put up, and you had trouble trusting people. I was naive back then, but I don't think you ever were.

You always seemed older than me somehow, I'm only now beginning to realize how much of a child I was when we first left, how little I knew about anything.

Maybe it's seeing all my old friends, and feeling like I don't know them anymore, or feeling like a war veteran around a group of curious children. You're the only one who understood me, you're the only one who went through something like I did. I can't begin to imagine what happened to you while you were with Maleficent, and that's what it feels like when I'm in school, with everyone asking what I did.

I miss you.

Your friend,

Sora

**********

January 9th, 2012

Dear Riku,

Do you remember when we first kissed? We were on your island, sitting in the paopu tree and you had just told me that you loved me.

We'd only been back on Destiny Islands for what, a week, was it? Two weeks? It had been the first moment we had away from everyone since we'd been back, our family and friends didn't want to let us out of their sight, I think they were worried that if they didn't watch us, we'd disappear again. I think they were worried that maybe we weren't real.

We had shared the paopu fruit that evening, remember? We had wanted to stay together forever. You had told me loved me, and then I kissed you. It was the first kiss that really mattered, I don't count Selphie when I was five, anyways, it had been her to kiss me. I don't count any of the other kisses I've ever had. Yours is the only one that meant anything to me.

It was amazing, it tasted sweet and perfect. Like a summer day. Your hands in my hair were cool, a nice contrast from the air that was still hot even though the sun had started to go down. Your lips were warm and a little chapped, it was nothing like kissing a girl, it was just...you. Just you. Always you.

I think subconsciously it was always you, we were always closer than anyone else. Even Kairi, I think that's why I didn't invite her to go with us to your island that day. Why you and her never shared a paopu fruit. Even when I was a little kid and thought I was going to marry Kairi when I grew up, I prefered spending time with you.

You were never as openly affectionate as me, while I always gave hugs away like they were nothing, you were never like that. But you had your own way of letting me know you cared, little touches against my hands, brushes of your arm against mine that always meant more than if you had hugged me.

The way you looked at me. The way you looked at me always seemed even more intimate that just kissing. Your eyes...that bright teal. A person's eyes are the window to their soul, they say, and for you it was true. You eyes said everything, whether your were happy, or sad, or angry, they told it all. I love your eyes, sometimes I'll spend hours just staring at a picture of you I have.

I know it's unhealthy, but it makes me feel closer you. Like you're there with me.

Times like this, right now, basking in the winter sun, laying in the grass that stays green and fresh all year long here, writing to you, and not even know if you're getting these letters, I feel so lost and afraid and confused.

I miss you.

Love,

Sora

**********

**Two years, two months ago**

October 19th, 2009

Dear Riku,

Halloween is coming up fast and Kairi wants me to go to a party that Selphie is throwing with Wakka.

I'm not sure about it. She said that Tidus got his hands on a bunch of alcohol, and she wants us to go get shitfaced drunk and pretend we didn't go through more in the past year than most people do in their whole lives. That was her words, by the way.

I think that it's more for me than for her, she just wants me to lighten up and be a normal teenager, go get drunk and maybe hook up with a pretty girl. Or it could just be a really involved plan she and Selphie cooked up to try and get in my pants. It could be either, they're proving to be very adept at scheming together.

No one's realized yet that I don't bat for that team, that I'm flaming, that there is a reason that most of my friends are girls and not guys. It's almost funny watching Kairi and Selphie and all of those girls flirt with me, and dress in brightly colored, attention grabbing clothes, but it mostly just makes me sad, because that was how they used to be with you. You were the teen heartthrob, as it were. It seems like I'm their replacement for you, now.

You never looked twice at any of them, but they never noticed. Girls can be so clueless, even after all my adventures I still don't understand them at all. Yuffie was confusing, she would be almost mothering and protective one moment, and the next she'd be flirting and shoving her chest in my face. Maybe it was because I was the only one remotely close to her age, but what ever the reason it was still bewildering.

Kairi wants me to dress up as a prince, you know the type, that old fashioned clothing and a sword. She got me this wooden sword, it's painted silver but that doesn't disguise the fact that it's just wood at all. It feels so insubstantial and useless when compared to my keyblades. Like a cardboard cut out.

Kairi's dressing up as a princess, in a big poofy gown and a tiara. If she's trying to be subtle she's failing horribly. Her efforts are about as subtle as a heart attack. At least, I think that the saying. It might be as serious as a heart attack, though. I've never had the best memory, and you always made fun of me for that. I know it was all in good fun, you were just teasing me. You always teased me.

It really doesn't feel right to be going out and doing something so lighthearted and fun when you're missing, and everyone thinks you're dead.

I miss you.

Your friend,

Sora  



	2. Part One

January 11th, 2012

Dear Riku,

Selphie burned half the hair off my head today.

I hadn't seen it coming. We were all on the beach, you know, all of us. Kairi, Tidus, Wakka, Selphie, all of them. It still feels weird, but I guess it's better than being alone. We were on the beach and we were having a bonfire. Nothing new, we'd been having bonfires on the beach since our parent's decided to trust us with matches. We were about ten, weren't we? Well, I was ten. You were eleven or twelve, I'm not sure if had been one of the few months a year that you had been older than me by two years or not.

Whatever. I'm getting confused.

Selphie burned off half my hair.

She was roasting a marshmallow for smores, you know, gooey chocolately marshmallowy graham cracker-y bonfire must-eat-ten-of-them deliciousness? Smores. Yum. We used to almost live on them when we were little.

Right. Selphie. Hair. On fire.

Before now, I'd never know that Selphie is absolutely terrified of fire. Well, not bonfire fire apparently, just fire outside of a fire pit that's made especially for fire.

Her marshmallow caught on fire. If she had been thinking, and not panicking blindly, she should have thrown the whole thing in the fire, since we roast marshmallows on real sticks and they burn up like, well, sticks.

But Selphie was not thinking. Which was why she waved the burning marshmallow on a stick around like Yuffie on crack.

She couldn't have waved it in the opposite direction of me, no, she had to wave it right by my hair.

Anything after that is pretty much a whirl of panicked activity as everyone simultaniously tried to drag me down to the ocean, dump their drinks on me, pat it out, throw sand and dirt on me to suffocate the fire, tackle me to the ground and shove my face into the sand.

My mother was horrified when she saw me, and after thirty whole minutes of her fussing to make sure I didn't have any burns, she buzzed my hair.

My hair is now an inch long all over, except in the spots it was burned down further. I look like a leopard with some sort of strange disease affecting its spots.

If you saw me now, I'm not sure you'd recognize me. Not with this hair. I'm taller than I was too, I'd probably be just a few inches shorter than you now, instead of the nine inch difference it was before. You were always so tall. I always felt small next to you.

I'm not the scrawny little kid you'd remember, either.

On the opposite hand, you might have changed dramatically as well.

Is your hair still past your shoulders, in that feathery cut? It made your hair look like a silver waterfall.

And your eyes, do they still say everything? Are they still as tired and jaded as before? I know mine are, now. I'm a little like you used to be.

But I know that I'd always recognize you though, Riku, you're pretty unforgettable, no matter how much you changed.

I miss you.

Love,

Sora

**********

**Two years, one month ago**

October 31st, 2009

Dear Riku,

It's Halloween today.

School was crazy, everyone wore their costumes. I have an awful headache, though; all the girls kept squealing over each others outfits. I don't think humans are supposed to make noises in a decible usually reserved for shattering crystal.

Kairi and Selphie made me dress up in the prince outfit they picked out. They're also making me go to the party tonight. I really do mean that they made me, it was a choice between the prince costume and a princess one to match theirs. In purple. I chose the lesser of the two evils. It's actually really a beautiful outfit, I'm glad I'm not paying to rent it since it must have cost quite a bit of munny. It's all velvet and silk in this royal blue. They said it matched my eyes.

Maybe I'm gayer than I thought if I'm appreciating how nice a prince costume is.

The sword is still as useless as it was the last time I wrote you. It would snap in two if I tried to hit anyone, and the Heartless would rip through it like it was nothing but air.

After so much time having a weapon at my fingertips just a thought away, since I can't just summon them, everyone would think I'm even weirder than they already do, I feel vulnerable. They, everyone, already think I'm weird. I don't talk nearly as much as I did before.

I feel vulnerable without Oathkeeper and Oblivion, especially on days like today, at school no one would leave me alone for even a second. Writing this has been my first quiet moment since the day started.

Writing to you has been such a sanctuary for me these past few weeks. I usually write on your island, sitting in the bend that's almost like a throne was formed out of the branches. You know the one, we used to sit up here. I'd talk, well, more like babble and you'd listen in that calm, patient way of yours.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling lonely because you aren't here, I'll come sit up here and close my eyes. I'll just listen to the sound of the wind in the leaves and pretend you never disappeared. That you're sitting in the tree beside me, as we share a rare moment where I'm not talking endlessly. I can see the way your lips would curve into that smirking almost-smile, and it makes me feel a little more grounded here, a little less like if I'm not careful my head will float away into the clouds and I'll never come back down.

At times like this, it's a tempting thought, to just close my eyes and never open them again.

If it's possible, I think I miss you even more now than I did before.

Your friend,

Sora

**********

**Two years, one months ago**

November 1st, 2009

Dear Riku,

Kairi kissed me last night.

It was late, probably some time after midnight and she had wanted me to walk her home. She was still in that frilly pink princess costume, and I was still in the blue prince one. I'm not sure if it was just her fulfilling some childhood, little girl's dream of being a princess with her prince charming, or if she really does want more from me.

She was shockingly drunk, she'd knocked back a quarter of a bottle of vodka in the first hour, I'm surprised she hadn't blacked out long before then. Maybe she has more experience with getting so drunk she couldn't see straight, let alone think.

It scared me, seeing her like that. She was falling down, stumbling-into-random-peoples'-laps drunk.

Seeing her loose control like that, it made me realize that maybe Kairi didn't come out of everything as mentally unscathed as we both thought she had.

I feel...guilty. Guilty about all the times we'd spend hours in your paopu tree talking, when Kairi didn't have anyone to talk to. It made me wonder whether her smiles every day at school were just fake, a bit of normality for her when we forgot about her. We did forget about it.

You know...we were so caught up in us, in what happened to us that we never even bothered to ask her what happened while she was separated from us. We were too close to even bother to worry about her.

We used to be the three musketeers, remember? We spent all of our time together. Sometime along the way, between getting separated when we left Destiny Islands and when we found home again, and reunited, we forgot all about her. But she didn't forget, I don't think she ever will.

Last night, Kairi told me that she loved you and that she always had.

Then Kairi kissed me.

It tasted like alcohol, sweat and something darker and sinfully sweet. It felt so wrong.

She is nothing like you.

Riku, I need you here, where are you?

I miss you.

Your friend,

Sora

**********

**Two years, one month ago**

November 4th, 2009

Dear Riku,

You used to tell me that I was like the sky.

That I was the independant variable that never changed, no matter what. The sky never changes, you were right about that. The sun rises and sets, the stars come out, that heart shaped moon raises to the center of the sky. The world keeps turning, clouds keep moving. You said it was something you could depend on all the time, no matter what happned, it would never change. I think you were talking about me then. Me being your sky that you could always depend on.

You told me that when we were lying on the beach, the sand was warm and gritty under us, and the sun was high and hot above us.

We'd make up stories, about dragons and fairy tale creatures from shapes in the clouds, and we'd spend all day just staring at the sky. So, so blue, like my eyes, you'd say.

Sometimes we'd spend nights out there too, and then we'd see shapes in the stars and make up stories about them too. It drove our parents mad that we'd waste days and days just staring at the sky. They said that sometimes they worried about us. Said it wasn't healthy.

I used to say you were like the water, the ocean. Every changing, unpredictable. Your eyes were just like the sea just off the coast, that clear, deep, aquamarine blue.

It's cruelly ironic if you think about it, the sky can never touch the water. That's us, now

Maybe it's always been that for us, and it just wasn't clear before. Before.

Kairi was earth. She always had been, a rock for us. Something grounding to hold onto. She still is earth, for me, at least. She's so much stronger than either of us ever gave her credit for, she put herself back together when we came back, and she put us back together, when we broke too. When you disappeared, she put me back together again. I don't think either of us could have done that and survived.

She told me that me and her...we need to be there for each other now, now that you're gone. I think I agree with her. I can't spend my whole life watching the sky, in hopes that maybe you are too, where ever you are.

You were wrong though, all those years ago, before we left you, told me I was like the sky. I'm not like the sky. I changed. I'm still changing. You're just not here to see it.

I've been thinking a lot lately, about what-if's and could-have-been's. Do you? Do you look at the sky and dream of what might have happened if we had never decided to leave? If we never learned what keyblades or Heartless were?

You were right, when you said the sky never changes. It's been almost three years since we've been back, and almost four since we left, and the sky here hasn't changed at all. Is the it still the same where you are? Is it still the same blue you always said matched my eyes? Do the stars still form all the constellations? Do you still make up stories about heros in the clouds? I know that I still do, sometimes.

It's cool here, on the beach, the sand feels just like it did when we'd lay here, side by side and stare at the stars. They're especially beautiful tonight, so bright. I've been here, watching the sky for almost two days. I haven't left. I don't want to see Kairi right now, I think seeing her might make me break all over again. I wouldn't want for her to need to put me back together again.  
I'm staring at the sky, and I'm pretending that where you are, where ever you are, you're watching it too.

The sky never changes. But we did, though. Are you still changing, like I am?

I miss you.

Your friend,

Sora

**********

January 15th, 2012

Dear Riku,

When you were little, you almost died.

You wouldn't remember it, the doctors said it was selective amnesia, or memory repression. Something like that.

You almost drowned, we were swimming, and you got caught in a rip tide. You should have known not to try and fight it, that you should have just floated with it and called for help. That's what all of us had been taught. All those swimming lessons ingrained into our minds from a young age was why our parents trusted us to go into the ocean alone. For whatever reason, you didn't remember not to fight the current, and you just started to panic, I don't think you even remembered that you knew how to swim.

You went under the water. We were all so young, and it scared us, especially when you didn't come up right away. Selphie ran and got an adult, I don't remember who anymore. They fished you out of the water and got you back to shore.

You weren't breathing and I think your heart stopped for a while. For all of us kids, it was the first time anyone of us had ever almost drowned. It was a reality check, it reminded all if us that we really weren't immortal, that even we would eventually die.

Those lessons on water and swimming safety at school, they made us take them because of you. Your parents...they told us all to never tell you about what happened, they said they didn't want you to be scared of the water.

Water is such a big part of the culture here on Destiny Islands, water and sun and summer weather all-year-round. We're raised knowing how to swim and sail, like on other worlds children learn to crawl, here, we usually swim before we walk.

I guess you almost drowning was a reality check for everyone on the islands, a reminder that the ocean isn't just a happy, wonderful place, that it's dangerous, and deadly if you're not careful. They teach more ocean safety classes in school now than they did when we were young, maybe to remind us of our own mortality.

For a while after we found home again, I think I felt a little immortal, I felt like nothing could touch me. I don't anymore, not with you gone. Maybe it was you that made me feel that way, maybe you made me feel safe. I don't feel safe anymore, sometimes, I'll get this feeling like someone's watching me. Or I'll feel like something bad is going to happen.

I'm worried.

I miss you, Riku.

Love,

Sora

**********

**Two years, one month ago**

November 7th, 2009

Sometimes I wish I couldn't cry, or I that I didn't remember how to.

When I was little, you and everyone else always teased me for crying at every little thing, said it was something that only girls did.

I went over to Kairi's house this morning, it was the first time I'd seen her since Halloween. We cried together. I guess we're a little like girls when we're together, we cry and we gossip and we talk about what happened in the past entirely too much to be healthy.

I think we've cried too much for you already, but we can't seem to stop. It's too soon. Was it really only eight or so months ago that we had just found Destiny Islands again? It feels like a lot longer.

Time itself seems to be moving strangely lately, nothing seems to be moving at the right pace.

Kairi...she seems different, I can't place the change, but she almost seems older than me sometimes, she'll smile at me through her tears and reach over to push some of my hair back behind my ear. We'll be curled up on her bed, it's completely platonic, a little like puppies. Well, it's platonic on my end. I'm really not sure what goes on in her head. I'll have my hand in her hair, and she'll have one in mine and we'll just... cry together. It's actually kind of sad.

I know that it's unhealthy, and our relationship is starting to border on codependence, but it feels right. More right than going surfing or playing blitzball with Tidus and Wakka.

Maybe it's because she's the only one who's experienced anything similar to what I did, to what we experienced while we were away.

I miss you.

Your friend,

Sora

**********

**Two years, one month ago**

November 10th, 2009

Dear Riku,

I never told you that I can feel Roxas, did I? He's always there, just at the back of my consciousness. I remember that you once told me you met him.

Most of the time it's almost like he's sleeping or something. Other times it's stronger, almost like he's awake. I can never sense thoughts, luckily, since I'm not sure I could stand having an entire other person talking to me inside my head, I might lose it. It's more just feelings, or emotions. When it's stronger... it's almost like he's waiting for me to be off guard and take over or something.

Or something. I really don't know, most of it's just guess work. I mean, it's not like there's a standard to go by for something like this. I don't want to ask Kairi about Namine, if she didn't know what I was talking about she might just think I'm going crazy. I might think I'm going crazy.

Or I might just make her worry, I don't want to make her worry about me any more than she already does. She worries about everyone too much. Maybe it's her way of coping.

It seems like we each had our own way of dealing with what we'd been through.

Kairi worries, you used to punch things and I write these letters.

Remember, when we first came home, you were so angry. I think you were just mad at the world in general, mad that we had to go through what we did, mad that everyone was treating us so much differently, mad that the Keyblade didn't choose you.

You never outright told me, but I knew you resented me a little because of that. Not enough to come between us, but enough that I knew it.

I never told you that I was sorry.

Not for anything in particular, but like you were angry at everything, I'm sorry for everything.

You, Kairi, everyone, you all told me that I was the good one. That I was the hero. I don't think anyone knew just how selfish I was. I only wanted to be home with you, and I'd have done anything to achieve that.

I think that's why it was so easy for me to just forget about Kairi after we came home. I guess I always did want to be the hero, the one who had the happily ever after at the end of the book.

It's not really happily ever after anymore, you're gone, Kairi's still worrying and everyone treats me a little like glass, like something that could shatter easily. I sort of am.

I miss you.

Your friend,

Sora

**********

January 18th, 2012

Dear Riku,

Kairi and me sent in the applications for Destiny Islands University today, we took them to the post office and mailed them out.

The old lady who works there, you know the one, she's worked there since we used to send letters to Santa Claus, she knows me quite well by now. I go in there to buy envelopes and stamps every two weeks, and I go there every time I mail you a letter. I've been sending them for two years and three months, at least three times a week.

That's a lot of stamps. Two and a half years worth, almost. Lots of letters too, lots of paper and envelopes... I bought special stationary and matching envelopes, you know. I hope you appreciate it.

I still haven't decided what I want my major and minor to be, Kairi says I still have plenty of time to choose, but I don't think it's enough time. It doesn't feel like I'll ever have enough time.

We went kite flying today, all of us from the islands, we all grew up together and we're still all together. We dug those old kites we used to make out of our basements. You know that all our parents kept all that old stuff from when we were little.

It made me feel nostalgic, flying kites. It was a windy day, like when we used to go flying kites, all three of us, you, me and Kairi, we'd go find a stretch of sand down by the ocean and race down the beaches with colorful kites that we made from popsicle sticks and scraps of silk, patched together with glue and string.

When we'd get tired of racing, we'd weigh the handles down with rocks, or tie them to us so that we could lay on the sand and just watch them. Once in a while, a kid would accidentally let go of a kite, and then we would watch until it floated out of sight. We'd all hold onto our kite-strings extra carefully after that.

I just wanted to fly away with my kite today, fly up and away from here. I'm feeling pressured, now, with college on the way and people pestering me, asking me what I'm getting a degree in.

We're all growing up. Tidus is engaged to Selphie, I don't think I told you about that before. Everyone's going to university, and moving out of their parent's homes that hold all their old childhood memories.

I guess we can't be ones of the beaches flying kites and playing in the water forever, even though that's what I want.

I just want things to stay the same, I guess. I want you. I guess it's too much to hope for that nothing will change without you, that you won't miss anything big.

I miss you.

Love,

Sora

**********

**Two years, one month ago**

November 14th, 2009

Dear Riku,

Thanksgiving is next weekend. Kairi's family and your's are both coming over to my house for dinner. I hear that they all got close for the year or so while we were gone. Empathizing with people who knew what you were going through kind of thing. A little like us grouping together and blocking everyone out when we first came back.

I saw the therapist my parents are making me see again today. I still really hate her. She kept asking how the diary thing was going, and I think she thought I was lying when I said I was actually writing as much as I could to get my thoughts out on paper, since I didn't have anything to show for it. I've been writing, I've been writing to you as much as I could.

I guess it's working, a little. I feel a little bit better every time I write one.

I didn't tell her about going to Selphie's party, I don't think that would be constructive, or productive, or whatever psychobabble she'd say.

I haven't talked to Kairi about it either, neither of us brought it up, and we're not going to. I guess it's a little like we're just pushing it under the rug, don't-ask-don't-tell kind of thing.

Thanksgiving will be weird. You're not going to be here. Your parents will be, and Kairi and her own parents but not you.

I probably sound like a little emo brat by saying this, but there really isn't much to be thankful for this year. Yes, we're home, yes, we're alive. But you're gone, everyone walks like they're on eggshells when they're near me, and it almost seems like I'd be better off off world, with some of the people I met, instead of here, where I just don't fit in.

I miss you.

Your friend,

Sora

**********

**Two years, one month ago**

November 18th, 2009

Dear Riku,

When we first found Destiny Islands again, I had nightmares. Do remember? I'd have nightmares and I would come find you, since you knew what it was like, and you came to me when you had them. We'd comfort each other.

Sometimes I'm scared to go back to sleep now, since you're not here to make me feel better when I wake up screaming. Kairi doesn't seem to have nightmares, at least, if she does, she hasn't told me. Maybe she wants to seem strong for me.

It was a little like Romeo and Juliet, remember? We'd come to each others windows when we had nightmares and throw rocks until the other would come out. Maybe it was us subconsciously recreating the play in real life. Well, except for the part when everyone died in the end. You're not here, so it's kind of like it. Maybe it's a sign that I'm going to die.

That's not a very nice thought.

We'd go down to the beach, or your island, and we wouldn't talk, it was one of the rare times I was quiet. We had almost a secret language, made up of light touches, our fingers brushing, our shoulders touching. We didn't need to talk, then, we just knew what the other was thinking, what the other was feeling. There was no need for us to talk about whatever we'd had bad dreams about, we'd know, we'd be able to empathize better than Kairi, or our parents, or any of the psychiatrists our mothers and fathers wanted us to go see.

We were so close, since we were children and we'd make up fairytales of our own. We depended on each other.

I think that's why Kairi wasn't as devastated as me when you disappeared. She had always been stronger, more able to cope on her own than either of us ever were.

I miss you.

Your friend,

Sora


	3. Part Three

**Two years, one month ago**

November 19th, 2009

Dear Riku,

Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm still a little kid, that we never left, that I didn't have nightmares. I think Kairi likes to pretend too, I think that's why she kept all of her china dolls.

For one of her birthdays, we pooled our money and went to the toy shop to buy her one, remember? She used to collect them, she must have had ten or fifteen of them, all lined up on a shelf. When we gave it to her she cried. She was so happy, it was the first birthday we were old enough to get each other presents. It had blonde ringlets, and big blue glass eyes that closed when you'd lay it down. Now that I think about it, the thing was really creepy. It's eyes were just... blank, I remember thinking that they were really shiny, and that no one's eyes should be that shiny and empty.

Your eyes were shiny. Not quite as glassy as that doll's, but still glossy and a little gem-like. I don't think any stone had the exact shade of teal as your eyes, it would have been beautiful if there had been one that matched. But your eyes were never really blank around me.

When we first found each other, and Destiny Islands again, you kept your eyes blank.. You were very careful about not letting anything show through, not letting anyone know what you were actually feeling. After a while, I started to break down those walls you put up, some time while you were away. I got you to start talking again, got you to be a little more normal, though we weren't very normal after we came back.

We were too different. Kairi understands, to a certain extent, but she never understood that as much as you did.

I miss you.

Your friend,

Sora

**********

January 22nd, 2012

Dear Riku,

It's the rainy season right now. I guess it was kind of like winter here, but instead of snowing, it rained. It's been raining for days now, and it's getting a little tiresome. Kairi visits me, and I visit her at her house but it's not really helping me be cheerful when the weather has been so grey for days. You can't go anywhere without an umbrella, you'd get instantly soaked without one.

Did your parents ever tell you a legend when you were little, the one about how rain was angels crying? Thunder and lightning was the angels when they were angry. I was such an idealist back then, and I'd ask my parents why God didn't make them happy again, so they wouldn't cry or be angry. I didn't know any better.

Maybe it's that story that makes me a little sad when it storms, I remember when I was a child storms made me sad, I didn't like that the angels were crying. I didn't like that God didn't make them happy again, and just let them keep on crying. That's why winter was my least favorite season.

I haven't been able to go to your island for nearly a week, and I haven't been able to go sit in your paopu tree to watch the sky. It would be dangerous, as it is, it's dangerous enough to just go outside right now, too easy to be struck by lightning.

The thunder scares me sometimes. It's wake me up in the middle of the night, and for a moment I'll be confused, and think that the Heartless are attacking again, or think it's gunshots. It sounds to close, like the storm is right above me, waiting to strike me with lightning. It's too dark.

The angels are crying, Riku.

I miss you.

Love,

Sora

**********

**Two years, one month ago**

November 22nd, 2009

Dear Riku,

Today was Thanksgiving. It was a disaster. You know how I told you that people acted like I was made of glass, like they were walking on eggshells around me? I think they might have had some merit in the way that everyone was treating me.

I think I kind of...snapped, just a little. During dinner. It was as awful as I thought it would be, no one really talked, there was no conversation which only made it more awkward. It wasn't very dramatic, I didn't hit anyone or scream; I walked out, before dinner was over, I just... left. There was only one empty chair at the table, one empty place-setting. You should have been in it. You weren't though.

I've been very careful, since you've disappeared, I've been very careful to watch what I say, watch what I do. I've been careful just like how you made sure your eyes stayed blank when you were around other people. I don't want everyone to worry about me even more than they already do. Sometimes it feels almost stifling, with how many people worry about me.

After I got out of the house, I just ran. I wasn't thinking about where, I just wanted to get away from that table full of people who were laughing and smiling when they shouldn't have been because you weren't there.

I ended up on your island. Your island has been somewhere I can run to, somewhere I can escape to ever since we found Destiny Islands. I can get away from all the people asking me question I don't want to answer, get away from everything. It's different here, since you left.

Everything is different.

I miss you.

Your friend,

Sora

**********

**Two years, one month ago**

November 26th, 2009

Dear Riku,

Sometimes dreams can be cruel things.

Last night, I dreamed that we were sitting in your paopu tree, like we did so many times. We were just talking about inane, meaningless things, things that didn't have anything to do with Heartless, or Darkness or Keyblades. It was like none of it ever happened, like we never left. Like we were normal.

You were just listening to me talking about things that made no sense, just my babbling. I had my head on your shoulder, we were laying in that crook in the tree, and sometimes you'd turn your head and kiss me, on my hair, my cheek, my lips.

We were... blissful. I didn't remember anything that happened in the past year and we were just normal kids. We were innocent, and we were untouched by the Darkness.

We were more happy in my dream than I think we've been since we were children. The sun was shining bright and hot above us, the clouds were fluffy and white, there wasn't any grey in them like there is now.

We shared a paopu fruit in my dream, it tasted like exactly like it had when we shared it after we came home. We had said that our destinies were forever intwined. They still are, because I know you're not dead, I'm going to see you again. I know that I will.

You'll see.

I think the worst part is that I remembered it when I woke up. Nightmares are better than this. Nightmares where I wake up screaming would be better than waking up and wanting to just cry and cry forever because I know that could never happen, not now, not after everything that's happened and can never unhappen.

I miss you.

Your friend,

Sora

**********

**Two years, one month ago**

November 27th, 2009

Dear Riku,

You told me you hated me, once.

Do you remember?

It was just after we found Destiny Islands again, and you told me you hated me. You were so angry back then, angry at everyone and everything. We had been sparring, do you remember? Sparring because it made me feel strange to not be fighting after almost a year of fighting Heartless almost everyday.

I was using the Keyblade, and I had managed to land a hit on you. It just made you even more angry than you already were. You told me you hated me then.

Right after you said it, the horrified expression on your face would have been almost comical if you hadn't said it like you really meant it. I think you did mean it. Right there, you meant it. You were looking at the Keyblade as you said it, and it was then I realized part of the reason why you had been so angry when we'd spar. It was right then I realized that you resented me. You resented me for being the one the Keyblade chose, and you resented the fact that it meant your Heart wasn't as pure as mine.

Even more than me though, I think you hated yourself too. Hated yourself for not being the one with the pure Heart the Keyblade chose, hated yourself for not being strong enough to resist the Darkness. Hated yourself for not having enough self control to keep from blurting out that you hated me.

I didn't tell you, but I never wanted this. Sometimes, when I was around you and Kairi, I'd get the feeling that you thought that maybe I wanted to be chosen by the Keyblade, that I wanted to be dragged away from my home to play the Hero.

I never wanted this.

The Keyblade should never have chosen me, I was never as strong as you, and there were so many times while I was away that I wanted to just give up, just let myself be swallowed up by the Darkness. I was selfish, the only reason I kept going was because I wanted to find you again so that we could be together.

I did find you again.

And you hated that the Keyblade chose me.

I don't hold it against you, though, I don't hold it against you that you were angry and said something you shouldn't have, something you shouldn't have even though I think that you really meant it.

I miss you.

Your friend,

Sora

**********

**Two years ago**

December 2nd, 2009

Dear Riku,

Do you remember making sandcastles at the beach when we were little? We'd take those little plastic shovels and buckets and we would spend a whole day making empires, cities, one big castle surrounded by a bunch of smaller structures. Everyone would compete, we'd all try to make the biggest one.

We were always sort of silly when we'd make them, we'd never make them far enough up the beach to be untouched by the tide, even though we knew very well the reach of the ocean. We would watch the ocean wash them away come evening, when the tide came in.

I think that was part of the charm, watching it be slowly washed away with the tide, watching the moat around the castle fill up.

Then we would start from the beginning the next day, and we would always change the design, we'd never make the same castle twice. Sometimes we'd almost have a theme of a sort, like making the tallest tower that wouldn't collapse, or digging the deepest hole.

You and me, we'd always make up stories about who lived in the castles, and what they did. Once in a while, you'd skip the sandcastle and just draw pictures in the sand.

Sometimes I think that we spent more time in our imaginations than we did in real life.

Now I sometimes I think that I spend more time in my memories than I do in real life.

I miss you.

Your friend,

Sora

**********

January 27th, 2012

Dear Riku,

Kairi has started planning a trip for us, she's planning that we're going to go off world and visit all the places I went, and I'll introduce her to all the people I met. We'll leave in June and be away the whole summer. Neither of us are looking forward to telling our parents, I'm sure that they will expect us to not come back for a year, or not even come back at all. They've been so worried that we'll disappear again, even though it's been more than two years since we've been back.

I think that she's immersing herself in planning this trip because she needs something to do besides worrying. We're not in school anymore, though we will be starting college in the fall, and all our friends are already there, getting degrees and becoming self-sufficent adults. Sometimes it feels like we, me and her, are getting left behind a little. Neither of us has given up hope that we'll see you again, and this has kept us from moving on, from starting our own lives.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

I don't want to go to college, I don't want to leave my parent's home yet. Kairi is still expecting me to do something, make us more than just good friends. I was never very good at keeping secrets, you used to tease me about it, but I've gotten better with time. I've gotten better at lying, too. No one knows about us, I kept my promise that no one would find out about us. I remember what your father was, and still is like.

I don't think I want anyone to know about us as it is, everyone... everyone would think I'm strange. You must remember how closed minded everyone is here. I don't know of even Kairi would accept me after I told her. And maybe it's just me, but it almost seems more special this way, with no one knowing but us. It makes it closer.

We're leaving in June. We're going to Traverse Town first, and then we'll figure everything out from there. I think that both of us want to go on this trip to search for you, to have a better chance of maybe finding you.

This, visiting all the worlds, seeing all the people I met, it's something I would have wanted to do with you, go see the worlds with you, not Kairi.

But you're not here.

I miss you.

Love,

Sora

**********

**Two years ago**

December 5th, 2009

Dear Riku,

Kairi made me go Christmas shopping with her today. I can already tell that she's going to be manic in her "holiday mode" from now until Christmas Day.

I'm not even sure why she took me, most of time we were shopping she made me wait outside the shops so that I wouldn't see any of the gifts she bought. She probably just wanted to get me out of the house, socialize a bit. Most of the time I've been avoiding going outside unless it's to go to your paopu tree.

I'm dreading Christmas.

If it's anything like Thanksgiving was, it'll be awful. Your parent's will probably come, and afterwards Kairi and me will probably cry together for while. I might escape for a little during the day, maybe visit your tree so I can get a quiet moment to write a letter to you. I'll probably cry more then, too.

Kairi made me carry all her shopping bags. I didn't mind, she had too many to have carried them all herself. I'm not sure how she managed to buy so much in so little time, but she managed it. She'll drag me out for shopping trips like this throughout the month, I'm sure. She loves Christmas.

I think she likes buying and giving gifts to other people even more than she likes recieving them.

I still don't know what I'm going to give her.

I doesn't feel much like winter, doesn't feel much like Christmas, because the weather here never changes, ever. I don't think that Kairi believed me when I told her what snow was like. I drew her a picture of what snowflakes looked like.

I guess I wouldn't either if she had told me, it sounds... magical. Like something from a story. Not something real.

You did believed me. You always believed me when I told you about the things I saw, and I think that might be because I always believed you when you told me about the strange things you saw while you were away.

We trusted each other, always.

I miss you.

Your friend,

Sora

**********

**Two years ago**

December 7th, 2009

Dear Riku,

Kairi keeps telling me that I need to get out more. That I need to be with people my age more often and have conversations with people other than her. I go out with her shopping, or over to her house when she asks me to, but I guess it isn't enough for her. My mother has been telling me to go out too. I don't think anyone understands that I don't want to go out, that I don't want to go hang out with people. I just... want to be alone with my thoughts, with my memories.

I'm becoming fairly introverted, a little like you always had been with anyone other than me or Kairi. You never were the most friendly or open person, were you? I can tell that she's worried, sometimes it'll show in the set of her features, or the stiffness in her shoulders. She'll be tense, and her smile will look strained, like it's too much of an effort to make it look really sincere.

My mother is worrying too. I don't think that she or my dad know what to do with me anymore. My dad's given up on making me go out and be social, and my mother is getting closer to giving up every day that I don't change.

I almost wish I wasn't here anymore, I almost wish I wasn't on Destiny Islands, that I was off world somewhere, searching for you.

It... doesn't feel much like home anymore.

I hate that.

I want to go search for you. I want that, but then I think how awful it would be for Kairi and my parents if I disappeared again. I only need to think of your parents, and their expressions on Thanksgiving, how sad they were that you were gome.

I couldn't do that to them, even though sometimes it's very tempting.

Kairi wanted me to go to another party with her this weekend. I'm not sure where in her little world this seems like a good idea, considering how the last one ended. I haven't gone to any parties with her since Halloween, I don't want to see Kairi like that ever again. It scared me.

I don't want her to kiss me again.

Right now, I'm content to just sit in your paopu tree and just write these letters. Even though no one understands that, this is the only thing I want to do right now.

I miss you.

Your friend,

Sora

**********

**Two years ago**

December 12th, 2009

Dear Riku,

Do you remember how when we first found Destiny Islands again, how I didn't talk to anyone? I didn't talk at all, not until you asked me why I had stopped.

It must have been a pretty big change for you to have commented on, since you spoke even less then than you did before we had even left home. You spoke even less than I did when we first came back.

All three of us were different in the first few months after we came back. None of us spoke much, not even me or Kairi, and the two of us had always been quite talkative. Always friendly, always wanting to just chat with someone, even if it wasn't about anything in particular.

I don't think that any of us wanted to talk about what happened to each of us while we were away. I think that might have made it more real, made it a little more scary. We didn't have Heartless or fighting to distract us from our thoughts anymore.

I only started talking as much as I normally did after you told me you missed all of my nonsensical babbling. You had just mentioned it in an offhand way, it wasn't a comment that was supposed to mean anything, but it did, somehow. It made me realize that talking about it wouldn't make it anymore real than it already was. It had always been too real.

I think all three of us sometimes forgot that we were still kids, because we didn't feel like it anymore. We still don't. We feel older than we are, because we grew up while we were away.

It was after that that you and me started spending all of our time together. I think it's also when we started cutting Kairi out a bit every day, when we started forgetting that she had been through just as much as we had. I didn't even notice how much we had cut her out until she was the only one of the three musketeers left. I feel guilty for that.

I don't talk much now, I haven't since you disappeared. But this time you're not here to bring me to my senses and make me start talking again, make me more normal. Not even Kairi can get me to talk as much as I did, because Kairi isn't you.

I miss you.

Your friend,

Sora


	4. Part Four

January 31st, 2012

Dear Riku,

When I was away from Destiny Islands, sometimes when it was Dark out, at night, when we, Goofy and Donald and I, were far enough away from civilization and Light, that the stars were so bright and beautiful and I could see every single one, I'd wonder if wherever you were, if you were watching the stars too. Because the sky is the same everywhere.

The stars were always brightest when we were far away from other people, from any other sources of Light that would overwhelm them and make them seem dimmer. They always seemed brighter when I was off world, and maybe that's just because they seemed so new and different, even though they were the exact same stars we saw from home.

Do you remember how some nights we used to swim out deep into the ocean, far away from the shore, so that we couldn't see any of the Light from the islands? It was the best time to see stars, and we'd just float on our backs to watch them. I wouldn't speak, because the silence was so... special. It would be almost magical, the feeling we'd get, and the way the stars reflected on the ocean, with the only Light from the moon. The water lapping at our bodies, at our hands, our fingers laced together.

It seemed like me speaking would have broken the peaceful atmosphere.

We used to love the stars. You, me and Kairi. We loved to watch them, and dream about other worlds. That was before we knew they actually existed, before we decided we wanted to see them all.

We used to be so happy to just build sandcastles and fly kites and watch stars and clouds. Used to be happy here on the island. And then we decided it wasn't enough. Maybe it was all the adventure books, and fairytales we read. Made us want to have those adventures in real life.

Did you leave, Riku? Is that why you're not here? Why you're gone? Did you decide that being home again with me just wasn't enough?

I'm watching the stars right now, from your paopu tree and I'm wondering if you're watching them too.

Are you watching the stars Riku?

I miss you so much that even now, after so long, that it hurts at times like this.

Love,

Sora

**********

**Two years ago**

December 14th, 2009

Dear Riku,

I think that if I have to spend one more hour in the therapist's room, on the too-soft, ugly brown chair, talking about my "feelings", then I might have a psychotic break and kill her.

It'd be temporary insanity, I swear.

She says that I'm depressed. That makes it sound like I'm sick, it's sounds so... final. I don't like it at all.

Before now, she's only ever asked me about me, and how I feel. Today she asked me about you. She asked me if I thought that I was too dependant on you before you disappeared, and if I thought that was why it affected me so badly. To say I reacted badly to that is an understatement. I'm pretty sure that the wall in her office has a dent in it now. I'm not sure, I walked out before she could even say anything.

I spent a few hours on your island before going home. When I got home, my mom told me I had extra appointments with her for a while. Something about the doctor telling her I was moving back in my progress. It really doesn't seem like she's helping me at all though.

The only thing that's helping is this, writing these letters.

Her saying that though, it was... offensive. I'm not sure why, but it was. Maybe it was because I knew I wasn't dependant, because we spent all of our time off world apart, because we were apart for so long. I know I can go on without you. I am right now. I don't feel like I can tell her, or anyone about that, though. They wouldn't understand.

That's why I was so...devastated, I guess. I didn't have anyone to talk to anymore. I didn't have you to talk to anymore.

I miss you.

Your friend,

Sora

**********

**Two years ago**

December 17th, 2009

Dear Riku,

Sometimes I wish I was a bird.

They can just... fly away when they get tired of a place, and they're so free.

I could go find you.

Did you leave because you got sick of being here? Like when we first decided we wanted to see the worlds, did you decide you wanted to go on an adventure?

Sometimes I want to go on an adventure. To find you. I think Kairi does too, she just doesn't talk about it. I told her once that I wanted to go find you, and she looked... horrified. She didn't understand why I'd want to leave again.

Once in a while, I wonder of you're actually getting these letters. Sometimes I wonder if you're ever going to come home again.

I miss you.

Your friend,

Sora

**********

Febuary 3rd, 2012

Dear Riku,

I keep getting these weird feelings, like someone's watching me. You'd probably tell me that I'm just being paranoid, and that there's nothing there, but I can't shake the feeling.

I told Kairi about it. She said that she had been feeling it too, but she had thought that she was just imagining things. She said that it had been a fairly frequent occurance since our return. That was more than two years ago. That I'm only just starting to feel it just made me even more nervous.

It's a pretty big conicidence for us both to be feeling so paranoid, for us both to be feeling like someone's watching us. Even though I know that we both have always had really active imaginations, I don't think that we're just imagining it. It feels real. Not like something that I'm just making up in my head.

You did always tell me that I had the best survival instincts, even though I lacked a fair bit of common sense. That's why I don't think it's just all in my mind. You know how I told you that it feels like something bad is going to happen?

It still feels like that.

Just now it feels like it going to happen soon.

Maybe I am just being paranoid, or maybe something bad really is going to happen. I'm a wreck right now, I keep jumping at the smallest noises, and I don't think I've had a good nights sleep for a week.

It doesn't help that it's been raining every night and day ceaselessly, with thunder and lightning too. I'll wake up from a dream, and for a minute I'll be stuck half awake and half asleep, not knowing whether the noises and lights are just part of my dream, or real.

It scares me.

You loved rain. I remember that. You used to love the lightning and thunder, too. You said that winter, or what passes for it, was your favorite season. Summer was always my favorite, I love the sun, how bright it was, how blue the sky and the ocean looked. It's so Dark right now. Too Dark.

I miss you.

Love,

Sora

**********

Febuary 4th, 2012

Dear Riku,

It's not going away.

If anything, it seems like it's getting worse or something. Kairi agrees with me, she doesn't think it just in our heads. Of course, I'm sure that two crazy people would say the same thing to each other.

That's not a comforting thought.

No one else seems to be affected, just us. I guess we always were a little different, ever since we came home.

You know... I think that you told me once, just after we found Destiny Islands again, so long ago, that you thought someone was watching you. I think I just laughed at you, said that you had more of an imagination than I thought. Said that maybe you needed to get more sleep if you were feeling so paranoid.

Then you just... disappeared.

I wish I'd believed you then, wish I'd believed you when you told me you thought that something bad was going to happen. Something bad did happen, like you thought it would. You disappeared.

Now I believe you about that feeling you told me about. I understand what you meant when you said that sometimes... sometimes you almost expected to see someone, or something, I guess, standing in the shadows, standing by your shoulder, watching you. Waiting.

I got that feeling today. I was walking home from Kairi's house, and I could have sworn that I kept seeing something out of the corner of my eye. I kept feeling like whatever it was, was just waiting for something. I can't help wondering if it's just me being paranoid that's making me see things. I don't think it is, though. It feels too real for that.

I miss you.

Love,

Sora

**********

Febuary 5th, 2012

Dear Riku,

You know that feeling I told you about? The way it feels like someone's watching me? It's just... gone now.

I woke up this morning, and I didn't realize until quite a bit later, but it was the first morning in a while I hadn't woken up feeling like I'd gotten no sleep the night before, feeling worse than I'd felt the night before.. I'd slept well for the first time in a long time. No nightmares either. It was a pleasant change, for once.

Kairi seems better as well. I didn't realize before, but she, and me, I guess, we both had dark circles under our eyes. We were both starting to look almost sick, run down and always tired.

It's almost weirder now, I guess. I think that I had almost gotten used to feeling that sort of presence near by, all the time. Almost gotten used to feeling like someone was watching me, all the time. The thought is actually more than a little creepy, that I had gotten so used to just being watched like that. That I had gotten used to seeing something out of the corner of my eye, something that would disappear the moment I turned to look for it.

And now it's just... gone. Everything, the feeling of someone watching me, the sense I should be waiting for something that never comes, even the feeling that something bad was coming. It's all gone now.

It's a little disconcerting.

I feel almost off balance now, like I'm waiting to see or hear something that isn't there and never will be, even though I'm waiting. A little like you are right now.

It's been a long time...but I think that I still expect to see you, all the time. I expect to see you on your island, or have you be sitting at the table at Kairi's house, while we make cookies like we used to. I think that Kairi feels the same way, sometimes she'll turn to ask you something, but you won't be there, and she'll look... stricken. I think that I'm still waiting for you to just turn up one day, smile just like you used to, and ask me if I missed you.

I do miss you.

Love,

Sora

**********

Febuary 6th, 2012

Dear Riku,

That feeling I told you about, the one that went away, the one like something bad was coming... it's back. I think that yesterday was just the calm before the storm, in a sense.

Oh god, Riku, everything's a mess, everything is awful and I have no idea what I should do.

I ran into a Heartless on the way to your island. I swear that it's true and there was a Heartless, it wasn't just my imagination. I killed it, of course, but summoning the Keyblades... it hurt. It hurt like they were being ripped out of me. Hurt like I thought I was dying. It hurt like nothing I've felt before. It's never happened before, they've always been so easy to summon.

But that's not the point. What was a Heartless doing here of all places? Here, Destiny Islands. And if there was one, there must be others. I remember learning that the hard way. They travel in packs, because I think that even they understand on some level that there is strength in numbers.

Oh god, Riku, I think that this is what that bad feeling I've been having was about. Except it's still there.

I think that it's only going to get worse from now on.

I think it's already worse than it was before.

You always told me to trust my instincts, that for all my lack of common sense I had the best instincts, and I always have, like you told me to. I always took everything you told me to heart. But this time...I don't want to. This time...I think I'm scared they'll be right and something really bad will happen.

Oh god, Riku, everything's a mess. Everything's a mess and I don't know what to do anymore. I can't tell Kairi. I couldn't be able to stand the way I know her face would look when I told her there were Heartless here, on Destiny Islands.

How did they get here and why? Why now? I have too many questions and not nearly enough answers.

Riku, I need you right now, where are you?

I miss you.

Love,

Sora

**********

**One year, eleven months ago**

December 26th, 2009

Dear Riku,

Yesterday was Christmas. I think that it might be a little unhealthy that Kairi and me didn't spend more than five minutes apart all day and we cried more times than I can remember. But I guess it's not really unhealthy if it keeps you going, keeps you awake and alive and not on the edge of killing yourself, on the edge of a metaphorical cliff. Or, a real one, I guess.

There's plenty of cliffs here on Destiny Islands, do you remember the bluffs? We used to all go out there with baskets of picnic lunches our mother's packed, and we'd spend an afternoon out there. Sometimes we'd bring kites, the wind was always stronger up there. Sometimes we'd just sit up there and watch the sky, like we did so many afternoons. We wouldn't come home until it was dark out.

You know, we're lucky that none of us ever tripped and fell off of the cliffs, it would have been so easy. Especially when we'd walk home that night. We'd be tired and distracted, it would be Dark and none of us would be paying much attention to where we were walking. It would have been so easy for one of us to trip over a rock and end up dead on the sand below.

We were always lucky as children, nothing bad ever happened to us, we never got hurt. Destiny Islands always seemed almost perfect back then, like something from a picture come to life.

I think I'm on a bit of a cliff right now.

Kairi...she wants something from me that I can't give her. I think that I'm becoming dependant on her, almost like I was with you, but not because she could never be you.

She's not like either of us, Riku, she's stronger and she's so much better at coping, so much better at moving on than either of us are.

Not like you or me, we cling to the past like if we don't, we'll forget everything the moment we let go. We get close to one person, and when they're gone...we fall apart completely.

I know that I did, when you disappeared.

I miss you.

Your friend,

Sora

**********

Febuary 8th, 2012

Dear Riku,

I'm even more worried about everything than I was before.

It seems like everywhere I turn, there's a Heartless there now. I'm a little scared now, scared that someone is going to get turned into a Heartless. Scared that someone's going to die.

Summoning the Keyblade hasn't been as painful as that first time, but it's not nearly as easy as it was when we were off world, not as easy as it was when I was fighting all the time. It hurts a little still, not like it did, but just like a really bad paper cut. It isn't as bad as that first time.

Fighting them came back to me, I guess it's a little like riding a bike, something that you never forget. Muscle memory and all that.

I've been watching everything, I've been looking for something, anything else strange that will link to why the Heartless are here. I need to know why they're here.

I've been very careful to not let anyone see me when I kill them, when I have my Keyblades out. I don't want anyone to know about them, or know that I knew about them before they got here.

I guess I'm only delaying things though, there seems to be more and more everyday, even though it's only been a couple of days since I saw that first one. They're everywhere now, and when I kill one it seems like another one - or two even - just takes it's place.

Remember how you were so scared of the Dark when we first came home? You hated the Dark. I think I'm scared of the Dark too, now.

I'm only just realizing that the Heartless...they can hide so well when it's Dark, they blend into the shadows like they were made of the same thing. I guess they kind of are a type of shadow. And the Dark only makes them more frightening. You can only see their eyes, that amber-y yellow color that seems to glow on it's own. Is that why you hated it too? Because you didn't know what was hiding in the shadows?

Riku, I'm worried.

I miss you.

Love,

Sora

**********

Febuary 9th, 2012

Dear Riku,

I'm giving myself a break today. I'm going to stay on your island all day, and try hard not to think about Heartless, or Darkness, or any of the things that have been making me worried or scared.

It's Dark out now. I'm not sure why, but it isn't scaring me right now, for some reason, your island makes me feel safe. Makes me feel safe like you used to. I don't have that bad feeling here. I don't feel like someone's watching me anymore when I'm here.

It makes me not want to leave at all, even though I know I need to.

It's a new moon today, there is no moon which makes it even Darker than night usually seems. The stars seem brighter than they have for a while. Maybe that's because I haven't been able to appreciate them for a while.

People are probably starting to wonder where I am, but I don't want to go home yet. I don't want to have to go deal with more Heartless as I walk home. They haven't attacked anyone yet, and I'm glad. They seem to be following me. Maybe because I have the keyblade, but whatever the reason, I'm glad they haven't attacked anyone yet.

Yet.

I know I said I was going to try not to worry about anything tonight, but it's hard not to. I haven't seen any Heartless tonight. For some reason they seem to avoid your island. I know that there are probably twenty of them waiting for me to leave here so that they can attack me. They're drawn to the Keyblade, and as long as I have it they'll follow me.

I'm scared for me mom, and Kairi, and anyone near me, scared that they might be attacked by the Heartless following me.

Right, no thinking, no worrying.

Do you remember when we were little, and we would sneak out of our homes at night to go swimming in the ocean? We'd only go when the moon was close to being full. I'd love how it would reflect on the water with the stars. The stars are beautiful tonight, Riku.

I miss you.

Love,

Sora


	5. Part Five

Febuary 10th, 2012

Dear Riku,

I shouldn't have let myself take a break yesterday. It was such a mistake.

Oh god, Riku. Selphie's mom disappeared yesterday. No one has seen her since sometime yesterday morning and I know that it's not my fault but I feel guilty.

When I got home, my mom was waiting up for me, so that she could tell me. She was crying when she told me. They had been friends since they were little girls. It was the first time I've ever seen her cry. I think that her crying, I think it scared me more than the Heartless ever did.

I know that the Heartless might not be connected to Selphie's moms disappearance, but it seems like too big of a coincidence to be something else. And I just know that it wasn't just a random occurance, it was the Heartless, and she isn't coming back, she's gone, forever.

That bad feeling is worse than ever.

I had known that it was only a matter of time before someone's heart was eaten by a Heartless, before someone disappeared. I knew, but I wasn't ready for this. I'm still not.

I feel so guilty. I feel like it was my fault, my fault that I let myself take a break yesterday, let myself relax for a while and forget about my worries. While Selphie's mom was getting killed by a Heartless, I was watching the way that the stars reflected on the water.

I'm the only one who knows what's happening, and I don't know what to do. I can't kill every single one of the Heartless on my own, and even if I told Kairi and got her to help, the two of us still wouldn't be enough to kill them all.

Riku, I'm scared who's going to be next. I'm scared that it will be someone close to me.

I've never been a good liar, and even though I'm better than I was before we left, I know that I wouldn't be able to lie well in the least if someone asked me if I knew anything.

I don't want to even think about facing Selphie after this, knowing that I know what happened to her mom, and not being able to tell her. Even if I told the truth, I don't think anyone would believe me. It sounds far fetched even to me; that black shadow-like creatures with yellow eyes that eat hearts ate Selphie's mom's heart and now she's one of them.

If you didn't already know about them, would you have believed me?

I don't think so.

I miss you.

Love,

Sora

**********

Febuary 11th, 2012

Dear Riku,

I'm pretty sure that Kairi knows that I know what happened to Selphie's mom. Or, at least, she thinks that I know something about it.

I've never been a good liar, and it's always been harder to lie to her than anyone else, even my mom. Maybe it's because she knows me, and I guess that I know her just as well as she knows me.

Kairi came over to my house today. She looked at me, and I could see it in her eyes, she was asking me a question that I just didn't want to answer.

When Kairi looked at me, and she asked me that question with her eyes, I froze up. For a moment I just sat there, staring at her.

She's beautiful now, you know, all grown up and not at all like the baby-faced kid that she used to be. I don't think I've noticed that before now, she's always seemed younger than us for some reason. Naive.

She doesn't now, not anymore.

I just... froze up, and I couldn't answer, couldn't tell her. I'm not ready to tell her, not at all. Not ready to see the way I know that her face will just fall when I let her know that there are Heartless here.

I know that I'll have to, eventually. I'm not like you. I can't work alone, can't do everything on my own and survive. I'm used to having someone by my side, watching my back whenever I fight. I need someone there.

This was the first strange thing that has happened on Destiny Islands, ever since we found home again. Other than your disappearance, I mean. It's hard to believe that it's been almost three years since I was last off world, almost three years since anything big happened to me.

The police will probably try to link your disappearance to Selphie's mom's. There won't be any evidence when they look, no connection. She'll just turn into another cold case, like you.

I miss you.

Love,

Sora

**********

Febuary 12th, 2012

Dear Riku,

Why didn't you tell me?

That's what Kairi asked me, this morning, on your island, sitting in the paopu tree in a way that was just too familiar, too parallel to how it was when we sat there, years ago, and I asked you why you never told me you liked me.

I was so childish back then, all I cared about was being liked by my friends, having friends, and having fun. I didn't worry about anything, didn't have a care in the world back then. I sometimes wish that I was still that person.

Kairi knows about the Heartless.

Kairi knows about the Heartless and she is so sad that I didn't tell her.

She's not at all angry at me, which is surprising, she's just... sad that I never told her. I would have been angry, I would have been furious if she hadn't told me, if she had though she could take care of it herself.

I guess I'm a little bit of a hypocrite that way.

You know, her face was exactly like I thought it would be. So sad, and confused. She didn't know why I wouldn't have told her, why I kept it inside.

Maybe this is what that therapist I stopped seeing only a year ago was talking about when she said that I internalized things. When she said that I needed to talk more.

I used to talk to you, used to tell you everything.

There's even more Heartless than there was before. Their numbers seem to be doubling everyday, and when I kill one, where another would take it's place, now two do.

I'm scared.

Riku, I'm scared like I don't remember ever being before. Not when we first got separated, not when I faced that replica of you, not ever.

And now Kairi knows. She wants to help me fight them, she doesn't want anyone else to find out about them, or worse, be turned into one.

She was so sad when she asked me why I hadn't told her. I think that she knew I would have told you moment I found out, and she hated that.

She hates how she can never replace you, how she will never be as close to me as you were.

I miss you.

Love,

Sora

**********

**Two years, one month ago**

January 3rd, 2010

Dear Riku,

It's a new year. Kairi and me, we spent New Years together. I think we're spending too much time together but it feels right to be together, a little like it did with us.

The fireworks scared me. Kairi spent the night holding me, and I don't think that my hands have completely stopped shaking yet, even though it was a few days ago. I hadn't realized how much loud noises bothered me until now. I mean, I noticed that bangs and bumps made me jump, but I thought it was just because I was startled.

We were going to watch the fireworks display together, we were in the park with everyone, ready to watch, sitting on a blanket spread out on the always-green grass. It was a mistake, from the first firework, all I could see or think of was Darkness, and Heartless, and how the fireworks reminded me of fire, and Axel and Axel dying, and death, so much death.

I think I might have started to scream.

Kairi took me home after that first firework, and she spent the night at my house. I was so... I don't even know what. I felt... blank. Just, empty. I remember sitting on my bed, with my knees against my chest. At first, Kairi kept asking me if I was okay, and when I didn't answer, she started asking me what was wrong. After a while, I think she gave up on getting me to talk. I remember listening to her nonsensical babbling, and I realized why you'd listen to me without complaint.

It was comforting, white noise, even though only half of what she said actually registered. I was so scared. Riku, is this what you felt like all the time? Did you feel this scared, and empty all time? Like... like a shell of yourself?

I miss you.

Your friend,

Sora

**********

Febuary 14th, 2012

Dear Riku,

I'm glad that Kairi and I aren't in college right now, I've seen the course load that all of my friends have, and there would have been no way I could have juggled that and killing all of the Heartless.

Kairi's helping now, ever since she found out. I'm lending her Oathkeeper, and using Oblivion myself. I think that she's a little angry with me, mad that I didn't tell her. But she's more sad that she can't be the one for me to talk to.

I don't think she believed me when I told her that I was going to let her know about the Heartless soon. I really was going to, I just wasn't ready yet. I wasn't ready for anyone to know about them. I'm still not.

We spent all day yesterday and today killing Heartless. It felt... good to be fighting again. I didn't realize how much a part of me fighting had become while I was away. It felt familiar, fighting with someone at my back, protecting me. It was a relief.

I think that this is what nostalgia feels like.

With Kairi helping me, it seems like the number of Heartless around seems to be staying the same now, instead of doubling every day. No one else has disappeared, but I know that it's only a matter of time until someone else does get killed.

I haven't seen Selphie yet, and I'm not looking forward to when I do. I know how she feels, I know how it feels to have someone disappear with no trace, no trail. I know what it's like because of you.

I miss you.

Love,

Sora

**********

Febuary 15th, 2012

Dear Riku,

I think that I'm going to be scared of looking at the newpaper from now on. I just glanced at the front page today, and the first headline I saw was "Two More Vanished Without a Trace".

Two more

people, Riku. Two more families without someone.

I don't even know them, they weren't people close to me, but that doesn't mean that I feel any less guilty for their disappearance. They're Heartless now, I know it. It's not just a coincidence.

Kairi and me... I knew that we wouldn't be enough, and we aren't. For a day, it seemed like the number of Heartless around was staying the same, but now... now there are so many of them, and they're everywhere. No one knows about them, but I know that's just because anyone who saw them would have to have been close enough to the Heartless to catch and kill them. And then it doesn't even matter if they knew.

I don't want to look at the newspaper tomorrow, don't want to look to see who else disappeared, who else is gone forever.

How long is it going to be before everyone's gone? How long before the Darkness completely swallows Destiny Islands and everyone here are Heartless?

I don't want to be here.

Right now... I... I just want to give up. Stop fighting. Right now I want to just throw myself at one of the packs of Heartless I just know are waiting for me to leave your island. I can't fight forever, and I know that.

I don't want to fight anymore, and that scares me, Riku.

I want to just quit, but then I think of Kairi, I think of seeing you again, and I know that I can't. Too many peoples lives depend on me fighting, they depend on me keeping the Heartless' numbers down. I guess... I guess that I need to be the hero, again.

I wish you were here to tell me that I can't give up, I wish you were here to help me.

I miss you.

Love,

Sora

**********

Febuary 16th, 2012

Dear Riku,

I've started sleeping with all the lights on. Without them, when it's Dark... I'm scared of what's hiding in the shadows. The moon and stars seem a little dimmer now, almost like the whole world is holding it's breath, like it's waitiing for something, or like it's fightened.

It's not like I've been getting much sleep anyways; I've been spending all my time killing Heartless. Kairi too, except we aren't fighting together anymore. We have a plan, or at least, a tiny fragment of a plan. We've started taking two or three hour shifts, once we realized that the Heartless weren't going away, and that we weren't superhuman. We tried staying awake, fighting without stopping so that we might be able to put a dent in their numbers. It didn't work.

Kairi passed out.

Kairi passed out, and if I had been just a foot farther away, her Heart would have been eaten by the approching pack of Heartless. She would have been one of them.

It was such a close call.

We're taking short shifts, and in the time between, we sleep, and eat. I'm spending this break writing to you on your island.

The Heartless still seem to hate your island, they avoid it, and I've never seen any, here. I'm glad. It gives me a chance to rest somewhere it's quiet and familiar.

I'm a little worried leaving Kairi alone for the hours that she fights off the Heartless, but I know that this is the only way we can even hope to keep everyone from being killed. I shouldn't be worried. I keep forgetting that she was on her own while we were, too, and that she can take care of herself perfectly well. She isn't helpless. I think that I sometimes forget that.

I haven't looked at the newspaper today, I've decided that I'm not going to. It would only discourage me, make giving up seem even more like a good idea than it already does.

The plan that Kairi and I came up with isn't really much of a plan. It's just a schedule to prolong this, to keep people alive for a little while longer, as they watch all their friends and family disappear.

I guess when you think about it like that, it doesn't seem like we're doing any good at all.

Kairi will be back soon, I should probably be getting home so that I can let her get a late supper so that she can sleep until it's time for her to go and kill some more Heartless.

I miss you, Riku.

Love,

Sora

**********

Febuary 17th, 2012

Dear Riku,

I've been thinking a lot lately. Fighting the Heartless is repetative, and it's easy to fall into a mindless pattern of slash, parry, slash, swipe, stab, repeat. Easy to let your mind wander while your body does the killing.

I've been thinking a lot while I've been fighting, and these really aren't the kind of inspirational, keep-on-fighting kind of thoughts that I should be having right now.

I've been wondering what kind of person each of these Heartless was before their Heart was eaten and they became like this. Did they have families? Are their families still alive? Am I killing their family members right now?

Were they good? Or bad? Where was their home world? When did become Heartless? How old were they?

Those kinds of thoughts.

It got me thinking... None of these Heartless actually wanted to be Heartless. It wasn't their fault, was it?

They used to be humans. They used to be people like me or Kairi, like you.

And it got me thinking... that I'm a murderer, aren't I? These are humans that I'm killing, or, they used to be. These are humans that I've been killing for days now.

I don't want to be a murderer.

I guess that these people didn't want to be Heartless either, so I guess no one really gets what they want.

We're still taking shifts me and Kairi, still killing Heartless, still killing people. But the Heartless are still creating more of their own kind, still eating Hearts. People are still disappearing, more and more everyday are just gone.

Now, when I cut down another Heartless, I wonder if it was someone I knew.

I wonder if maybe I just killed my neighboor.

Everyone on the islands is panicking, they don't know what to do, and they don't know what's happening. I think that Kairi and me are the only one's who haven't gone mad with fear. I think that's because we know that if we don't put up a strong front, we might start screaming and never stop. I know that I would, if I let myself. I can't though. I have too much to do still.

When my friends disappear, when everyone close to me is gone, I think that I'm going to need to do what you told me that you did. Do you remember, how one time I asked you how you survived the Darkness?

You said you did whatever it took to survive.

I'm going to do whatever it takes, Riku.

Because I need to be with you again.

Love,

Sora

**********

Febuary 18th, 2012

Dear Riku,

It's kill, eat, sleep, get up, go out, kill, eat, sleep, repeat, now. That's my life, now. That's how it is for Kairi and me. I'm so... tired. Always tired. I want to stop, I want to stop so badly, but I know that I can't.

I have pictures of mom, dad and all my friends that I keep with me, in my pocket. When I'm out killing Heartless after Heartless, and I feel like I just want to stop fighting and give up, I'll take out the pictures and look hard at them. It gives me enough strength, enough motivation to keep going until it's time for Kairi to take over, and me to go rest. Time for me to go home, have something to eat, or if I'm too wired on adrenaline for food, something to drink, maybe a quick shower, and then I'll crash into bed. Killing takes a lot out of a person. I forgot about that part of fighting.

Keep trying, keep trying, keep trying.

Keep living, keep living, keep living.

God, Riku, I don't even know if I want to live anymore. Killing all these Heartless, I can't help but feel guilty. Can't help but feel like I'm killing another human being, because that's what they were, before they became Heartless.

I'll think, is that my old teacher I just killed? And then I'll make myself stop thinking at all, because those are the kind of thoughts that make me wonder if I even want to keep trying anymore.

Keep going, keep breathing, keep living.

At this point that's all I care about.

Staying alive, and awake. When I feel the Darkness tingling on the surface of my skin as I get too close to a Heartless, it reminds me I'm alive, and that's all that matters.

I'm going to make you a promise, Riku. I'm going to make you a promise, because I don't break my promises, ever, and I never lie. Not to you.

I promise you that I will see you again someday.

I'll do whatever it takes.

I'll see you again.

Love,

Sora

**********

Febuary 19th, 2012

Dear Riku,

I think at this point... I think that I've numbed myself to killing the Heartless. I know that's a horrible thing to say, and it only been what, a week since the first Heartless showed up? Something like that. It's not like I've been keeping track.

It's been so endless, though; it would have been impossible for me not to have grown accustomed to it again. Or maybe I'm just weak to have gotten over the horror of killing so quickly.

Here on Destiny Islands, war wasn't a word that was known, it wasn't a word that was needed, because we had never experienced anything like it here. Some of the worlds I visited made me realize how sheltered everyone was here. Murder was unheard of, anyone dying young was unknown, we'd never known tragedy, never been taught it in school.

This

is war, or a least a taste of it. It's nothing like real wars, I remember some of the stories I was told by people I met, and this is nothing like war. This is silent, and creeps in when you're not expecting it. It's quick, you die fast and you're gone. What I know of war, what people told me, it was painful, brutal, and people died, so much. People are dying, Riku. People are dying here.

Death wasn't something talked about here. Death was something that happened silently, in your sleep at home, when you had lived a very full life, and you were old. Not like war, where people who were little more than children died, slowly, painfully. Loudly.

I'm killing children, silently. The Heartless, some of them were children, I know. I know that children are disappearing along with everyone else here.

In a way, the silence the Heartless brings with them is more frightening that if they came screaming and shrieking, loud, not sneaking quietly up behind you. You once told me "If you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back". You said it was a quote by someone, and you smirked a little as you said it, and your smirk was bitter, because you knew. You knew that it was true.

I wonder if whoever had wrote that quote, had ever seen the Heartless, or the Darkness.

The abyss certainly does stare back, Riku; with hundreds of glowing amber eyes, that seem to suck all the Light from the world. Did the Darkness stare back at you?

It's staring back at me right now.

Do you remember how we'd sit in your paopu tree and watch the night sky? The Darkness wasn't scary with you. Nothing was scary with you, because you were you, and you made me feel safe, always.

I need you, Riku.

Love,

Sora  



	6. Part Six

**One year, eleven months ago**

January 10th, 2010

Dear Riku,

Christmas break had been nice, a nice change from having to see so many people everyday in school. In school, people watched me, all the time. They must have thought that I didn't know, that I didn't notice, but I did.

Just like I knew how they used to talk about us when we weren't watching, when we weren't listening. They'd say that it wasn't natural for two people to be so close to each other, that we were completely insane from our time away.

They used to say that Kairi was the normal one of us, that whatever we went through, she must have been stronger to not have gotten weird, like us. Or that she was the one who would crack eventually. They'd say that it was always the quiet ones you have to watch.

Now they talk about how you ran away, they think that you must have had some sort of psychotic break and left. Sometimes, when they're feeling particularly vicious, they'll talk about how they think you killed yourself, and that's why you're gone.

Sometimes they'll add that you must have made me watch, and that's why I'm so much quieter than I used to be, why I changed so much.

Sometimes I feel like I might want to kill something when I hear the whispers, the rumors about all of us.

Remember how when we first came home, how bad it was? People were making up ridiculous stories about us, and where we'd been. You told me not to listen, but it's hard, because you're not even here to beat up the people that are still running their mouths. People stopped talking then, when you did that. People were scared of you because of that, and people talked even more about it after you disappeared.

They're still talking.

And they won't stop.

I miss you.

Your friend,

Sora

**********

Febuary 21st, 2012

Dear Riku,

I saw Selphie and all of my other friends, today. It seems like they've all had someone close to them go missing. It was hard, I didn't even have Kairi with me. She was out killing more Heartless, and I just felt so... alone, even with all my friends around me. I don't think I know them anymore.

I don't think I have for a while now.

Summoning the Keyblades hurt afterward, when we went to go kill more Heartless. It had gotten better for a while, and didn't hurt at all, but now it does again. It hurts, and just makes me want to go to your island, or go home, and just give up all together. Makes me want to just hide under the covers and hope it all goes away.

But I know that it won't, and that's the only reason I don't give up.

Kairi's dad disappeared yesterday. I found out when we met this morning. She was crying, and shaking, and I don't think I've ever seen her this way. I don't think I've ever seen her fall apart like that. Do you remember how she was always careful to never let us see her when she wasn't at her best? I think that's because she knew that we would depend on her to put us back together when we broke.

Kairi kept fighting today, she cried for a while, and then she went with me to go kill more Heartless. I didn't want to leave her alone, and I didn't. I was scared that she might decide to give up, and I wouldn't be there to make her keep going.

I shouldn't have worried. She's stronger than us, and she wouldn't give up like I'm so tempted to right now. She knows that the people on Destiny Islands need us to keep fighting for them, because if we don't, no one else will.

The newpapers stopped running today. I guess that there wasn't enough people to keep writing and printing them. It's just as well. Now I don't need to avoid them, avoid seeing who else is gone.

I'm scared for when the power goes out, when there are enough people to keep the lights on, and at night it'll be Dark. It will be Dark, and the Heartless will be able to hide in the shadows so well, waiting for someone to get close enough for them to strike. I'm scared of the dark, Riku. I'm scared of how when you look into the Darkness, it stares back at you. It stares back with hundreds of eyes, proof that even though Kairi and me have been working night and day, we're not decreasing the number of Heartless at all.

We're trying so hard, but it's not doing anything, people are still disappearing, and people will keep disappearing, more Heartless will be made.

I don't know what to do. I didn't know what to do when I saw that first Heartless, and I still don't. I'm so lost.

I need you Riku.

Love,

Sora

**********

Febuary 22nd, 2012

Dear Riku,

My mom is gone. I... I was being so careful, I was keeping the Heartless away from my house, but I guess it wasn't enough. I wasn't enough.

My dad is a wreck. He hasn't stopped crying once, and I don't think he's eaten anything or slept since yesterday. It's scary to see him like this. He's never been like this before, it's like how my mom was when she found out that her childhood friend had disappeared.

Kairi and me, we're killing off Heartless all the time now. I haven't slept for more than three hours straight for days, and I'm not sure when I last had a good meal or a full night sleep. Kairi's in just as bad shape. You know, we've both lost someone close to us now. Both of us lost a parent. I think that loosing them, it just made us want to fight harder.

And maybe revenge isn't a good reason to keep fighting, but when I think about all the people who've been lost, or who've lost someone, it's as motivating as any.

People are dying Riku. People are dying all the time now, and I can't do anything about it, I can't stop it. There aren't enough of us to fight, and keep people alive, even though we're trying so hard. It's not working. I feel so helpless.

I want to give up, I want to just stop fighting, but then I think of you. And what you told me. You did whatever it took to survive the Darkness, and I'll do whatever it takes to survive this. Even if that means killing all these Heartless, all of my friends, all the people who used to be people but are now just mindless heart-eating-creatures, and something so not human.

Because I made you a promise, just like you made me, and we'll see each other again, someday. We will.

You'll see.

I'll keep fighting... but Riku, I don't know how long even Kairi and I can keep going. I don't know how long even we can survive with killing, and killing, and killing the only thing for us to do. It's no way for anyone to live.

Oh god... Riku, how long do I have before everyone is gone? How long before Kairi and me are the only ones left because we are the only ones who can fight? How long until the lights go out, and it's even harder to stay alive?

How long until even we're gone, and there's no one left here?

Riku, I need you.

Love,

Sora

**********

Febuary 23rd, 2012

Dear Riku,

The Heartless are either getting stronger, or we're getting weaker. It seems harder to kill them now than it used to. Kairi and I, we've both had some close calls lately.

We stopped taking shifts and fighting alone when we realized that it was getting too dangerous, and we were getting too careless. It wouldn't matter if we were both out there all the time, the Heartless are claiming more and more people everyday.

When I was away, I met a man named Cloud, he carried this huge sword, and it was all nicked and scratched from all the use it had gotten. The Keyblades... that never happened to them, they stayed gleaming and shining and new no matter how much I fought with them.

They're starting to show their use now, and I'm worried that one of them will break soon, while we're fighting, and leave the person using it defenseless.

And with the way that the Heartless seem to be getting stonger, I think that it could be any day now that happens.

The Keyblades seem to be getting weaker, and that scares me, because they've always represented something strong, and good to me. But now, they're weaker than they used to be, and sometimes if I squint, I can almost see tendrils of Darkness curving around the blades. That scares me too, even though it's probably just a combination of lack of sleep and an almost constant kind of fear for those close to me that's making me see things.

That feeling like someone was watching me, now I know that it was the Heartless. Or, I hope it was, otherwise I have something new to worry about. The feeling is still there, like a reminder that the Heartless are still out there killing, and waiting to be killed. A reminder that me and Kairi are failing in protecting everyone despite how hard we're trying.

I need you, Riku.

Love,

Sora

**********

Febuary 24th, 2012

Dear Riku,

Kairi said something to me, and it got me thinking. She said that at least this way, with the Heartless to fight, I'm not spending all my time hung up on mourning you.

It was the way she said it, it was so bitter, and so sad, and it made me realize, that despite how dependant on her I'd become, I completely took her for granted, like we did when we first came home.

After you disappeared, Kairi seemed like she was the only remotely normal thing I had left to cling on to, but then I think I forgot about her all over again. I think she hates that I'm still holding onto my memories of you, while she moved on already, she got used to the idea of never seeing you again. I didn't, and I don't think I ever will.

It's been so long.

I think that sometimes, she regrets never deciding to move on from me, too.

In a way, I am glad that I have something to do now, I'm glad that I have something to distract me from missing you. I have something to make me forget, just for a moment, that it's been almost two and a half years since you disappeared, and there has been no sign of you, ever. That's such a long time, but sometimes it still feels fresh, and it hurts like it did when you first disappeared even though it's old, and I know that I shouldn't still be holding onto your memory like this.

You know, sometimes I think that I regret not trying to make it work with Kairi, who knows, I could have been happy, and I could have moved on from you. It would have made her happy, I know that. I know that it's what she's been wanting, what she's been waiting for, but I can't give it to her, and I regret that. I regret that I can't make her happy.

I can't make everyone happy, you were the one who taught me that. I can't make everyone happy, even though sometimes, when she'll look at me almost like you used to, I feel so tempted to try, just for a chance to let go of you.

But then I'll think of how we were together, I'll remember how your hands felt in my hair, or how your eyes felt on me when you looked at me that way, and I'll know that I made the right choice, I'll know that if there's even the smallest chance that I'll see you again, I will always take it.

Because I need you.

Love,

Sora

**********

Febuary 25th, 2012

Dear Riku,

The lights are starting to flicker, just a little bit, now. Nothing too noticable, I've only noticed because I was watching, I've been waiting for this. People don't leave their houses anymore, they've boarded up their windows to try and stay safe.

School and jobs have been cancelled indefinitely, and the stores are all empty, they were ransacked when people started getting scared, stocking up on food and supplies. It won't make a difference, a full pantry won't protect them from the Heartless.

When Kairi and I go out to kill Heartless, the streets are empty, and silent. It's a dead zone, and the silence is terrifying. Before now, I didn't realize how frightening silence could be, how choking and huge it could be when it's to this extent.

Kairi has trouble getting out of her house now, her mom doesn't want her to leave, but she does anyways, she comes to find me and we'll go kill more Heartless together. Try and keep the people who are left alive a little longer. Sometimes we'll go into the shops, look for some more food, and water, since even we don't have much left. My dad doesn't try and stop me, he's retreated into his own mind, and he barely even noticed when I'm there. He's acting like how I did when you disappeared.

Maybe it runs in the family.

Water stopped running a while ago, and sometimes I wonder if the Heartless got into our pipes. It's not a good thought at all.

People don't leave their homes anymore, and it's like they're just waiting, waiting for their death to come to them. It's like they've given up before they even started, because they don't know what to fight, or who to fight, or how to fight, and do you even know how hard it is to save people who aren't even trying anymore?

It's very hard.

I'm scared that people are going to start snapping, and they'll leave their houses and go looking for their own death. Everyone is relatively safe in their homes, safer than they would be out here, and it makes less work for Kairi and I. We don't need to worry about people seeing us, anymore. But it's silent, now.

Dead

.

It's so quiet here, and it scares me so much.

Riku, I need you.

Love,

Sora

**********

Febuary 26th, 2012

Dear Riku,

The lights went off last night. I was on your island, and Kairi was at home with her mom. I saw it happen, the lights, they just flickered a couple of times and then they just... went out.

It was so strange, from where I was, I had been able to see the lights shining in people's homes, and when they went off, it was just Dark. Like a void.

Until the Heartless struck, and the only Light was the moon and the stars and the Heartless' eyes, glowing in the Darkness. They came in a huge mass, all of them sweeping over the houses.

Oh god, Riku, I think that they must have killed more than half of the people on Destiny Islands last night.

I didn't get home fast enough, I ran, I tried, but by the time I got there, the Heartless were already attacking everyone.

I went and found Kairi first, which, now that I think about it is awful. I didn't even worry about my father, waiting for me at home, I only cared about Kairi.

If you'd been here I'd have looked for you first.

Fires broke out last night, and I think that half of the town burned down before it died out.

There was no one to put it out, it just... died after a while.

You know how I said that silence was the worst? I was wrong.

This, this chaos, and noise, the bright fires and the glowing eyes of the Heartless, all these people screaming, it's so much worse. So much worse than the silence ever was.

On your island, when I first saw the lights go out, for a moment, I couldn't move, I just froze, and the only thought in my mind was that it had taken long enough to happen.

Oh god, Riku, I need you, where are you?

Love,

Sora

**********

Febuary 27th, 2012

Dear Riku,

Destiny Islands are a mess. Some people are still alive, but I don't think that will last long. Today, all Kairi and I were focusing on was finding people who were still alive, and bringing them to your island to keep them safe. The Heartless, they still hate your island.

Riku, last night, I saw so many people get turned into Heartless, and I wasn't fast enough to do anything, and all I could do was watch them die.

I tried, I tried so hard, but it wasn't enough, and I don't think it ever would have been. There wasn't enough of us, and maybe if we had started earlier we could have saved more people, but it's too late now.

Too late to fix anything, too late for us to change anything because those people, they're all gone, and they won't come back, ever.

I killed someone last night, Riku. Not a Heartless, an actual human. It was a little girl, and she must have gotten caught in one of the fires, because she was so burned, you could barely even tell that she was human. I was out looking for people who had survived, and I found her. She was crying. She was clinging onto her mother's body like a lifeline, and it was obvious her mom was dead, eyes open, staring blankly. The little girl, she looked at me, and her eyes, they were so scared.

She asked me to help her.

There wasn't anything else for me to, there aren't any doctors, and even if there was, the hospital isn't much more than ashes now.

Oh god, I didn't even know her, Riku. I didn't even know her name, and I killed her.

If you were here, you'd tell me it was for the best, that it was better for me to kill her than let her suffer for who knows how long until she died.

But it doesn't feel like I did the right thing, Riku.

You know, sometimes I wonder how different my definition of right and your definition of right is.

Of course, you've been in the Darkness, and you've experienced things that I can't even dream of. I know that you had thought you hid it well enough, but I know that you'd been through so much more than what you told me.

Now, I'm beginning to wonder how much worse the Darkness is than this, because this is pretty awful as it is, to watch everyone you know disappear and not being able to do anything.

You disappeared.

And I couldn't do anything.

Riku, I need you.

Love,

Sora

**********

Febuary 28th, 2012

Dear Riku,

People are scared of me.

I was searching for people who had survived the Heartless' attack, when I found Selphie and Tidus. They were tramatized, and so scared. They were about to be killed by Heartless, and I saved them. After I killed the Heartless, Tidus looked me in the eyes and asked me, in a terrified voice; What are you?

What am I, Riku? I'm... not who I used to be and sometimes I don't feel like I have any right to be wielding the Keyblade.

When Tidus looked at me like that, Selphie started to cry, and she wouldn't even look at me, and I know that was because she was scared of me.

But they look at Kairi like she's some sort of angel, come down from the skies to rescue them. They're not scared of her.

And it got me thinking... What happened to me? On all the worlds I visited, the people would look at me with awe, or amazement, but never fear, not like now.

People are so scared of me now, and I hate the look on their faces when they look at me, I hate how they freeze for a moment if I look at them, like they're scared I'll attack them.

I hate that when she smiles at me, there is pity in Kairi's eyes, now.

I think that she feels sorry for me, and I don't want that. I don't want her to feel sorry for me, because I don't need that. It's almost worse than the way there is fear in people's eyes when they look at me.

When all of this is over, and the Heartless are all dead, or everyone is dead, I don't know what I'm going to do anymore, because right now, I can't imagine a world where I didn't live to fight the Darkness all the time.

That scares me. I think... my Heart changed, when you left. I think... that maybe you took a piece of my Heart with you when you disappeared.

Maybe if I find you again, this feeling will go away.

I wonder if this is what Nobodies felt like.

I need you.

Love,

Sora

**********

Febuary 29th, 2012

Dear Riku,

This is worse than when the Heartless were just lurking in the shadows, waiting. This is worse, because we're trapped, and we know it.

There is no food anymore, at least none that we can access, and there isn't much water. Your island is the only safe place, and I'm starting to wonder, if maybe it's not safe, and the Heartless have just waited for the last survivors to come to this one spot, and then attack, and kill us all.

It isn't safe to leave your island anymore, even for Kairi and I, because there's too many Heartless to fight.

I think that maybe, the Heartless are smarter than any of us thought. I think that this was their plan all along, to corner all of us and wait to kill us, all of us, even Kairi and me. They're going to kill us, because we don't have anywhere left to go anymore, nowhere here is safe, and we can't survive here for much longer.

I haven't even been able to send you letters for a while now. I'm just keeping them in a box in the only bag I have right now. I'll give them to you when I see you next, I promise. Because I'll see you soon, I just know that I will.

I don't know what to do, Riku. If we stay here, we'll starve, but if we leave, the Heartless will get us. It's a loose-loose situation, and Kairi keeps looking at me like I know what to do, even though I don't.

I'm not infallible, and sometimes it doesn't seem like she understands that. Sometimes it seems like the only thing she sees when she looks at me is The Hero, and not me. Sometimes I think that she forgets that I'm just as young as her, and that I don't know any more than she does.

Selphie and Tidus won't look at me at all anymore, and in a way, I'm glad, because I don't have to see the fear in their eyes.

The way that Kairi seems to pity me is bad enough.

I feel more alone than I did when you first disappeared, Riku.

I need you.

Love,

Sora


	7. Part Seven

January 20th, 2010

Dear Riku,

Do you remember how Destiny Islands used to be our whole world? How we were when we were little, and we never even dreamed that other placed existed. We never even dreamed that there were other people out there, other worlds, just waiting to be found.

What changed?

We were so content to just live in the moment, focus on the sun, and the ocean, and the sand. But something changed, and we decided that it wasn't enough. We decided that our home, our annoyingly perfect home, with our perfect circle of friends, we decided that we wanted more than that.

I don't think that any of us, Kairi, you, or me, I don't think that any of us could have imagined what would happen when we decided to leave. None of us even thought about what it would do to the people we left behind, we only thought about us, and what we wanted then, at that moment. We didn't think about anyone other than us.

For all your irritating logic, that you always used to use to shoot down all of my insane ideas, you were never good at thinking about the consequences of things.

None of us were. And maybe that was just because we were so young, and we didn't know any better to think of anything other than that moment, but we never worried about what would happen.

We were so young, and naive, and we thought that we could leave, and come back, and that nothing would have changed.

What changed

? Kairi asked me, just after you disappeared. She was crying, and I was crying. We both cried a lot during the days after you disappeared.

I didn't have an answer for her then, but I do now.

We did.

We changed.

I miss you so much, Riku.

Your friend,

Sora

**********

March 2nd, 2012

Dear Riku,

I hate this.

I hate that this is the only place to be, and that we can't leave.

I hate that the Heartless killed almost everyone, and I couldn't do anything to stop it.

I hate that this is your island, and that plaque your parent's put up is right there. I hate how it feels almost like a shrine now that we never leave, and it's the only thing to look at that isn't black with amber eyes.

I hate how Kairi keeps looking at me like she expects me to know what to do, like she expects me to have a plan. I hate how almost no one can meet my eyes anymore, and when they do, they're completely terrifed of me.

I hate how the Keyblades hurt so much when I summon them to kill a Heartless that's getting too close to us. I hate that I need to summon them at all. I hate how I can see cracks starting to form on them.

I hate the Heartless, and I hate how I still feel so guilty for killing so many of them.

I hate that you're not here, and I hate that I can't even hate you for that, even though I want to, because you're not here, and I need you to be.

Where are you, Riku? Where have you been for the past two years?

You told me you wanted to be with me forever, you told me you'd be there for me, but where are you?

You lied to me.

It really shouldn't come as much of a surprise. You did lie to me a lot, and I guess I should be used to it by now, but I'm not.

I trusted you, and now I'm not so sure that you even deserve my trust anymore.

But I guess that I can't help but trust you, because I love you too much to not.

I need you right now.

Where are you, Riku?

Love,

Sora

**********

March 3rd, 2012

Dear Riku,

Sitting here, on your island, I can't help but wonder what you'd do if you were me, what you'd do if people were looking at you to be the leader.

You always were good in the role of leader, and I always was a better follower, despite all the times I was pushed into being the leader.

Here I am again, the leader, except unlike the other times, I don't know what to do.

I always knew what to do before, on the other worlds, everything always worked out in the end. But this time, I don't think that it will. I don't think that everything will be okay this time.

I guess that my good luck had to run out some time.

I don't know what's going to happen, anymore. Before, I had a plan. Find you, find Kairi, and come home again.

This time, I have no plan, and I don't know what I'm going to do.

People are expecting me to know what to do, and I don't this time. I have no clue what I should do, or where I should go.

How do I tell them that? How do I tell them that the person they seem to have chosen as leader, doesn't know how to lead them? I'm wondering what you'd do, but then I realize that I don't even know what you'd do.

I used to know you so well, I used to know what you would have done, what you would have thought, but it's been so long, that I don't think I do anymore.

Something needs to change, something needs to break, because we can't keep going like this anymore. I know that it's not going to be the Heartless.

It's going to be us that breaks, and soon, there isn't going to be any of us left, anymore.

I'm tempted to just tell everyone to give up. Tell them it's hopeless, and that we're just prolonging the inevitable by waiting here for our deaths.

What's worse, is that it would be the complete truth.

It is hopeless.

I don't think that we can survive this, Riku.

And the worst part of that, is that I will have broken my promise to you.

Do you remember? I said I'd see you again.

I think that's the only thing keeping me from giving up.

I need you.

Love,

Sora

**********

**Interlude I**

: ** _I Will Be Here_**

_Is this... the Darkness?_

_I think that this must be what Darkness feels like, it must be. I feel... cold. So cold. Alone..._

_I'm so tired._

_I think... I'll sleep, for a while._

***

Sora dreams of falling.

***

Sora remembers what happened, and how everything fell to pieces, for the last - or perhaps the first - time.

_The Keyhole had been right there this entire time, we'd been practically sitting on it this whole time._

Sora thinks that he hates that even more than he hated the Heartless.

Kairi had been talking, softly, not wanting to wake up anyone else. She always did think about others before herself, always too caring, too kind, too eager to worry about others before she worried about herself. She'd been asking what they were going to do. She'd been asking what Sora thought they should do. (Always looking at _Sora_ for the answers, even when he didn't have them.)

Kairi had been crying, the tears running down her face, silently. (Kairi had been doing that a lot, lately.)

And then everything fell apart. And then everything went completely _wrong._

The Darkness had been there the whole time, waiting for the right moment to finally _pounce_ on them. They really had set themselves up for it, choosing to find refuge in the place where it had all come from. Unknowing that the Keyhole that could end it all was _right there_ with them, unknowing that they could have stopped it _before_. They could have locked off Destiny Islands before everyone died.

Too late, too late for anything to be done, anything to be changed, and Sora hated that more than anything.

The Darkness struck, in an all-consuming wave of black that was far more frightening than the Heartless could ever hope to be. It _ate_ everything in its path. Sora watched his friends, all the people that him and Kairi had tried to save, be swallowed whole by the Darkness. Sora watched as his friends died, one by one, and Sora heard them screaming as they died.

Sora had thought he'd known fear, before. ( _Before_ , always before, before things _changed_.)

He hadn't known, not really.

This was fear; icy cold, paralyzing. _This_ , knowing, and watching your own death approching, and not being able to do anything, not being able to even move, _that_ was fear.

Something in Sora snaps, and he realizes that he had been what was going to break, from the beginning, it was _him_. He can feel the cracks where he'd broken before - where Kairi had put him back together again - break all over again. (This time there won't be a Kairi to glue him back together, piece by piece.)

Sora smiles at the Darkness, and it's bitter, and sad, and so, so cold. "What took you so long? Why did you make us wait so long?" He doesn't scream, he's past that, past anger, and he just feels _cold_ , just feels _empty_.

The wave of black doesn't respond other than moving closer, faster, and like an invisible dam had broken, the Heartless lunge onto the island, hands cold, clinging, gripping at Sora like a vice as the Darkness moves even closer, so that even if he had wanted to run, he wouldn't have been able to.

He laughs, and even if he had wanted to summon the Keyblades to fight the Heartless off, he wouldn't have been able to, because the part of him that had been pure, and _Light_ , is almost gone, now.

But he doesn't want to. He's done fighting. (He's so _tired_.)

There is one, miniscule part of him left that is Light - deep inside, hiding far away from the surface - and that part is chanting, over and over; _Where are you, Riku? Where are you? Why aren't you here?_

And really, it was Riku that started this, Riku who made everything happen, and Riku, it was Riku, who left. Left Sora on the islands to wonder if he was dead, or alive, or if he had just gotten tired of Sora, and decided to leave. Always, always _Riku_.

Sora hasn't known what to do for a long time, and he still doesn't, but by now, it doesn't matter anymore. No one is waiting for him to make the decision about what to do, anymore, because they're _gone,_ and Sora doesn't have anything, or anyone, left to fight for.

Sora steps forward, toward the Darkness, and he's scared, so scared, but it doesn't change the fact that he doesn't _want_ this anymore, and now that everyone's gone, he doesn't even have anyone to keep going for, because Sora is finally starting to give up on the idea that Riku is still out there, waiting for him.

He lets the Darkness swallow him.

***

_Sora remembers what it felt like when his Heart shattered._

**********

**Interlude II : _Snow Globe_**

I thought... I might have heard your voice.

While I was sleeping, I thought I heard you speaking to me. You told me that everything would be okay. You told me that I could sleep, I could rest, for a while. You told me that it was safe.

But now... I can't find you. I can't find you, and I don't feel... safe.

I feel safe when you're around, but you're not, so I don't feel safe.

Did you lie to me again, Riku?

Maybe it was just a dream, and you weren't here. Maybe I'm still dreaming. If I am... I don't think I want to wake up.

This place, it's so _Dark_. It feels... sad. Like the rain.

I shouldn't be here, in the Darkness. I think that's what this is; The Darkness. Is this what it was like for you, Riku? So cold, so alone?

You never told me about your time in the Darkness, I remember that. You'd get this _look_ on your face whenever I asked, like you were remembering, and you didn't like what you remembered. After a while, I stopped asking, because I couldn't stand to see you so sad.

If this is what the Darkness was like for you, I think that I understand why you used to get that look on your face, like you just _hated_ everything, hated every _one_. I feel a little bit like that right now.

I don't _understand_. I don't understand why everyone, my friends, my family, why they were all killed by the Heartless. I don't understand why I couldn't save them.

I was supposed to be the Hero, and I couldn't save them. I'm supposed to be the person that the Keyblade chose, but it changed it's mind. I can't reach the Keyblades anymore, and maybe that's just because of this place, this Darkness, but it doesn't change the fact that they've abandoned me.

What happened to me, Riku? If I looked at my Heart now, I don't think that I'd recognize it, anymore. I changed, and I'm not so sure that it's a good thing.

A man named Cloud once told me not to loose sight of the Light, but I think that somewhere along the way, I did loose sight.

Or maybe you took it with you, when you disappeared. Maybe you are my Light, and I'm just now realizing how much I've changed without you here. I think... I lost my Light. I think that's why I'm here, and that's why I can't summon the Keyblades anymore.

I wish I could hate you. I wish that I could hate you for leaving, hate you for breaking all your promises, but I can't.

I heard you whispering to me, and I felt your hand on my hair. It wasn't a dream. I know that it wasn't. Are you here, in the Darkness with me? Are you somewhere here, hiding from me?

You said that it was safe here. You said that everything would be okay.

I think that you were lying to me.

**********

**Interlude III : _In The Dark_**

I'm not sure if it was real, or if it was a dream, but I thought I saw you last night. Day. Whatever this is. Time doesn't seem to have have any meaning at all here.

It felt _real_. You were here, in the Darkness, with me. You were talking to me, I'm not sure what about, but it was _you_ , and that was enough. I could feel your hand on my shoulder, and your hair, brushing my cheek. I remember feeling your lips on my forehead, and your arm around my shoulders.

But that's all I remember, because then you were just... gone. You weren't there anymore, and it left me wondering if you had even been there to begin with.

It's enough, that memory, because it was you.

_You_

.

I wanted to ask you where you'd been. I wanted to ask you a thousand questions, and at the same time, not ask anything, and just look at you, just memorize your face again.

I wanted to scream at you for not being there when you should have been. I wanted to yell at you for breaking your promises, but at the same time, I just wanted to grab you, and hug you, and _cry_ and never let go of you.

I'm confused, and conflicted, and I think that I'm more lost than I've ever been.

It was... _cruel_ , seeing you, and not knowing if you were a dream, or a memory, or a figment of my imagination. It was cruel, because it made me remember what I'd lost, and why I spent so much time waiting for you. Why I'm still waiting for you.

I've been walking here for a long time, but I haven't gone anywhere, everywhere looks the same, so Dark, and sad.

Everything here, it's so sad that it makes me want to cry.

I think the worst part is how _dead_ it feels, no life, no people. Like Destiny Islands must be now. I'm alone, and that scares me. I'm alone, and I've never really been completely alone before now.

It's terrifying.

Riku, I thought that I had seen you, today, or yesterday, I'm not sure when, but I saw you.

Where are you now?

**********

**One year, ten months ago**

January 29th, 2010

Dear Riku,

Kairi seems to think that I need to be more "normal" again. Her words, not mine. I guess her definition of normal involves dragging me along to Selphie's house so that they could gossip.

I noticed something today, that's really weird. You, your name, memories of you, it's almost like a taboo topic now. Selphie was talking about summer when we were little, how we'd stay on the beach all day, and only eat ice cream. I don't remember exactly what she was talking about, but she said your name, and all of a sudden, she looked so guilty, almost like she wanted to cry she felt so bad.

She reached over, put a hand on my shoulder, and she said that she was sorry.

Kairi took me home after that, since none of us could speak without it being awkward, she said that she felt tired, but I think that she only did it for me. She treating me like I'm glass, and I'm starting to hate it. I'm starting to hate having people ask me if I'm okay.

In a way, it would be better if people felt comfortable talking about you. Well, comfortable to say things about you that aren't rumors about why you disappeared. It would be better, because we could share memories of you, tell stories about you. I could talk about you, and not have people look at me like they pity me.

Sometimes it feels almost like people are starting to forget about you. Starting to forget that Kairi and me, we always had you with us, and now there's just the two of us.

I haven't forgotten about you. I never will.

I miss you.

Your friend,

Sora

**********

**Interlude IIII : _The Stars In Your Eyes_**

I saw you again today. Well, either I saw you or I dreamed about you. I remember you telling me something about this place, something important.

You said that this was the Realm of Darkness. It really a fitting name. You said that I needed to do... something. I needed to find... someone, before I'd be able to find my way out. I can't remember who, I can't remember what you told me that I needed to do.

Was it you that I needed to find? I think that you're my Light, but if we're both in the Darkness, then how can you be my Light when it's so Dark? There is no Light in the Darkness.

Nothing makes sense right now.

My... my memories of you have gotten hazier here, like the Darkness is trying to keep me from seeing them. To keep me from remembering my Light, to keep me from remembering you. Are you really here, Riku? Or am I just remembering you, or dreaming of you?

Maybe you've found a way to talk to me in my dreams.

It's a nice thought.

I must have trusted you when you told me that it was safe here, because I'm not scared. I'm sad, yes, this place makes me very sad, but it doesn't frighten me. Not since you told me it was safe. I hope that it wasn't a lie, I hope that you were telling the truth about it being safe here, otherwise I'll be completely unprepared if something bad happens. I won't even have the Keyblades to defend myself with.

Something _bad_. That feeling is gone now, and so is the one like someone was watching me. It's strange, it's such a relief to have it gone, like a weight of my shoulders, but at the same time, it just reminds me of how _alone_ I am here.

Alone except for when you're here, whether you're truly here, or it's just in my dreams, I'm not alone anymore when you're here talking to me quietly, like you used to when we'd sit in your paopu tree.

If I close my eyes, I can almost pretend that none of it ever happened, that we never left, that you never disappeared, that the Darkness didn't swallow Destiny Islands.

It's a nice thought.

**********

**Interlude V : _Belle of the Boulevard_**

**Two years, three months ago -**

November 10th, 2009

I wish that I could be there, to kiss away the tears that you're crying for me. I wish that I could be there to make you happy again.

I got your letters. I'm glad that you realized why I'd left you that address, I'm glad that you never came looking for me, because it would kill me to have you see me like this, when I'm at my weakest, my lowest, my Darkest.

You're pouring so much of your Light into these letters, that it keeps me from going crazy when I have to go back to the Realm of Darkness. It keeps me from completely falling, from loosing what little Light that I have left.

You've put so much of your faith in me, and I don't deserve it after all I've done. You've done so much for me, you've given me so much, and I don't deserve any of it.

You gave me your Heart.

And then I gave you what was left of mine after going through the Darkness.

I made you promises, I always made you promises that I never knew if I'd be able to keep. I didn't keep them, I never do. I never follow through when I make you promises, they're only empty words.

Now, smile for me, baby, that frown isn't a good look for you.

You can light up whole worlds with just your eyes when you're smiling.

It used to be enough to pull me back from the brink of falling.

You're not going to smile tonight, though. Tonight, you're going to cry yourself to sleep like you've done so many times. And when you're asleep, I'll sneak in through your window like I did when we were children, and I'll pull the blankets up around you, and I'll kiss your forehead, your lips, softly, so that you don't wake up. I'll run my hands through your hair, and my fingertips over your face, gently, memorizing you.

I'll keep your Heart safe for you, I promise.

I love you, Sora.

Don't you ever doubt it.

**********

**Interlude VI : _Chasing The Sun_**

You told me that you loved me, the last time I saw you.

You told me something important, something that I _needed_ to remember. You told me that I needed to remember it, that it was the way to escape here. I can't, though. I can't remember what you told me, who you told me about. I can barely remember you being here at all. I can barely remember _you_ at all.

When you're here, this place seems to change. It becomes Lighter, just a bit, but it's enough that you manage to change this place at all. It's like... never-ending night. Except there aren't any stars, there isn't a moon. There is just... Darkness. As far as you can see, and even further still.

You told me to think Light thoughts to keep from falling. I don't understand what you meant. How could I fall further than this, than the Darkness? I... I don't know what a Light thought is. I can barely imagine Light, anymore, so how could I even think Light thoughts? I guess... I guess _you're_ Light. My memory of how you were is Lighter than I am right now.

I think that the worst part about this place, is how the only thing I can do is think about how many people died because I couldn't save them. I think of you. How I had so many chances to go looking for you, how I never took any of them. I think about my parents, my friends, Kairi. All of them. _I_ killed them, I couldn't save them. I wasn't strong enough, I wasn't _enough_. And then I'll wonder if any of them are here in the Darkness with me.

I'll wonder if any of them will show up in my dreams, and blame me for letting them die.

_Light_

_thoughts_ , you told me to think Light thoughts. I can't. I tried, but there's too many _Dark_ thoughts to think of to even try to think of Light.

I have one thought that's Light, and I'll keep it close.

Here, in the Darkness, you told me that you loved me.

But I can't remember if I even said it back.  



	8. Part Eight

**Interlude VII : Get Me Right**

**Two years, six months ago**

\- September 14th, 2009

I don't even know when it started to happen. I don't even _how_ it did.

Things... were going so well. Things... were finally starting to work out again. That everything was starting to work out was a surprise, but when they started to not go downhill, it was even more of a surprise. It shouldn't have been.

I guess I set myself up for that. Set myself up for disappointment. I always did, I always _do_.

I guess that the Darkness had left more of an impression than I thought, more than anyone thought. It was slow. So slow that I didn't even realize that it was happening until it was too late. It really is too late, now.

Everything is guesswork, I don't _know_ anything, all I can do is make assumptions and hypothesis'.

It happened so slow that I didn't notice, that you didn't notice. No one did. But at the same time it seemed to happen so fast.

It seems like one day, you and me, we were kissing in the paopu tree, and then, something in me _broke_. And... and then I wasn't really Riku anymore, I was _Darker_ , I was so much _less_ than I was.

We were _home_. Things were so _good_ , at least as good as it could get after everything that happened. Well, compared to everything that happened, it was good, it was... there aren't even words for it. It was _you_ , and your Light, all around me. You're so bright, you're like a star, and you light up everything around you.

You've lost a little bit of your brightness, a little bit of your Light, and that's all my fault.

I didn't mean to make you cry, but you did, you are. I didn't mean to make you sad, but you are so sad. Oh god, Sora, I'm so sorry. I can't even tell you that, and that's the worst part of it all.

It's cold here. In the Darkness. It wasn't this cold last time.

I... I miss you. So much.

It's very cold here.

**********

**Interlude VIII : _Hit The Lights_**

You kissed me, when I saw you last.

It was shockingly, horribly nostalgic. You're the _same_ , it's like you haven't changed at all. Just like I wanted, except that everything else did change, even thought you didn't.

I remember today, or yesterday, with breathtaking clarity. You... it was like you were _shining_ , here, in the Darkness. You were like a- a sun, and after so long here, in all-the-time blackness, it almost hurt to look at you.

Your hair, so silver, and it hasn't changed. It's still soft, and it _gleams_ here, like it's glowing, almost. Your eyes, they do glow. You're so beautiful, and I can't believe how dull my memories of you are when compared to the real thing. The real you. It's like I was forgetting you. That scares me, a little.

Your eyes, still so bright like jewels, they still say everything you're thinking, and you were sad, when you were here. You looked at me, and you asked me why I spent so long waiting.

I... I didn't have an answer in words for you, so I started to cry. I didn't want to, and I felt like such a child when you reached out, and you cupped my face in your hands, and you brushed away my tears with your thumbs. You told me not to cry. It was something that was so _you_ that it just made me want to cry even more.

I think that I tackled you, a little, because you stumbled, and I was hugging you so tight I'm not sure how you could still breathe.

I never wanted to let go.

I kissed you, then. And you're the same, your taste, the way you feel, how your hair feels brushing against my skin, and your voice, whispering to me that everything would be okay.

I could feel your lips smiling, and it made me smile. I started half-laughing-half-sobbing, and you just chuckled the way that you always did. Then you told me to calm down. You were so calm, and casual, acting like you hadn't gone anywhere and I was just being crazy.

You're so _you_.

And then you kissed me.

Oh god, Riku. I didn't answer you then, but this, _you_ , that's why I waited so long for you.

Because you're you, and I'm me, and we just _fit_.

You asked me why I waited for you. I didn't have an answer in words then, but I do now.

_I love you._

I love you so much, and that's why I waited for you. I'd have waited a hundred years longer, if it would have meant that I'd see you again.

Because you're you.

**********

**Interlude IX : _Candle (Sick and Tired)_**

**Two years, six months ago**

\- September 25th, 2009

There is a door, here in the Darkness. It looks like the one that we used to get back to Destiny Islands, the door to the Light. I can leave here through it. I don't know how. I can come back to Destiny Islands, and see you, watch you.

It's the only reason to leave here.

Sometimes, if I'm away for too long, I'll start to feel like I might _snap_ , like I might kill the first person I see next. I think that it's the Darkness in me, starting to overpower my... my everything.

It's more powerful than I remember. The Darkness didn't used to be so strong, it didn't used to be so choking and... _immense_.

It's this power, and it's _always there._ It's too _much_. I'm keeping it from taking over me, but I don't know how long it'll last. I'm not that strong. I can't hold it back forever, and I can't do anything about that.

You're sad without me. I can tell. I don't want you to be sad.

Kairi is there for you, I wish that you'd realize that you're not alone, and that you have a friend, and that I wasn't the only person for you to talk to. You're so angry that I'm gone. You're like I used to be. When we first came home, after a while, I wasn't angry, and I felt... happy again. Because you made me happy. You always did.

I'm not angry now, even though you're not here. I'm just tired. Tired of the Darkness, tired of fighting it off, tired of not having you here.

When I see you, when I watch you, it _hurts_ me. It makes me wonder how long it'll be until you can be happy again, until you can smile and have it be sincere. I loved your smiles so much, because they were so open, and happy. They weren't forced, or fake like most peoples'.

I can't bring myself to smile right now, not with the Darkness there, just waiting for me to let my guard down and take over.

I'm so tired.

**********

**Interlude X : _City On The Edge Of Forever_**

I can never remember everything you tell me, I can never remember how to get out.

You'll be almost frantic when you tell me. You'll say that it's important, and you'll ask me if I can remember. I always say yes, I always say that I'll remember, that I won't forget.

But then I do. I forget.

I've forgotten what you told me, about what I needed to do to get out of here, about who I needed to find.

I needed to find someone, I remember that much. I know that it wasn't you, because I already _found_ you.

I need to remember what you told me, because it was important. It was how I could get out of the Darkness.

If I didn't have you here, I don't know how long I would have lasted. How long I would have been able to survive here and stay even a little bit Sora, stay even a little bit me. When I saw you last, you were so worried. I kept asking you why, and you'd answer. I can't remember what you said.

I can hardly remember any of the last time I saw you. It's... blurry. Like an old memory, faded, like an old picture you've handled and folded and looked at too many times for the image to still be clear. It's strange. I can barely remember your voice, or your smile.

The Darkness is taking you away from me, Riku. How long do I have until it takes all of my memories of you, of Kairi and my friends, and _Light_?

What will I do then? What will I do when I can't remember anything Light, when I have no more Light thoughts?

You told me to think Light thoughts to keep from falling. When you said that, I asked how I could get more fallen than this. You didn't answer. You just gave me this sad look, and you smiled at me in a way that didn't reach your eyes at all. There is a place thats Darker than this, isn't there? I know there is.

I think I'm falling there.

**********

**Interlude XI : _You Belong Here_**

When you showed up here, you wouldn't believe how much it scared me. I didn't think that everything would go downhill so quickly. It wasn't supposed to get so bad so fast.

In a way it was a good thing, because I'm not alone here anymore.

Well, good for me. Not you.

I've been here for so long that I've lost track of how long. In the beginning, it was okay. I could still leave, through the door to the Light. But then the door closed, and I was stuck here, and I couldn't leave anymore. I couldn't go see you, anymore.

You're not supposed to be here. You're _Light_ , you are the embodiment of Light, and this is the Darkness, you can't _be here_. This isn't anywhere for someone like you to be, this isn't _safe_ for you.

The Darkness will eat you alive. It will worm it's way into the cracks in your soul, in your Heart, and _break_ you, from the inside out.

It will _eat_ every last bit of _you_ that _is_ you.

But maybe you're already broken. Maybe that's why you're here.

Oh god, Sora. That scares me so much, the chance that you might have broken as much as I have.

You were always something bright, something good. You're so special, you're one in a billion, because you care so much, you love so much, and your Heart is big enough for all the people in _all_ the worlds. But now you're here, in the Darkness, with me.

The Darkness is no place for someone with Light in their Heart.

I don't think that I have any Light left in my Heart. You gave me your Heart, and I've kept it safe, as safe as I could, here, just like I promised. The only promise that I've ever managed to keep for you. But now, I can't feel any of the Light that I used to be able to feel from it. It used to be warm, it used to keep me warm, but now it's cold, and it's making me even colder than I already am.

You're here.

How are you here? Why are you here? What happened, outside, what happened in the real world to make you come here?

You _here_ , and that scares me.

Your Heart is cold, and Dark.

Did your soul shatter like mine did?

It's all my fault.

I'm so sorry, Sora.

I'm so sorry.

**********

**Interlude XII : _Closer (Time Stops Breathing)_**

I wonder why you leave, sometimes. You'll be here, you'll be talking to me, and hugging me, and then you just... _won't_ be here anymore.

You'll be kissing me, and then you just won't be. You'll be gone, and I won't know where you went, or why you even had to leave.

Sometimes, when you've been gone for a while, I wonder if you were ever really here at all. Sometimes I think that I just imagined you, that I need you so desperately that I hallucinate that you're here.

Usually when I think that, you show up shortly after that. And then I'll forget that I was ever worried about it, and the only thing I'll be thinking of is _you_. You, and the way you smell, the way you taste, and how warm your skin is against mine. I'll forget that I was ever forgetting you, and I can even almost forget about the Darkness.

You push away the Darkness until it almost feels _Light_ again. And you make me feel... _whole_. I don't know why, or how, but without you here I don't feel whole, I feel almost _empty_. Like you take a part of me with you when you leave.

Who knows. Maybe you do.

When you leave here, when you leave me alone in the Darkness, the moment you leave, I can practically feel myself starting to forget you. I can almost feel my memories of the things you tell me start to fade away. I know they are, because I can feel the... _emptiness_ that's left behind when the memories are gone.

Sometimes I think that I can feel the Darkness working it's way into my memories of Light, of good things, and _pulling_ them out of my mind. I can almost feel the cold, prying fingers of Darkness in my head.

It's more frightening than the Heartless were, more frightening than having everyone I knew disappear.

I don't know how to stop it. I don't know if I _can_ stop it, because it's so much stronger than I am now, than I ever was.

You push away the Darkness. You keep it away.

But you're not here all the time, and when you're not, the Darkness just gets stronger, it keeps pulling every last bit of Light out of me.

Riku, I'm scared.

**********

**Interlude XIII : _Romance In A Slow Dance_**

**Two years, six months ago -**

September 5th, 2009

One day I woke up here.

I thought it was a dream, maybe, or a nightmare. But then I didn't wake up at home, in my own bed. I didn't wake up at all.

Once I realized that I wasn't dreaming, it scared me half to death. That I was in the Darkness again. That I wasn't sleeping, at home on Destiny Islands. That you weren't here.

I used to dream about the Darkness. I'd have awful nightmares that I'd wake up screaming from. I'd wake up with my throat sore from yelling, drenched in a cold sweat, and completely and utterly terrified, even though I could never remember exactly what I'd dreamed about.

Sometimes, I'd dream that I was trapped in the Darkness, that you were dead. I'd dream of bad things, _Dark_ things, of worlds where nothing was good, nothing was Light, and everything was Dark, and I was the only thing alive.

The Darkness, the real thing, it's so much worse than my dreams ever were.

Once I realized that it wasn't a dream, that I was really in the Darkness, my first thought was of you. In the cold of the Darkness, your Heart was warm, and Light. It was everything good in the worlds squeezed into something small that I had. It kept me warm here. I don't know what would have happened to me without it.

The door to the Light, it would appear here, if I pulled on that Light, and I thought of you, if I thought Light thoughts. I could leave here.

I could go see _you_.

I watched you, for a while. I never let you see me. I never wanted you to see me. My Heart must be black by now, cold, and so Dark.

I almost wish that you didn't have it anymore, it can't be helping you stay Light, and happy.

Hearts are strange things. I guess... that when you love someone enough, a part of your Heart leaves your body, and goes into their's. I guess that's how I have a piece of your Heart in me. You gave it to me, you might not have realized that you did, but you did, and it's keeping me warm here in the Darkness.

I gave you a part of my Heart. I know that it's not keeping you warm, though.

I can't watch you all the time, even though I wish I could. I wish that I could watch you, and keep you safe. I want you to be safe, I want you to be happy.

Be safe, Sora. Be happy.

For me.

**********

**Interlude XIV : _World So Cold_**

_What do you want from me?_

I remember saying that, when your eyes started to look so sad for me. When you told me, when you _pleaded_ with me to remember.

You sounded so desperate, so scared, and your fingers on my shoulders were holding me almost painfully tight. It was like you were scared that if you let go, if you loosened your grips, you'd loose me.

And who knows. Maybe you would have.

But you did let go, I can't remember when, but you did, your hands weren't there anymore and where they had been was cold.

_Remember._

_Remember_

.

That's what you whispered to me, in my ear, the words so soft they were almost swept away in the nonexistant-wind. The air is still here, so still it seems to pull all sound into it. Everything here, it's like a blackhole. Dragging in all Light, never letting it leave.

Or maybe I'm the blackhole, and the Light is my memories, and they're stuck, never to be remembered again.

That scares me.

So still, so empty. When you're not here, I'm the only thing alive here. And sometimes, I'm not even sure if I'm alive. Sometimes I can't remember if I'm even breathing, I can't remember if I even _need_ to, here.

It's very Dark, and very cold, and I'm not sure how much longer I can last without going crazy.

Maybe I'm already crazy.

I'm so _tired_.

_What do you want from me?_

I asked you as you stared at me with starving eyes, hungry for something I couldn't give you, because I didn't even know _what_ you wanted, what you _needed_.

_Remember. Remember._

You repeated until that word until it was almost like a chant, almost like a prayer, to a God, and I was the deity you were pleading to.

Remember what, Riku?

I can't remember.

**********

**Interlude XV : Everybody Learns From Disaster**

**Two years, six months ago**

\- September 23rd, 2009

She tilts hers head to the side and blink-blink-blinks the tears away because she needs to be strong, for him, because he's broken, and he's weak, even though he was always the strong one, the one who she wanted to be more like. (She was always the one who wasn't strong enough to fight, the one who waited at home for the _Hero_.)

She'll help him, she'll love him, even though she's jealous of him, and always has been, always will be, and will never tell.

She smiles, even though just once, she wants to be the one who breaks down and cries, she wants to be the one who gets to not be strong all the time.

Such a backward situation, the Prince, the Hero being the one to break and the Princess being the one to put him back together, the Princess being the strong one. (Even though she knows that she'll never really be his Princess.)

She knows that when people look at her, they see a pretty face.

She knows that's all they ever see.

And she's seen what they've tried hard to keep hidden, tried hard to keep _close_. She sees it in the way that when Sora touches him, it lingers in a way that it never does on her.

She imagines that she can almost feel something small breaking inside her when she notices it.

(Sometimes she wonders if she really does feel it.)

She sees it in the way that Sora smiles _just like that_ at Riku, and the way that Riku smiles back.

Riku rarely smiles.

(And Riku never smiles at her.)

Sora smiles all the time, at her, at anyone, but never quite like that, never so open, and bright, letting just a tiny touch of something bitter, and Dark hidden deep underneath show though. (She sometimes wonders if his smiles are sincere, or if they're fake, like her's.)

In some part, she's always known, always know that Sora, happy-boy with the smiles and the Keyblade and the _Riku_ , would be the one who broke.

But then Riku broke first, in the Darkness, alone, giving in, that was when he broke, and Sora had to be strong for a little while longer. He had to let the fake-smiles and sunny words hold together the cracks in his Heart.

And what broke Sora was loosing Riku.

(And now they're both broken and two broken people can't put themselves back together without breaking even more, which is why Kairi always needs to be strong, always there, even when they forget she is.)

_"It'll be okay."_

She says, even though she doesn't quite believe it herself. And she wraps her arms around Sora and takes a deep, steadying breath. She repeats the words, not just for Sora's benefit, but for her own.

She's prepared to put Sora back together as many times as it takes to make him realize that she will always, always be there, even when Riku's not. (She's prepared to do the same for Riku, but he's not here for her to tell him.)

(But Kairi sometimes wonders if she's broken, and if she is, wonders how long it's been since she didn't feel so empty inside, and _is this what the Darkness in your Heart feels like?)_

(There's not going to be anyone to put pretty little Kairi back together when the cracks in her Heart, in her _Soul_ , finally shatter into a million pieces, and she's not really sure if anyone can even be put back together once they've broken so utterly and completely.)

She forces a smile, rests her cheek against Sora's head as he cries the loss of someone he's not sure he can live without.

She speaks then, and feels just a little more of herself break inside.

_"It'll be okay."_

(But Kairi knows it won't be.)

**********

**Interlude XVI : _Promises_**

You wouldn't, _couldn't_ meet my eyes, you turned your head away, you wouldn't look at me.

And then my lips were moving before I even knew they were, and I could hear myself saying, in a voice not at all mine; _Were you telling the truth?_

You didn't move, you eyes stayed locked on some point past me, on anything that wasn't me, because you wouldn't _look_ at me.

Then I was screaming at you, asking if you had lied to me again.

You did, didn't you? You lied to me.

You took hold of my shoulders, and you pulled me close, so close, and you whispered in my ear, breath cool against my skin, your lips hot as they brushed my hair, my face. You murmured pleas, apologies, an unending chant of _Sora, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Sora._

Your words made my blood run even colder than it already was, as your words confirmed what I already knew.

I spoke up then, and I said what had been boiling under the surface ever since you first disappeared, years ago. And I said, "You're sorry? Does that make it any better?"

And you were so bitter when you replied, "No. It doesn't."

I wanted to cry, and I wanted to hit you. I wanted to leave here, leave the Darkness, and never leave at all, just stay here with you, because you lied to me, and you _left_ , but I love you so much that none of that matters at all when you're right here in front of me.

I didn't move, I let you hold me, because I think that we both knew that it was the only thing holding me together. That you were the only thing holding me together.

You kissed the top of my head, and I think I said you name; _Riku..._

You spoke then, your voice a little breathless, a little shaky, and you asked me if I wanted my Heart back.

I licked my lips then, and mulled the question over in my mind. And I said, "No. Keep it safe for me."

And so you laughed, it was more than a little unhinged, more than a little unsteady. And you said, "Okay, I will."

I wondered if it was a promise, another one for you to break, but I didn't want to ask you, for once I didn't want to speak, because words weren't enough to explain how I felt. I did, though, because there was something I needed to say.

"Don't lie to me, Riku."  



	9. Part Nine

**Interlude XVII : _Pont Du Carrousel_**

**One year ago -**

March 21st, 2011

I've been here for a long time.

I think that by now, I've completely lost sight of the Light. The door to the Light closed, and I couldn't see you anymore. You're my Light, Sora, and without you I have none. I have your Heart, but even that I can barely feel now. It still keeps me warm, but it doesn't stop me from thinking about things that are definitely _not_ Light.

I've been having some Dark thoughts lately.

After the door to the Light closed, the Darkness seemed worse than before, because that was all there ever was for me, the Darkness, the cold.

After a while, I lost track of how long I'd been in the Darkness, because after a while, time lost all meaning at all. I didn't know how much time passed, whether it was days, or months, or even years.

In a way, death would be so much easier than this, since death is just the end of everything, end of Darkness, end of cold. End of being alone.

Death would be a relief, and if I had the choice... I think, I think that I'd choose death over this never ending Darkness.

But death isn't a choice here, and that's the worst thing about this place, the thought, the possibility that you could suffer here for eternity, and not age, not die, just remain in sort of limbo state forever. Never changing. Never ending.

Maybe I'm already dead. Maybe coming here, to the Darkness, maybe it killed me.

And maybe this is Hell, maybe after all I did, this is my Hell.

I used to dream about the Darkness. I had dreams, nightmares, about all of our time off the islands, but the dreams that I had about the Darkness were always the worst. They were terribly real, it was like I was really here.

Darkness, the _worst_ kind, the most dangerous kind, the type that isn't in your Heart, but is a seperate, manipulating entity, it leaves a _scar_ on your Soul when you're exposed to it. Darkness comes in different forms, I guess. This is the worst kind, because it influences your mind, makes the Darkness in your Heart _grow_ , and grow until it takes over completely, until you're not really _you_ anymore, but something that's so much _less_. Or, more, depending on your perspective.

And even when you leave it, when it releases it's hold on you, it's never _really_ gone, I know that much.

I can feel it even now. I can feel it inside my Soul, and inside my head, subtly changing things until I can hardly remember Light unless I remember you.

I can always remember you. Maybe my memories of you are just that strong, or maybe you burn so brightly that even the worst type of Darkness can't take them away.

I... don't want to be here.

I don't want Darkness in my Heart, I don't want Darkness in my Soul.

But it's already there, and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to leave here, and I don't know how to overpower the Darkness when it's so much _stronger_ than I am.

I need you Sora. I need you to help me.

I don't want to be here any longer.

**********

**Interlude XVIII : _Solitude_**

I spend most of my time here walking, and everything looks the same: Dark.

Sometimes I dream. I'll dream about sunlight, and happiness. That's all I can ever remember about the dreams. They make me feel warm.

It's very cold here.

I sometimes wonder if any or this for real... or not. I wonder if this is an actual place, or if this, all of this is in my own mind. That maybe... the Realm of Darkness isn't really place. That this is all in my mind.

Like, am I really here... or not?

I remember, Riku, I remember that he once told me... something. Something important. I think that was a very long time ago. Or was it? I... don't know...

Riku. When was the last time you visited me? I think... it's been a while since I last saw you.

I think that you may have cried.

You never cry.

And I think I was the one to have made you cry.

Everything is... almost dreamy right now, nothing has sharp edges, not even the scragly trees. I'm seeing things kind'a... fuzzy right now. All blurry.

Something's wrong with me.

I can't think, I can't remember what...

I'm tired. I'm so tired.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know where to go...

If you're here, Riku... please, help me.

I need you now.

**********

**Interlude XIX : _Tombs of the Hetaerae_**

I think you're broken.

But I don't know how to fix you. We're the same, broken. And since I haven't been able to put my own Heart back together, I'm not sure how I'll be able to fix yours.

I think that yours is worse than mine. You're so lost. I was never that lost here, I stayed myself. You haven't, you changed.

It was such a reality check for me. I guess... I guess that I thought you wouldn't have changed during the time that I was... here. That you would be the same Sora, and I would be the same Riku that we were back on the islands together, sitting in the paopu tree.

I don't know who you are anymore.

I don't know who I am anymore.

When did we change so much? When did that happen?

We changed, but at the same time, nothing did. You feel the same, and your eyes are that same blue they always have been.

But when you told me not to lie to you, it was like a thorn in my side. Because I knew that was another promise I wouldn't be able to keep.

I don't want to lie to you. I don't want to break my promises, but it always happens. And you always forgive me.

I don't know why you do that. I know that I wouldn't forgive myself. I know that I haven't.

You need to get out of here; this is no place for you. I can see it happening already, the Darkness growing stronger in you. It will destroy you. It will destroy you even more than it did me, because you were Light. I never was. Your memories are already getting fuzzy, I know that. I'm trying, trying to help you but it's no use, the Darkness is so much stronger than both of us. We'd never stand a change. It's useless trying to fight.

The Darkness will _warp_ you, and I don't want to see that, because when you've lost all you're Light, and you're twisted into something unrecognizable, I don't know if I'll be able to look at you without hate in my eyes.

Hate for the Darkness. Hate for what you're going to become, for what you _are_ becoming.

Soon you'll forget who you are, Sora.

Soon you'll forget about me.

**********

**Interlude XX : _Pray Tell_**

I dream of drowning. Because that's what this type of Darkness is. Drowning.

I'm drowning in the Darkness.

I can't tell up from down anymore, or left or right.

The last time that you were here, or at least I thought that you were here, strange things started to happen. When I heard your voice, it was like you were talking to me while I was underwater. Muffled, blurry.

Everything is blurry now. Soft, soft with no sharp edges. It's nice.

I think... I can remember... something. Something about water. Aqua? Find... someone. Remember. Need help. It's so Dark and it's so cold, and I'm so... _lost_. I'm scared, Riku. I need you right now, where are you?

Remember. Remember. I'm trying, Riku, but I don't know what to do anymore and I know that something _bad_ happened but I can't remember what...

Something's wrong with me and I don't know to fix it, please Riku, help me, please. I think... I think that I'm starting to fade away. I think that I'm dying.

I am... dying. In the Darkness. What a way to die.

Why are you never here when I need you to be, Riku? Oh god, Riku where are you? Please help me, I'm dying, I'm lost and I don't know what to do, and _you're not here._

I need you to be here, but you're not.

You said you'd be there when I needed you.

You broke another one of your promises to me.

You lied to me.

**********

**Interlude XXI : _When Did We Loose Ourselves_**

One day you're going to forget who you are.

You need to leave, you need to leave here so that doesn't happen. You can't loose yourself, Sora, it's the only thing you have left. You lost your friends. You lost your family.

You lost me.

I never wanted to leave you. I never got to tell you this, but I _never_ wanted to leave you behind, but it was for the better, even if you can't see it that way. Even if it doesn't seem that way.

The Darkness... it's a part of me now, it's in my blood, my skin, it's in everything I am. It's so much a part of me, that I'm not sure what I'd be without it. Maybe I wouldn't be anything.

When I woke up here in the Darkness, I thought that it would be okay. I was... _naive_. I foolishly thought that things would be the same, that I could live normally during the day, and when night came, when I was to tired to keep even my tremulous control on the Darkness, I'd come back.

I was stupid, I was blinded by the fact that everything was going well, and everyone was happy, and we were home. We were _safe_.

The Darkness should have taught me that you're never really safe. The people I met, the people I fought, everything that happened when we were away, it should have taught me to never let your guard down. Be wary, don't trust blindly. But it was too late. I always realize things too late. I never learn my lesson soon enough.

But then something happened, and it was almost like the Darkness had grown infinitely more powerful. Something happened, and I couldn't stay away from Darkness as much as I had been able to.

The Darkness wanted me to kill, to _destroy_. The Darkness had wanted to use me as a weapon, because that's all it knows; destruction and death.

Light nurishes. Darkness ruins.

The difference between the two had never been more clear to me as it was then, in the moment that I realized that it wasn't safe for me to see you anymore, that I could, that Ihurt you, whether I would be under control of the Darkness, or it would have been a twisted version of myself, I could have killed you.

Did you notice me acting odd in during the last few days you saw me?

I made my plans. I bought a post office box, and put a letter to you inside. You never got it. I think I'm glad you never did. I'm glad you never knew that I lost myself to the Darkness, that you never knew I was weak.

I gave you the address. And then I left you.

I'm so sorry, Sora.

I chose to go to the Darkness, and it wasn't like the other times, when I'd wake up there, or suddenly be there, I made the choice and I _left_.

But I couldn't stay away from you, I never could, because you are my whole world, you are everything. It was dangerous, I could have destroyed you at any time.

When I left the Darkness, after I made my choice, it was for short periods of time, any longer and I would have lost control. I'd watch you. I'd check that mailbox, to see if you finally come to get my letter, but you never did. You sent them instead.

I'd take those back to the Darkness with me, horde them because they were Light, and nothing there was Light.

But then, the Light started to dim.

Your Heart was no longer as warm, and it was... faded.

The door to the Light closed for good.

And then I was stuck here.

**********

**Interlude XXII : _Running From Lions_**

Sometimes, Kairi wonders what would have happened if she had told them she knew.

Sometimes, Kairi wonders why she was always the one that they left behind.

Sometimes, Kairi wonders what would have happened if she _hadn't_ been left behind.

Because that's what she is, pretty little Kairi with the perfectly fake smiles, the sweet words ready to help, ernest, always. But always, always left behind, left behind to be forgotten.

When they first returned to the islands, when she first saw it, it was a spear in her side and it hurt when she realized the there was no longer three, but now two and one left behind.

Kairi left behind.

And she remembers Namine, who was unwanted, unnoticed, like her. (Kairi sometimes thinks that she and her Nobody have more in common than anyone would think at first glance.)

Sometimes Kairi thinks that it would have been better if she had never washed up on the shores of Destiny Islands.

Then the Darkness happened, and she watched everyone disappear. She watched as Sora's Light faded away until there was none left at all.

_Because you're Light,_

they said when she woke up in Traverse Town. _Because your Heart was strong enough._

That's why you didn't get pulled into the Darkness.

But Kairi know's that they're wrong, even as she nods along, she can feel it inside of her, coiling like a snake, powerful, _Dark_. She can feel it preparing to lash out as they say _Sora, Sora, where is Sora?_

She hates that that is all they ever ask her, because Sora is important and irreplaceable and necessary while she is weak and useless and disposable.

Sometimes Kairi wonders which she hates more; that they forgot about her, or that she is so easily forgettable, so easy to push into a corner, quick to fade away when no one's watching, just like Namine. Just like her Nobody who she feels more and more kinship for everyday, someone just like her but at the same time not at _all_ , because Namine was completely and utterly pure, while Kairi knows that she isn't despite the title of Princess of Heart. (Because she knows that Namine was irreplaceable in her own way while Kairi is not.)

She wants to cry as the days pass and Sora is still missing, still gone, she wants to cry because she is _alone_ even when she's not.

But she'll wait. She'll wait as long as it takes, just like Sora waited for Riku, because that is the right thing to do when you love someone so much it hurts when they're not there.

(And Kairi thinks that she hates that too.)

**********

**Interlude XXIII : _Happy Ending_**

I wonder why I wasn't strong enough.

You know, everyone told me that I was the Hero, that I was the one who would save the worlds. Do you remember? Even you told me that.

I don't think that I am anymore. I don't think that I'm strong enough.

I'm starting to wonder... Are you even my Light? I've found you, but it's not helping. If anything, I just feel Darker inside. I don't feel... Lighter. I don't feel any closer to finding my way out of here.

I want out of here. For a while, I wanted to stay, so that I could be with you. But I don't feel that way anymore, Riku. I need out of here, I can't stay here anymore or I'll go insane. You understand that, don't you? You understand how I feel.

How did you survive here for so long? How did you manage to stay you for all those years when I'm struggling to stay me after just a short amount of time? Maybe... Maybe you really are stronger than me, like I said when we first came home, sitting in your paopu tree. When you were just so angry at yourself. I told you that you were strong to have overcome the Darkness inside of you, I told you that you were stronger than me.

I want to go home, Riku. I want to go back to Destiny Islands, with you and Kairi, I don't want to _be_ here anymore.

I don't know if you're my Light anymore, but if you are, maybe I've fallen so far into the Darkness that I can't see it anymore. Or maybe you aren't my Light anymore, and I really _am_ alone in the Darkness.

You keep trying to tell me something, but I don't know what. I don't know what to do, Riku.

I don't want to be here.

Riku, I want to go home.

**********

**Interlude XXIV : _Something_**

I've got to stop lying to you, but I just can't help it. It just... _happens_ , I guess. It's not like I try to, it's not like I want to lie to you, I want to keep all my promises, but it never works out that way for us.

Sora, you _need_ to find her. She's the one who can help you get out of here. I can't. I'm not strong enough, I'm not Light enough to help you leave here.

I've seen... _others_ here, from time to time. It's rare, you can walk for eternity and never go anywhere, but sometimes... you'll stumble on someone else here. They'll be exactly the same as you. Lost. Alone. Cold. But the Darkness never lets you talk to, or even be near another person for very long. It will... _pull_ you apart. I don't know how, but you'll just _blink_ , and you'll be somewhere else that looks exactly the same but not, because all of a sudden you'll be alone again.

And then you'll start walking again, searching again, and you'll never go anywhere, _again_.

Nothing ever changes. Nothing ever looks different. You can walk forever and nothing will change, you can go anywhere and at the same time, never go anywhere at all.

I wonder how many people are here with us, that we just don't see because the Darkness won't let us. I wonder how many people have fallen here before.

I wonder how many people, if any, have ever escaped from here.

I wonder if it's even possible to, once you've reached the point where Light is completely... _gone_.

You need to get out of here before that happens. I know that I might be past the point of rescuing, but I know you're not. I'll do whatever it takes to get you out, because I don't think I'd be able to live with myself if you were stuck here forever, in the Darkness with me. I know that I wouldn't be able to, knowing that I failed you again.

I'd promise that I'd get you out if it meant anything, which by now it doesn't at all. Not after breaking so many of my promises to you. I broke them all, didn't I?

You never broke any. You never lied, and that's one of your best qualities, your pure honesty.

I'm not honest.

I lie, I lied to you all the time, and I still do.

You're a better person than me. You don't deserve to be here.

But I do.

**********

**Interlude XXV : _Situations_**

Something has... shifted.

I can see... _shadows_. Out of the corners of my eyes, squirming, shifting, just barely visible in the blackness, since they're just one shade Darker than Dark, and I'm not sure how that's possible but it is, and they're Darker than anything else here, more dangerous, and somehow, I can _feel_ that they're strong.

I feel like they're watching me whenever I'm not watching them, their eyes on my back, an intense black gaze that's worse than when the Heartless would look at me before I killed them because this is just _empty_.

Dead.

The Heartless... at least their eyes, there would be a spark of emotion just before they died, a spark of something that was almost _fear_.

Something's going to happen.

I've got that _bad_ feeling I had just before Destiny Islands was over run by the Heartless, before everyone died.

_Trust your instincts_

, you told me.

I do trust them, because I trust you, and I listen to you, but Riku, how much worse can things get than this? How much farther can people fall from here?

What's worse than the Darkness?

Riku, I don't think that I even want to know if there is a place that's more bleak, more _hopeless_ than this, because this place is hopeless and bleak enough without having to worry about keeping myself from falling even further than this.

Something has shifted here, something changed and the Darkness seems so much _stronger_ than it did before. There are shadows moving that I can see, and I don't know what they're capable of and I don't _want_ to know.

Are they what takes people down to a level Darker than this? Are they here for me?

I need to find someone, you told me. Find... Aqua.

Who is Aqua?

Are there other people who've been here for even longer than we have?

Is that what's watching me with eyes even emptier than a Heartless' eyes?

Something _bad_ is going to happen, I know that. I feel... _sick_. Like there is something in me that shouldn't be, and it _wants out._

I want it out, I don't like this, I don't want this, I need out of here, Riku.

Someone help me, please.

I think I'm falling.

**********

**Interlude XXVI : _In Her Tomb By The Sounding Sea_**

I wonder... how long I've been here.

I think that it's been... a very long time.

People have come and gone many times since I fell here, I've met many of them. I've tried to help them as much I as I could, save as many of them as I could, but I wasn't able to save them all.

I guess you can't ever save everyone, no matter how hard you try. It's too difficult for one person, and the Darkness is too powerful. It won't let me save everyone.

I met a boy here, once. He was young, far too young to be here, he didn't have a chance to even _live_ before he ended up here.

I tried, but... I couldn't help him. He was... like me. Stuck here. Alone.

I've met him several times. When you've walked as long as I have, you can't keep from finding others, can't help from finding some people more than once.

Walking is the only thing to do here, ever.

The boy... he had silver hair, and ocean-eyes. Like water, clear, blue-green ocean water.

He was so... lost. Alone. There was something _Dark_ inside of him, I could feel it, I could almost _see_ it in the shadows that clung to him like a second skin.

He was much Darker than me. I don't know how, since he was so much younger than me, but he was much Darker, much more _dangerous_ than I was, than I _am_.

He was so young. Children shouldn't be here, children shouldn't have Darkness inside them. Children shouldn't have old-eyes like his were.

What happened to the worlds while I was here? What happened to warp children into Dark creatures, dangerous things?

Has Light lost the battle between Light and Dark? Is that why things are so bad now?

More and more people have been showing up here, even more frequently, and I've been trying to help but they're _Darker_ than they used to be, it's so much harder to help them find their Light again, if they have any at all.

This boy, he was so Dark, so alone. He had _old_ eyes, eyes that have seen too much too fast, and can't un-see the bad things, even though he wanted to.

I remember talking to him, and I remember how sad his voice was. He had the voice of someone old, someone who'd seen the world and didn't like what they'd seen.

"What's your name?" I had asked him. I wanted to save him more than anyone else I've met. The people I've found, they're easier to help if you know their name, if you can get to know them and help them find their Light.

And he smiled, and it was very cold, and it didn't reach his eyes at all. "I'm Riku."

He was sitting in the Darkness, on the ground, with shadows pooling around his body like a cloak, and he was alone. I remember when he looked up at me, and how it felt like he was looking down on me even when he was looking up. "Who are you?"

I smiled back at him, and for once it really did feel sincere, because this boy felt like me, someone who'd sacrificed himself for someone he loved and couldn't stand to see hurt. He was like me. He was good, despite the Darkness in him. I felt... drawn to him because of that. I felt a sort of kinship with him.

I smiled a little wider, and this time, for the first time in a very long time, it reached my eyes.

"Call me Aqua."  



	10. Part Ten

**Interlude XXVII : _We Owe This To Ourselves_**

You're not here as much as you used to be, you stay away for longer, and when I look for you, I used to be able to find you. Now I can't, now I'll walk forever and I won't find you.

I'm looking for Aqua, like you told me to. I want to leave here. You said she could help me leave.

Can she really, Riku? Is it even possible? I don't know anymore.

I'm loosing even more hope. I'm loosing even more faith that it's even _possible_ to escape here.

That _bad_ feeling is stronger than it was. It's not going away. I'm scared, Riku.

I'm scared of what's going to happen, because the last time I felt this way, Destiny Islands was destroyed. What's going to happen this time?

I feel like I need to hurry, like I'm running out of time. It's frightening because time had no meaning before, but now I feel like I'm running out. I'm not walking anymore, I'm running now.

You're acting strange, you're not here as much as you were, but when you are, you aren't really _here_. You're distracted by something, and when I ask you what's wrong, you won't answer. You'll get this _look_ on your face, and it's Dark, and it feels more than a little dangerous.

I'm running, I'm searching, for Aqua, because you say that she can help. You say that she can get me out.

Am I running out of time, Riku? Is that why you're acting so strange?

Or is it something else all together, something else for me to worry about?

I'm worried about you.

I don't... I don't think that you're planning on leaving here when I do.

I don't even know if you _can_ leave, but I don't think that you're planning on leaving with me.

I don't know if I even want to leave here if you don't come with me.

I... I don't have anything else left outside of here, my friends, my family, my home, it's all gone.

You're all that I have left.

I spent more than two years waiting for you, and I've only just found you again. How could I leave you here again, now that I've found you?

So why would I want to leave without you?

Why would you even think that I'd leave without you?

I won't. I won't leave you here, I swear to you that I won't.

I'll bring you with me.

I promise.

**********

**Interlude XXVIII : _Whisper_**

_Sora_

is the name of the new Keyblade wielder. _Sora_ is the one who is supposed to save the worlds.

_Sora_

is here in the Darkness.

_Sora_

has... fallen.

The boy with the old eyes, _Riku_ , wants me to help him, wants me to get him out of the Darkness.

What happened to the worlds while I was here? Has Light lost the battle against the Darkness? Is that why the new Keyblade wielder has ended up here?

He feels like Ventus. I've been watching him, and... he doesn't seem like the one who will save the worlds, he doesn't feel... Light.

Some part of him is calling to me, I don't know how, but he _feels_ like _Ventus_. It's unnerving, how much he feels like Ventus, when I see him, I almost need to remind myself that he _isn't_ , that he's _Sora_ , not _Ventus_.

I'll help him. I'll save him, even if only because he feels like Ventus.

I'll get him out of here.

I will.

I step towards him, and though my feet make no sound in the Darkness, he looks up at me. His eyes... they're so much like Ventus' that it's almost frightening. "You're Sora?"

He's still not who I expect to see, still too young, still not what you'd expect from someone Light.

"Are you Aqua?" He's sounds so _hopeful_. Hope is rare here.

"Did Riku tell you about me?" I ask, and he nods, still looking so hopeful and young and fragile, and maybe this is how he's a Keyblade wielder, the way that this little bit of _Light_ that hasn't died even _here_.

"You want my help." It's not a question, because I already know the answer, but Sora nods anyways.

"Can you help us?" he asks, and still sounds so naively hopeful for someone who's in the Darkness.

"I'll try."

Sora is the new Keyblade wielder.

Sora is the one who will save the worlds.

Sora... took over for us, I guess. That must mean that neither Ventus nor Terra must be around anymore, for the worlds to need a new savior. That they must be dead.

We weren't strong enough.

We _failed_.

That hurts.

Maybe... Maybe this boy who still seems too young, who still isn't who I expect when I look at him, maybe he'll succeed where we didn't.

Maybe he really will save the worlds, when he gets out of the Darkness.

Maybe this is my chance to redeem myself.

I'll help him. I'll help him and his friend with the too-old eyes, the one named Riku.

I'll get them out of here.

You'll see.

I will.

**********

**Interlude XXIV : _Imaginary (Origin)_**

I've found her. _Aqua_.

She... she looks a little like Kairi.

She feels a little like Kairi, too.

She says that she wants to help me. She says that she can get me out of here. And... I trust her.

I don't know why, but I trust her. She _feels_ like Kairi, and maybe that's a part of it, but I trust her.

She said what you said, that I need to think Light thoughts. I've been trying, but it's difficult.

You're not around much anymore, Riku. Where do you go when you're not here? Why do you have to go anywayd?

That _bad_ feeling is still here. I still feel like something bad is going to happen, I still feel like someone's watching me.

Aqua... she can see the shadows that I can. I tried asking her about them, pointing them out, but when I started asking questions, she wouldn't answer them. I think that I was right, that they are dangerous.

That worries me. But it kind of makes me wonder if maybe it's all in my mind, if maybe I'm hallucinating them.

They're frightening, worse that the Heartless were. They feel so much more dangerous.

"Find your Light," Aqua says, and tells me that to get out of here I need to find my Light. I'm searching, but it's _hard_. Hard to find it, especially with you not here very much anymore. When you were here, you made things Lighter, but you're not here very much, and when you're not, things get even Darker than they were before you came.

It's working, I know it is because I feel _Lighter_ , a little less like I could sink through the ground if I put my mind to it.

I can almost see the Light in my Heart, if I search hard enough. Almost.

Aqua reminds me of Kairi, something in her eyes, in her face, in the way that she's trying to help us, even though she doesn't know us.

It makes me miss Kairi, a little. Makes me feel guilty that I forgot about her for a while, I was too occupied with you, and fact that you're still you that I forgot about her.

When you're here, you're not really here, you're so distant, distracted, and sometimes you'll stare at something past me that I can't see, and you'll get this look on your face, like you're worried about something.

You are worried, aren't you, Riku?

I still feel rushed, like we're in a hurry for something, late for something and maybe we are, maybe there's something going on that I don't know about and you won't tell me, something that's got you acting so strange.

What's going on, Riku?

Why won't you talk to me?

**********

**Interlude XXX : _Where Will You Go_**

I'm not sure how much longer I can stay like this, I think... I think that either I'm getting weaker, or the Darkness has gotten much, _much_ stronger.

I'm not sure how much longer I'll be able to hold the Darkness back.

I'm not sure how much longer I'll stay _me_.

The Darkness... it wants me to _hurt_ you, Sora, it wants me to kill you, and it's strong, so strong I can hardly keep it back.

I know that the only reason I can hold it back, is because I love you so much. I don't want to hurt you.

You are in danger, here. The Darkness hates you so much.

But, you will be safe, soon. You found Aqua. She'll help you. You'll get out.

You're searching for your Light. I know that I should give you back your Heart, I know that it would make you stronger to have your whole Heart, all your Light, but I can't. I don't know what I'd be without it, if I'd even be me, or if I'd be something _less_.

You want me to come with you. I don't know if it's even possible, I don't know if I even have any Light left. I... I don't think that I will go with you. I don't think that it'd be safe for you to have me with you, Sora, because the Darkness has it's claws in me so deep, they're never coming out.

When I met Aqua, she wanted to help me, she told me that. She wanted to help me leave. She tried to help me find the Light, but after a while, she just... gave up. I think that she realized that I don't have any Light left, that she should spend her time trying to save people who aren't hopeless.

I'm selfish, I'm weak, and I'm so tempted to stop Aqua, make Sora stop searching and make Sora stay with me, here.

I know that when Sora leaves, I'll be alone again.

I know that I'm dreading it.

But I can't make you stay, because you are Light, you are the Hero and you are needed outside of here.

I can't make you stay, because no one makes you do anything. You are... strong. One in a million, and it's so much clearer to me now. The saying, that you don't know a good thing until it's gone, it's so true. I didn't see exactly how special you were until I lost you. But now you're back again, with me again, and I know that I can't keep you here, I know that I can't be selfish.

You're going to leave here soon.

I will be alone again.

But Sora, you will be _safe_.

That's all that matters.

**********

**Interlude XXXI : _Anywhere_**

Sora has... an _amazing_ amount of Light in him, so much that it's almost overpowering.

So much that it's almost frightening.

He smiled at me, once, a _real_ smile, and told me thank you, that he was grateful for my help. The amount of Light squeezed into that one look almost made me breathless. It's almost frightening, to think that one person has so much Light in him.

There is such a fine line between Light and Dark, and it would be so easy for all of that Light to change into Darkness. It would take... almost nothing. His Light... it's on the edge, between Light and Dark. It would be so easy for him to fall.

Light is just as powerful as Darkness.

That scares me, a little, especially seeing this boy, who has no idea how much power he has, so oblivious to the fact that he could just as easily be be a villain, instead of the Hero

I wonder if anyone told him about that.

I doubt it. It's not something that people want to hear, want to know, that Darkness is just one step away from Light. That Light is just one step away from Darkness. Two sides of the same coin, the same.

I can see now why the Keyblade chose him. He has an amazing amount of Light, even here, and it's only getting stronger.

I'm teaching him how to find his Light, the way I helped the countless other people who had fallen here before.

Sora... he wants me to help Riku, too.

But Riku is... an anomaly. His Darkness... it's strange. Very strange.

Not normal, it's too strong. He has... shadows. Tendrils of Darkness clinging to him, trailing after him as he moves, and it's _powerful_.

He seems dangerous, somehow. But he reminds me of me, and... and he does love that boy Sora. And I want to help him, but I don't know how to help him.

The Darkness in his Heart is a little like the Darkness in mine. It won't change. It _can't_ change.

There is a very fine line between Darkness and Light, which means that just like Light can turn Dark, Darkness can turn into Light.

But the Darkness in his Heart, just like in mine, it's... stuck. It won't change.

I know because I've tried, I've tried to change that Darkness into Light, but it doesn't work.

We're stuck here.

And we'll never leave.

**********

**Interlude XXXII : _Away From Me_**

Something is happening to the Darkness, something is... changing. All the time. It's not... normal.

I've been working on finding my Light. I've been trying, but it's hard now, because I'm worried, and distracted. I can't focus.

It _is_ getting stronger though, I can feel it more than before. I'm getting closer.

Something's wrong with you. I know that there is. You're acting so strange, you're acting almost like you did just before you disappeared.

That worries me.

Are you going to disappear again? Are you going to leave me here in the Darkness?

We... We were sitting here, and you looked at me, and that was strange in and of itself, because you've been having trouble looking at me lately, you're having trouble meeting my eyes. It's worrying.

You looked at me, and your eyes were so intense all of a sudden, not distracted, not staring at something past me, you were looking at me with this look in your eyes, and it worried me, because it was so intense it almost fightened me. And you said, "Ask Kairi about Angel."

_Ask Kairi about Angel._

What does that mean? Is Kairi still alive? Is she safe? Am I going to see her again?

What's _Angel_?

I... I need to ask her about it? Riku, why did you tell me that?

You haven't been talking to me much, you've been quiet.

I guess that I haven't been talking much either, we don't really need to though, we're... us. We don't need to talk, we can be together and not talk at all, just... be near each other and be us.

What's happening to you, Riku? Why are you acting so strange? Is it the Darkness? Is it changing you?

You won't tell me anything. You won't answer my questions, you'll just get this... look, and I'll know that you don't want to answer, because you don't like the answer. Because you don't want me to worry about you.

I'm worrying anyways, I'm worried about you.

I don't know anything. I don't know anything about what's going on here, and I hate that.

I'm so lost. I'm so... confused.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know what's happening.

I don't know who you are anymore.

**********

**Interlude XXXIII : _Take Me Away_**

Just a little bit longer, I just need to hold on for just a little bit longer.

I've been having blackouts.

I guess that you could call them that.

It's strange, I'll just _blink_ , and when I open my eyes, I'll know somehow that time has passed, I won't be where I was when I closed my eyes, and I'll be so _tired_ , and I won't know why.

It's... worrying. Worrying because I have no way of knowing what happened why my eyes were closed.

Sometimes, I wonder if I hurt anyone when it happens.

Sometimes, I worry that I'm going to hurt Sora.

It happened a lot when the door to the Light first closed, and I never figured out why it did.

It stopped after a while, I don't know why, but it did, and I could blink without worrying that I wouldn't remember what happened while my eyes were closed.

Sora is worried about me. I don't want him to worry, even though I'm already a little worried about myself. I don't know what's happening, and I don't know _why_ it's happening.

The Darkness, it sometimes feels like it's toying with us, waiting for us to let our guard down before it finally strikes. It sometimes feels like the only reason that we're able to interact with other people is because it's _letting_ us.

Sometimes it feels like we're stumbling around blindly, and the Darkness knows that, and that the Darkness wants it.

The Darkness knows so much more than us.

The Darkness is so much stronger than us.

Aqua is helping Sora find his Light, and now, when I look at him, it's like he's glowing. He's a star, he burns so bright, and he always has. Nothing that he's been through has ever put that Light out before, and I don't think that anything ever will. I don't think that anything can.

He is _everything_.

He means the world to me, and I would sacrifice anything for him.

When I close my eyes, I don't remember what happens before I open them.

I think... I think that I'm starting to loose myself again, I think that the Darkness has it's hooks in me even deeper than before.

I think that the Darkness is starting to take away everything I am.

**********

**Interlude XXXIV : _The Beginning of the End_**

I'm worried.

Riku is... off. There's something _off_ about him, and I don't know what it is.

Sometimes, when I'm working with Sora and helping him find his Light, he'll watch us, and he'll have this little smile on his face, like he's resigned himself to his fate, and even though he might not like it, he's had time to get used to it.

Had time to get used to not being able to leave when Sora does.

But now... he'll watch us, but he'll get this far off look in his eyes, like he's looking at something that we can't see. It's disconcerting.

Sometimes, he doesn't really feel like Riku, but he feels like someone else.

Sometimes, his eyes look almost amber.

I've been working more with Sora than I was before, I'm trying to get him out of here even faster, because I'm worried about him. Worried about his safety.

The Darkness... it's changing.

There are shadows that _move_ , and they seem to be gravitating towards Riku for some reason.

_Riku_

is changing.

The Darkness in his Heart, it's stronger all of a sudden, just like Sora's Light is so much stronger.

I wonder if they're connected, if Sora's Light getting stronger has made Riku's Darkness stronger. I wouldn't be surprised. Those two... they are connected somehow.

Sometimes, if you look at them, you can almost see a thread of Light, attached to each of their Hearts, connecting them.

Sora needs to get out of here, I don't know how much longer he'll be safe.

I feel like we're running out of time, almost like for the entire time I've been here, that the Darkness has been _waiting_ for something and now it's almost here.

We're running out of time.

Sora... Sora can escape, Sora can get out of here, and Sora can save the worlds.

But Riku and I, we can't. If something happens, we can't leave. If something happens, we won't be safe because we can't protect ourselves.

The Darkness has power over this whole place, it knows where all of us are all the time, and it knows how to separate us.

It knows how to kill us.

Nothing, not even Darkness should have this much power. It's not natural, and it takes my breath away sometimes, when I'm not paying attention, when I focus again, it'll seem so _immense_.

It's even worse now, it's just getting even stronger.

Something is happening to the Darkness here.

Something is happening to Riku.

I think that everything is about to change.

But I don't think that it's going to be for the better.

**********

**Interlude XXXV : _Lies_**

"Where have you been?" I ask softly, since I've learned that to talk too loudly in the Darkness is frightening, loud noises in the silence are shocking.

You look up at me from where you're sitting by the water, sitting by the blackness, sitting in the nothingness. "Something's happening."

I settle onto the ground, and lean on your shoulder, and you're warm, even here, you're Riku, even now. "Why don't you talk to me anymore?"

You laugh, and it's quiet and Dark, as you gaze out across the water that doesn't seem like water but _oil_ , Dark, everything here is Dark.

There is no moon, no stars and it's too Dark, always too Dark here.

I can see out of the corner of my eye your smile, and it's sad, terribly sad. "You don't _want_ to know what I'm thinking about, Sora."

My arm wraps around your shoulders, and if I close my eyes, I can almost pretend that we're back on the islands. "You're not planning on coming with me, are you?"

You sigh, and you don't look at me, you haven't looked at me for a while now, and you won't meet my eyes.

"Don't lie to me, Riku." Hopeful, I don't want you to, because I hate it when you lie to me because I hate how it hurts me.

"I can't come with you, Sora. I... I can't leave here."

I turn to you, and grab your shoulders pulling you close and I press my face to your hair, and you smell the same, you are the same and it's so bittersweet. "We'll find a way. I won't leave you here."

A shudder, your shoulders shaking as you start to tremble, and I hate that you're shaking because you never used to be so unstable, you used to be stronger, and I think that I _miss_ that you.

You pull away from me, and for the first time in a while, you look me in the eye, glaring at me. "You need to leave here. You need to leave me here."

"I won't, Riku-"

You hands are on my shoulders, the grip painfully tight as you shake me violently.

"When are you going to _get it_?" you hiss, eyes flashing, and for a moment they almost seem amber instead of ocean.

"I won't leave you here!" I won't, I swear. I promise you that I won't.

Fingers tightening on my arms as you glare at me. "You _need_ to." And there it is again, that flicker, that orange-amber that reminds me of the Heartless.

"I need _you_." And it's true, horribly true because I do need you, like that therapist said years ago, I _do_ depend on you.

Out of the corner of my eyes something shifts, Dark, the shadows. Your eyes follow them too, you can see them too and you know they're there.

You take a breath, shaky, and you close your eyes. "Sora, you need to run. _Now_." And all of a sudden your eyes are clear, desperate, your voice is intense, and it's lost that disconnected tone it's had for the past while.

I'm confused. I'm lost, and I don't know why you keep pushing me away. I hate it, and I hate how I can't do anything about it because I _don't know anything._

I'll ask you once more, because I need to know, even though I know you won't answer. "What's going _on_ , Riku?"

" _Get away from me_!" you _scream_ this at me, and your eyes are amber again, your hands on my arms even tighter, and if I wanted to run I wouldn't have been able to.

Your eyes are flashing amber as you push me away, onto the ground, and you've changed suddenly. And I really should remember that things always get worse before they get better, but I never do, I always forget and when they go downhill, it's a surprise. It shouldn't be.

"Riku-" I don't even know what to say, because I don't even know who you are anymore, and can I even call you Riku anymore? Are you even Riku anymore?

I'm- I'm _scared_ of you.

Your eyes are _Dark_ , and the shadows around you are moving closer.

And I whisper, "What _happened_ to you, Riku?"

**********

**Interlude XXXVI : _My Immortal_**

_Riku blinks, and his mind goes blank as the teal in his eyes bleeds to amber._

***

Memories of Darkness, the _first time_ , of _Sora_ and Light and Keyblades and _everything_ , his whole life are flashing through his mind.

***

Laughter and sun and smiles, the beach. Building sand castles and Sora is there with him, as they speak in sing-song tones about the princesses and princes living in the castle made of sand.

"The bad guy is just confused! He needs someone to help him!" Protesting, as Riku makes an offhand comment about how the villain should be buried under the castle,

A laugh, Riku's, and it's gently teasing. "You'd be the one to save him."

And Sora smiles _just like that_ , and something in Riku _jumps_ , his Heart skipping a beat as that smile makes his skin warmer.

And it's carefree, happy, not a worry in their minds, nothing Bad, nothing Dark, and they're _innocent_.

(Now-Riku, _grown up_ Riku wants to scream as he watches the memory like a spectator, he wants to scream at his former self for being something that he can never be again.)

***

A skip in memories, the pause in between them blurring like static on a television as the memory shifts into another.

The three musketeers, all together, Sora and Kairi and Riku.

A raft, they're building a raft and talking cheerfully, still as carefree, still as happy. They're not worried about leaving, they're not scared, they just want _more_.

"We'll go together!" Sora's voice, younger and more child-like, with none of the knowledge he has now.

"The three musketeers!" And that's Kairi, so happy, so open and _clear_.

"We'll be together until we die." His own voice, younger, and it's strange to be watching the moment like this, watching the memory. (There's that bit of morbid Darkness in the words, but it goes unnoticed by all three of them.)

"Forever!" says Kairi, though it's almost a shout. (None of them notice yet, but the way she says it, it's a promise.)

"And always." Sora finishes speaking, finishes what they would later realize was a pledge to each other. One that they broke.

( _Don't leave, don't leave Destiny Islands, because the people who peave won't come back, they'll be different_. Riku wants to warn them, he wants to tell them what he knows but he can't, because he's not really there, he's just watching.)

***

The memory changes again, and it's _Maleficent_ , enrobed in shadows.

Promising everything that Riku wanted, promising power to the ambitious child who latches onto the offer without worrying about the consequences. (Never worried about the consequences at the moment, but they do say that hindsight is 20/20.)

(Now-Riku watches, and he curses how gullible he was, how easy it was for him to accept the offer, and this, _this_ is why the Keyblade didn't choose him, and he hates that.)

And it's Sora, in Hollow Bastion with the Keyblade him hand, and Riku remembers how jealous he was.

He remembers how the only thought in his mind was: _That should be mine._

_You fool, you naive fool._

Now-Riku rants as he watches, watches as the younger him lets the Darkness into his Heart, even if it wasn't a conscious choice, it happened. He watches as the Darkness worms it's way into already present cracks.

( _You never had a_ chance _against the Darkness,_ whispers something in his mind.)

***

The memory changing again, and this time he's fighting Sora, and he's so _angry_ , angry at himself for not being who he wants to be and angry at Sora for being everything he wants and can never have.

Now-Riku hates this, hates that he hurt Sora, hates that this ever happened.

( _You are_ weak.)

He watches as the old him holds the Keyblade, and he remembers how it felt in his hand, how wrong it felt, and how right it always looked in Sora's hand.

***

The scene changes, and it's Castle Oblivion, Organization XIII.

Faces flash before him, like a video on fast forward, moving fast as he remembers them all.

Marluxia with his scythe, the floral smell reminding him of Kairi's love of flowers.

Vexen, brilliant, _insane_. And more often than not the two go hand in hand, brilliance and insanity blur together, not separated by any distinct line.

And Zexion, who points out what Riku doesn't want to realize. That Sora is Light while Riku is Dark and how can those two ever coexist, how can they ever be together? Can they?

( _No_ , says the voice. _Because you're_ poisonous.)

And Namine, wearing Kairi's face, representing everything that Riku wants. (Everything he can never have.)

***

Colors blur as the memory bleeds into another, Xion this time, feeling so much like Sora that it _hurts_ , and he wants to hate her for that but he can't, because she's just like him, a tool, useful when needed. (And when a tool is no longer useful, it's no longer needed, and it must be destroyed.)

And then Roxas, with eyes like Sora, so blue, but _not_ like Sora, because Sora was open and happy and carefree, while this boy's eyes are so cold that Riku's not sure how he can possibly live.

_This_

boy he can hate, because he is right there in front of him, close enough to touch as he looks like Sora and feels like Sora but still isn't Sora,

He has no idea who he is, who he was and who he can be again, if he makes that choice, but Roxas, with hair the wrong color and eyes too cold doesn't know any of this, doesn't know that _he_ is the Key to _everything_.

But in the end, Roxas was just a tool too, and Riku used him without any remorse, and when he wasn't useful anymore, Roxas was forgotten.

(Now-Riku feels _guilty_ , and he hates that, hates that he feels guilty for someone he hated.)

***

The memory changes again and it's hurry, rushing, _save Sora, save Sora_ the only thought in his mind.

Sora is _everything_.

(And you are _nothing_.)

And it's saving Namine who is Kairi but _not_ , and saving Kairi at the same time. Kairi who is good and pure, and so much more suited for Sora that he ever was.

(You will never be good enough.)

***

Everything changes once again and the scene is fighting Xemnas, fighting Xemnas to protect Sora because Sora is everything.

And then the fight is over, the rest skipped like someone presses fast-forward, and it's Sora, talking to Sora and realizing that _this_ was what he had been looking for the entire time, that _Sora_ was what he had been looking for.

The letter, _one sky_ , and Now-Riku muses about just how _much_ letters would come to mean.

The door to the Light opens, it's a now familiar sight, and he watches as the younger him and Sora step through it to land in the water.

It's Destiny Islands, the ocean, the sun, the sand and it _hasn't changed_.

He sees Kairi and Sora, and King Mickey and Goofy and Donald, he watches the good-byes and he watches how happy Kairi is, how happy Sora is and how they're _home_ again.

(Now-Riku remembers how amazing it was to be home, how sometimes while he was away it seemed so impossible but they were _home_.)

***

The memory flickers and it's Riku, angry, Sora, stricken. A training sword in Riku's hand and a Keyblade in Sora's.

" _I_ hate _you_."

The words hissed, and it was _true_. It was true and Now-Riku hates that. Hates that he hated Sora and hates that he said it, that he somehow let the words slip out.

Young Riku is jealous, even now, even though they're home.

But most of all he hates himself, for not being strong enough, for not being good enough. He hates himself for never being who he should be.

***

The memory flickers into another, him and Sora in the paopu tree, as Sora says, " _I love you_."

Riku remembers saying it back, and he remembers kissing Sora with the taste of the paopu fruit they had shared in their mouths.

He remembers how different they were when they first came home, how quiet Sora was and how _angry_ he was.

And they talked in the paopu tree, Sora becoming less quiet, and them becoming closer and closer, becoming the only thing that the other one needed, and Riku remembers how they forgot all about Kairi.

***

The bright colors of the memory fade to black, to _Darkness_ as he remembers what it was like waking up here, in the Darkness.

He remembers how he hated that he wasn't strong enough to stay in the Light, and he remembers a post office box, and a letter he had written, carefully placed inside.

The letters from Sora, each one so _bright_ , each one with so much of his Light poured in.

The Darkness, and Sora's Heart, in his chest and how warm it was, and how it felt to pull on that warmth so the door to the Light would open.

Like an escape, a savior.

How Sora mourned.

_I'm so sorry Sora. I'm so sorry._

***

It changes again and it's Aqua, so kind, so like Kairi that it _hurts_ and how she wants to help him but _can't_.

He watches as the door to the Light closed for the last time and he remembers how Aqua looked when he told her, how she felt sorry for him and for once the pity wasn't awful, because she was the same, and she was also sruck in the Darkness. And it wasn't pity but empathy, because she knew how he felt.

But she couldn't help him.

(Because you belong to the Darkness.)

(Because you are _weak_.)

***

And _everything_ changes and it's Sora, in the Darkness, somewhere he shouldn't be but somehow he _is_.

It's blackouts, blinking and not being where he was when he closed his eyes. Watching Aqua helping Sora, saving him, and knowing that soon, he'd be alone again.

And it's Sora, kissing Sora and knowing that they still fit together the same way they did _Before_.

Sora is everything and Sora has always been everything.

And there's a presence in his mind, and it's familiar, it's been there before and it's what's systematically searching through his memories, and they've all changed so much but one thing stayed the same.

_Sora_

.

Sora, because it's always Sora and Sora is _everything_.

But Sora is scared, scared of him and when he opens his eyes he knows it's happened again, that he blinked, and time has passed.

The memories he went through made him _think_ , made him realize something that's horrible and _true_.

He's not good enough.

He's not good enough, and he never has been, and he never will be.

It's what Zexion made him realize, years ago, that he is Dark and Sora is Light and there is no way for those two to be together.

He had blinked, and he relived his life, his memories.

For a while now, whenever he blinks something happens and he _changes_. He blinks, and he doesn't need to think anymore, his mind is blissfully blank and he doesn't _hurt_ anymore.

"What _happened_ to you?" Sora little more than breathes the words, and he is _scared_ of Riku.

It's another hurt, knowing that Sora who is everything is scared of him.

(Riku is so tired.)

Sora is the whole world and Riku is nothing.

Riku hates that.

When he blinked, he didn't need to feel like this, didn't need to hurt like this.

***

_Riku closes his eyes._


	11. Part Eleven

**Interlude XXXVII : _Forever Gone, Forever You_**

"What _happened_ to you, Riku?" he asks, he _whispers_ as he stares at the person wearing Riku's face, who is so much like him he _is_ him.

He has a sword in his hand, and it might have been a Keyblade, once, but it isn't anymore, because Keyblades are _good_ and Light, and this is Dark and _dangerous_.

_You're not you anymore. You... you're something else, something that isn't good, and isn't strong._

_You said that it was safe here._

_You said that everything would be okay._

"You _promised_ ," Sora says, and it's no longer a statement, but a plea. No longer as sure, no longer as trusting as he was Before.

The man wearing Riku's face like a mask smiles cruelly. "I lied." A simple statement, nothing more than the truth, and that's the worst part of it.

He lunges at Sora, with that Keyblade that isn't really a Keyblade in his hand, flashing, glinting like silver hair in moonlight, reminding Sora of things _Before_ in way that hurts so much.

_You want to kill me._

The person in him, the one who isn't Riku but at the same time _is_ him, wants to kill Sora.

"What are you?" Sora whispers as he cringes away from the approching figure, not sure what to do because he's lost, he's _broken_ and he can't even summon the Keyblades anymore so he's defenseless, useless, now. ( _You're nothing_ , a voice, slick like oil whispers traitorously in the back of his mind.)

Not-Riku smiles again, wider, Darker, with more of that casual-cruelty that distances him from the _real_ Riku. "Call me Ansem."

A flash of blue, sparks flying as Keyblades clash, and Aqua is suddenly there, in front of Sora, Keyblade in hand, defending him.

(Sora abruptly feels a rush of helplessness, of uselessness. Because without a Keyblade, what is he? Without a Keyblade, is he anything? Or is he _nothing_?)

Blue like ocean, blue like sky, Sora realizes who Aqua is, realizes that _she_ is the _Hero_ , and he realizes that if she had failed to protect the worlds from Darkness, that he must have been doomed from the start, since Sora isn't as strong, isn't as well trained and Sora had Darkness in his Heart from the beginning while this Keyblade master has none.

"What did you do to Riku?" she yells, and Not-Riku smirks, raising the not-Keyblade to strike once more.

"Riku, was _weak_."

Swords smashing together with a noise that is almost painfully loud in the silence. (Though it's not really silent anymore, not with the soft hissing of shadows shifting nearby, moving closer to the Not-Riku with the not-Keyblade.

And then Sora is on his feet, not sure when he'd even fallen, just knowing that he had been slipping even further down to something _Darker_. "Riku's not weak!" He steps forward, eyes flashing with Light, something strange and unusual in the Darkness.

He hates that he is so _weak_. "Snap out of it, Riku! You need to, we're going to get out of here!" he yells this, but it sounds laughably feeble even to his ears. He's tempted to reach out and just _shake_ Riku until he's back to normal, but Aqua stops him with a hand on his shoulder.

Sora turns back to her, an anguished look on his face as he pleads, "Can't you _do_ something?"

And, Sora reflects, pity has always been something he's loathed to see on peoples faces when they look at him, though lately, it's been a far too often occurance. (Pity on Aqua's face hurts almost as much as when Kairi would look at him in much the same way.)

When she shakes her head at him, he wants to rage at the whole world for never being fair, for letting this happen, for letting everything happen, but Sora isn't as naive anymore, and he knows that life isn't fair, and that sometimes Light doesn't win, and that sometimes, Darkness is much, _much_ stronger.

(Always stronger, _always_.)

Riku, who isn't Riku anymore, but now Ansem, with eyes no longer the color of the ocean, but a dark amber-yellow just like a Heartless', and Sora turns to him, and asks, " _Why_?" One word, just one, but it's enough to convey everything he's feeling, everything he's asking.

Amber eyes flicker to teal for a moment, and Not-Riku reaches out, Keyblade gone, hand empty. "Sora..." he murmurs, fingers just grazing the brunet's cheek as he stares at him sadly.

"Riku...?" It's too much to hope for, but Sora _hopes_ , and Sora forgets that things are never this easy, which is why it's so shocking when the hand moves down, fisting in his shirt and pulling him up on his toes as Riku's eyes turn amber.

It's a kalidoscope of color, flickering between amber and ocean, as Maybe-Riku's hand lets go, and Sora falls, shadows moving closer, the hissing becoming louder.

"Sora!" A scream, a voice that he's not sure who it belongs too, but somehow sounds like _Kairi_ , calling to him.

_Find your Light_

, Aqua's voice murmurs in his ear as the shadows attack, leaping foward with slashing claws, and glowing red eyes, so much more terrible than the Heartless ever were.

Find your Light.

Sora closes his eyes, closes his ears to the screaming and hissing and the clash of swords somewhere above him and he searches in his Heart, for whatever Light he has left, memories of sun and sand and _Riku_ , and he _pulls_ , pulls on that Light.

Childrens laughter, young voices giggling, and it's Kairi and Riku and the three musketeers.

"Together forever!" they all shout in unison as they link hands and leap off of the paopu tree into the ocean.

They love each other like siblings, and they promised that they always would, but somewhere along the way that changed.

Somewhere along the way three became two and one left behind.

Sora and Riku made a new pledge, to spend their lives together, and they forgot about Kairi.

(Little do they know, but Kairi made her own promise, that she'd always love them both, equally, and that she'd wait for them to realize this. She'd wait forever.)

And the memory with the most Light, the one that Sora pulls on is him and Riku kissing in the paopu tree, saying that they loved each other.

It's the memory of Riku saying that he wanted to spend his life with Sora, and how sincere he was, how true the statement was and how they promised it, how they were going to be together forever and _always_.

(The Light in that memory is warm, and it melts the frost that been starting for form on Sora's Heart and he loves Riku, and that's why that memory has that much Light.)

" _No_!" And there's a cry, anguished, and this time he _knows_ it's Riku.

He opens his eyes, and the only thing he sees is Riku, the real Riku, with open-eyes, always telling what he's feeling, and right now Riku is in _pain_.

Clawed fingers, gripping pale arms, bruising, claws slicing into skin, long lines of red as the sound of hissing grows louder, and more shadows slither closer to Riku, more clawed hands cling to him, slashing at him, eyes, glowing red like the blood dripping off him, dripping off those black razor-claws.

He coughs, red spattering his hair, and it's ghostly, red blood on silver, _moonlight_. A hand, black, clawed, one of the shadows, has been stabbed through Riku's stomach, and he's bleeding, somehow, which is strange because this is the Darkness, and nothing here is _alive_ , nothing here has blood, but Riku is bleeding, somehow. _Dying_ , somehow.

Aqua is standing behind him, Keyblade still in hand, though it's doing nothing against the shadows which seem to be multiplying by the second. ( _Stronger_ , whispers that icy voice in his mind, _Darkness is stronger than Light,_ always.)

Someone screams, " _Riku_!" and it takes a while before Sora realizes that it was him, and that he's on his knees next to him, and Riku is on his back, and Riku is dying. (Edges flickering oddly, like Axel when he died, and that comparision really doesn't bring back any good memories for Sora.)

" _No, no, no, no, no, no_!" A chant, as he takes Riku's face in his hands and stares into his eyes, now firmly ocean-colored, no hint of amber. "You said that everything would be okay. You said that we'd get out of here!" Sora is desperate for reassurance, even though they both know that it's hopeless.

( _Darkness is stronger than Light_.)

And Riku laughs, a pained chuckle that just brings more blood to his mouth. "I lied," he says wryly, a hint of his old smirk curving his lips.

( _Always_.)

Eyes suddenly intense, latching onto Sora's, a hand reaching up and taking hold of one of the hands on his face. "Your Light, _Sora_ , use your Light. Get _out_ of here."

Sora knows what he has to do, and he hates it, but he will anyways because it's what he promised Riku, promised that he'd survive, that he'd do anything it took, and if he hasn't broken a promise yet, he might as well not start now.

"I'll come back for you."

Riku's smile is horribly bitter, because they both know that to come back would mean death. "Don't lie to me, Sora," he whispers, his hold on Sora's hand tightening almost painfully.

"I'll come back for you," he says again, more desperately, as if it could make it true.

"I'll wait for you." Riku's eyes are sad.

Sora _pulls_ on the Light in his Heart as hard as he can, pulls on all of his memories of Riku, all of them suddenly, breathtakingly clear, and as he locks eyes with Riku, he says once more, "I'll come back for you!"

The world is starting to blur, and the only thing staying clear is Riku, because Riku has always been what's most important to Sora, always been what he's kept closest to his Heart and Soul.

"I promise!" Another pledge, a plea, it's a promise and Sora wants to believe it himself, but he can't, and he hates how the lie tastes so sour on his lips.

Riku smiles, and it reaches his eyes as he moves Sora's hand, still on his face, to his lips, and he kisses it, the blood on his lips staining Sora's fingertips.

"I believe you."

And the world explodes into Darkness.

**********

**Interlude XXXVIII : _Wonderland_**

Colors swirling, the world is... grey. Blurry. Strange. I feel disconnected from... everything. Almost like I'm not really here. Who knows. Maybe I'm not.

I think that this is some sort of... in between place. Between Dark and Light. It's grey. Like the line that separates the two is blurred, somehow.

How did I get here? How did I get out of the Darkness?

I remember... Riku.

It must have just been my imagination. Riku disappeared a long time ago.

Riku is gone.

I'm... alone.

I don't know... anything.

I'm so tired.

I'm going to sleep for a while.

I think that it's safe to. Someone said it was okay.

***

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

All I can see is white.

The world is white, Light, horribly bright. It's burning my eyes.

Where am I?

I... I don't know what happened.

I can't remember what happened.

I know that I was... in the Darkness. But now... I'm here.

I'm so tired.

I don't know what happened.

The Light here, it's so bright. It hurts my eyes so much. Maybe that's because of the Darkness, being there.

Maybe... Maybe I'm tainted.

Wherever I am, it's somewhere... soft. Everything is fuzzy around the edges, white, and blurry. I think I'm in a hospital. It smells like one.

I hate how hospitals smell. Like... old blood and antiseptic and sick people. It's depressing.

How did I even get here?

I'm so confused.

I can't move. I feel so heavy, like my body weighs ten times as much as it normally does. I'm tired.

Maybe I'm drugged.

I can hear people moving around me, talking. It's all muffled, like I'm underwater.

I think that someone is saying my name. I can't tell, I can't hear.

It sounds like Kairi.

I want to say something, ask if it's her, but I can't. I can't move, can't speak, can't do anything.

I'm so tired.

I can't even be bothered to care.

The Darkness when I close my eyes is a sanctuary. I'm going to sleep, for just a little while longer.

It's better than this.

**********

**Interlude XXXIX : _Still Not Quite Enough_**

You see, _this_ is why I always fail.

Because of that damn optimistic streak, I always get... complacent. Always become too trusting, and I always forget that for _us_ , nothing _ever_ goes well.

I should have remembered that.

I should have remembered that when things seem too good to be true, they almost always are.

Everything always falls apart for us. Nothing ever goes right.

Nothing can ever be easy for us, can it? We always pull the short straw, the loosing card, we never have good luck.

Somehow, I can never remember that. I let my guard down, I relax, I forget that things won't stay good when they seem perfect.

Things always fall apart when we're together, and that's part of the reason I made my choice and I left. I thought, maybe, that if I wasn't there, that if you were away from me, maybe things would work out for at least one of us.

I thought that everything might work out for you. That maybe, if we couldn't have one together, that you could have a happy ending of your own. Without me.

But now it's all over, now it's all grey-grey Darkness, and loss, and not even knowing what happened to you.

You're gone.

Every part of me hurts, every part of me mourns loosing you.

I knew you'd leave, I had thought that I was prepared for that, that I was ready, but I wasn't, and it hurts so much.

I lost you.

That first time I left, _I_ made the choice. I made the choice to leave you, to protect you by staying away. But this time, this time you made the choice.

This time, _you_ made the choice, and _you_ left.

Don't regret that, don't ever feel guilty for leaving me here because it's better this way. You can live, you can save the worlds and you can be safe, without me. You can have a life.

I can't. I never can, because the Darkness is too much a part of me for it to ever let me go.

You left me here. I don't regret it, and I never will because it's what you needed to do, what I needed you to do.

You left, and you said that you'd come back for me.

And I know that you were lying.

**********

**Interlude XXXX : _Dead Wrong_**

Sora will be safe now.

He left, he found his Light again, and he left.

But before he left, something changed.

I've been here for a very long time, and nothing ever changed, nothing was ever different, it was always the same. Unchanging, everlasting Darkness, always.

But then _he_ showed up here, with Light that managed to burn bright even in a place that extinguishes all Light, and he changed _everything_.

Everything changed.

This place... It's not Dark anymore, not completely. It's... grey.

I don't know if it's better. It's even more nothing here.

It's almost like fog, almost like a void, emptiness as far as you can see. Nothingness.

Anything you hear is muffled, anything you feel, you feel like you're feeling it from beyond a glass wall.

At least in the Darkness, you knew that you existed. Here, you don't, not really.

I didn't even know that a place like this could exist, but it does, and I think that this place scares me more than the Darkness.

I've been walking for a long time, just like in the Darkness.

Here, if you walk a certain distance, everything starts to get Darker. If you walk in the opposite direction, it gets Lighter.

I haven't gone too far either way, because I don't know where I'll go, I don't know if it'll be better, or not.

I... I liked the Darkness more than this.

In the Darkness, I could help people, save the people who ended up there even if I couldn't save myself.

In the Darkness I could help people lile Sora, and Riku. People who are lost and afraid, in the Darkness.

Sora coming here, it changed everything. Sora and Riku being together changed everything. Those shadows... They were strong, and the Keyblade didn't do anything to them.

They hurt Riku.

It was a strange sight, I haven't seem blood in... years. However long I've been here. He was bleeding.

I don't even know if he's alive anymore.

I... I hope he is. He felt like me, he sacrificed everything for someone he loved, and he doesn't deserve to die, let alone die in the Darkness, all alone.

I'm lost in this foggy grey nothingness.

And I don't know how to leave.

**********

April 14th, 2012

Dear Riku,

I woke up in Traverse Town, somehow. I guess... that when I left the Darkness, this was where I ended up.

I've been awake for a few days now. I only got out of the hospital today. People have been... observing me, worrying about me. They're trying to figure out if I had been... changed by the Darkness.

I feel the same, I don't think that I'm any different.

You're not here. You must still be in the Darkness.

I... I left you. I can't believe I left you.

I don't even know if you're still alive, those shadows, they hurt you, and I don't know if you could survive that. I don't know if the Darkness would let you live.

I wonder if Aqua is okay, if she's still there with you.

Kairi is fine, I guess. As fine as a person can be after seeig what we did on Destiny Islands. She's the only person from Destiny Islands to survive, other than me. She didn't get pulled into the Darkness.

I wanted to go looking for you, right after I woke up, that was the only thing that I wanted. I wanted to go back into the Darkness so that I could find you. I promised you, remember? I promised that I'd come back for you.

People are saying that it's your fault that Destiny Islands was destroyed by the Darkness.

They're saying that you were the one to unlock the world, and let the Heartless attack. I don't believe them. I can'tbelieve them, but a little part of me wonders. It wonders if maybe you did, maybe you did open the world, and maybe the you that I met in the Darkness was just pretending.

But then I make myself stop wondering, because I know, from the bottom of my Heart, I know that it wasn't you, that you wouldn't do that.

Even Kairi seems to believe it.

Even Kairi seems to think that you're the villain.

You're not.

I know that you're not.

That last day in the Darkness, something happened to you. Something changed you and you weren't you anymore.

You were... someone else.

I didn't know you anymore, and I haven't for a while.

I don't want to just stay here, it's making me tense.

I think that the Darkness did something to my mind before I left. Something to my memories.

They seem to change, from day to day, hour to hour. Sometimes, I'll expext for you to be there next to me when I look over, sometimes, I'll forget you ever left.

Sometimes, I'll forget that Iwas ever in the Darkness, I'll forget that Destiny Islands was destroyed. It'll jusf be for a minute, and then I'll remember in a moment of horrible, breathtaking clarity.

You know that bad feeling I had? It didn't go away when you changed, it didn't go away when the shadows attacked and it's still here.

Everything is just going to get worse.

Love,

Sora

**********

April 15th, 2012

Dear Riku,

When I first woke up, Kairi was the first thing I saw. I woke up in the hospital, and it was so white.

Light physically hurts me now, it... it stings, almost, and if I look at a bright light, it burns my eyes.

I sound like a vampire, don't I, Riku?

Kairi found out about my "sensitivity to Light" after she came into my hospital room and opened the curtains. I screamed, it hurt so much. She took me to Merlin after that, so they could try and figure out what's wrong with me.

He says that it's an after-effect, a side-effect of being in the Darkness. I was there for more than a month. Merlin says that was more than long enough to have become almost anchored to it, to the Darkness, almost dependant on it, just a little bit.

Somehow, it feels like I was there for longer a month, but at the same time, my time with you passed so fast. I only had you for a little while.

Maybe it's the Darkness messing with my mind again.

Kairi, when I first saw her, she started to cry. She started to cry and then she hugged me like she never wanted to let me go.

I think... I think that it's been hard for her, being here, alone, without any of the people from home.

It would be hard for anyone.

Everyone we knew is gone. Our family, our friends, their all gone. We're all that we have.

And you, you're alone. You're completely alone and you don't even have a Kairi to make you smile when you feel like you never will again.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, Kairi is so much strong than either of us. She can cope, and she doesn't need anyone, she doesn't depend on anyone.

I guess... I guess you're like that too, a little. You didn't need me, you were in the Darkness for two years without me, and you didn't fall apart.

And maybe it's just me who's weak, just me who always needs someone to be with, who needs someone to hold me together, and you two, maybe you're both normal and I'm the one who isn't.

Maybe.

I haven't tried to summon the Keyblade.

I'm scared that it won't work, that maybe they really have abandoned me, and maybe I'm not the Hero anymore.

But you know, I'm not so sure that would be a bad thing.

I think that the Darkness changed me more than Kairi or Merlin knows.

Sometimes... I'll feel like if someone looks at me the wrong way, I'll snap and I'll rip them apart.

Sometimes I feel like I have the power to back it up, like I have something powerfulin me, just waiting.

It feels Dark and dangerousand I don't know if I can control it.

Is this what you felt? This feeling of power?

It's addicting, I feel like I could do anything, I could be anything. I feel stronger than I have for a long time.

It scares me, Riku.

I don't know what I'm going to end up doing with it.

Love,

Sora

**********

April 16th, 2012

Dear Riku,

Merlin says that I'm in the "recovery stage". That I, and my Heart, are recovering from the effect that the Darkness had on me.

It's a bit of a learn-as-you-go process.

I guess... that no one else has ever made it out of the Darkness before. At least, not alive and sane. I asked Merlin about them and he didn't want to tell me. I made him tell me, made him tell me about those people who made it out before me, and I wish I hadn't. I wish that I didn't know.

The others, when they first came out, they seemed normal, they seemed untouched by the Darkness. They seemed like themselves. (And I seem like myself. At least mostly.)

But then, after a few weeks, or days, although sometimes it only took hours, they'd start to- to change. They'd become something more, and they'd loose their minds completely.

It changed their minds, and it twisted their memories so that they turned on everyone they knew.

Merlin says that being in the Darkness changed them, on the inside, changed whatever power, they had, whatever Lightness or Darkness, to something that it could manipulate. Something that it could change, and use to turn them into weapons.

And that's what they became, weapons, mindless soldiers of the Darkness, creatures with no conscience, no feelings, and Merlin says that at that point they were more like Heartless than anything else.

He said that they were the perfect soldiers.

And Merlin told me that they killed each and everyone of the people who had escaped the Darkness.

Except one.

Of all the people who escaped, the only person who is known to have survived it, and not lost all of his mind, is Cloud.

I guess that explains the Darkness I always felt around him.

But I'm not like Cloud, Cloud is strong, but I don't think that I am.

Now I know why my mind is so messed up.

Now I know why everyone's watching me. They're waiting for me to- to change like those people before me.

Everyone is watching me, and I think that they're expecting me to survive, to keep my head firmly on my shoulders when the time comes and the Darkness trys to turn me into one of it's minions. They think that I won't change

But Riku, I think that I already am.

Love,

Sora

**********

April 17, 2012

Dear Riku,

I've been wondering a lot about something. In the Darkness, when I first ended up there, you told me that it was safe, you told me that everything would be okay. But it wasn't, and something happened and it wasn't safe anymore.

And I've been wondering... Did you lie to me when you told me that? Or did you honestly not know? Did you somehow think that it was safe in the Darkness? Did you honestly think that everything would be okay?

I want to blame you.

I want to blame someone, anyone, for letting it happen but that just makes me feel guilty because the only one I have to blame is myself.

I let them die, because I wasn't strong enough.

Sometimes, I'll catch Kairi looking at me. She'll have this look in her eyes, and I don't know what it is. I can't place it, but I know it's not good.

I think that she blames me for not being who she thought I was.

But that's okay, because I blame me too.

She also blames you, a little, and I don't blame her for it.

I don't know what to think.

I don't want to believe it, I don't want to believe that you were the one to open Destiny Islands, but a part of me, a part of me that's getting bigger and bigger with each day that passes, wonders if maybe you did. Maybe you did open the world and I'm just in denial, and maybe I need to wake up and face reality.

Maybe you're not who I thought that you were.

Something strange is happening here, Riku

Sometimes... when I walk into a room, people stop talking, and then. they'll look wary, like they had been talking about something that they don't want me to know.

Everyone is hiding something and I don't know what to believe anymore.

Love,

Sora

**********

April 18th, 2012

Dear Riku,

"Riku's

fault.

Riku's fault. 

It was all his fault."

That's what people have been telling me. That's the only thing that I can think of. That's the only thing I'm wondering about.

I can't help but wonder if it really was you.

I can't help but wonder... If you're really capable of something like that, I just never saw it before.

I'm starting to doubt... everything.

It's frightening, really. There's no doubt that it's the Darkness that's doing it. I can, I swear that sometimes, when it's quiet and I'm alone, which is rare these days, I can hear it, hissing, in my mind. And it's so Dark and so Cold and I don't know what to do about it and I don't think that anyone else does either.

I'm scared, and I know that it sounds childish to say, but I am.

I'm scared.

And I miss you.

Love,

Sora

**********

April 19th, 2012

Dear Riku,

Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better if I had never left the Darkness. I... I could be with you and I wouldn't have to deal with any of this.

I was right, Riku. I was so right.

They've been keeping everything from me.

It seems like... when we went home, while we were playing out our lives and trying to pretend nothing happened while we had been away, everything happened.

The worlds fell apart, Riku.

Almost everywhere, is just gone.

I didn't think that so much could have happened in two years, but it did.

They told me that it started just after we went home, and it started in the worlds with no magic, with no Keyblades and no knowledge of Light and Dark.

Then they moved to the worlds that had magic, had Light and Dark, and it destroyed them too.

It was the Heartless. They just... killed everyone. It would have been like Destiny Islands only worse because they had no one to protect them.

Leon and Cloud have visited the worlds, the ones that hadn't been completely obliterated, just to see. And the looks on their faces when I asked them about it, it was just grim. There's nothing left, they said. It's all gone, they said.

They're all dead.

They said.

I made them, I made them tell me what they were trying to hide but now I wish I hadn't.

And now... I can feel it in me, it, the Darkness and it wants something from me and it wants to give me something to make me more.

Sometimes, when I'm alone, it will give me a taste and it's addicting.

I could be a god.

I could be anything, I could be everything, and it's tempting and awful, and I like it.

Is this what you felt, Riku?

Like you could be anything, do anything.

It's... intoxicating.

And I love it.

-Sora


	12. Part Twelve

April 20th, 2012

Dear Riku.

Traverse Town is one of the only safe places left, I guess. Every once in a while, people will turn up here like Kairi did, untouched by Darkness, saved by the Light in their Hearts.

I... I saw what happens to the people who escape the Darkness like I did.

I saw someone, a girl, go insane and just... loose control. I don't even know her name and I don't think that anyone did, or does. She had just woken up here yesterday. Aqua could have been the one to help her leave, and that's a good thought, a nice thought.

But today, when I was at Merlin's getting him to test the levels of Darkness in my Heart, she was there too. Cloud was explaining to her what had happened, and how she could stay in control.

But she didn't, she just snapped and it was like something explodedin her, and it was surrounding her and Riku I've never been more scared in my life. It was shadows, inky black-blue, and I saw red, red eyes and claws just like the ones that hurt you, except these were just blending together like it was only one huge creature.

And I could feel it calling to me, wanting to pull myself into the power, and it could give me everything and nothing.

But it tore her apart, it ripped her body to shreds and when it was over, and the Darkness had left, you couldn't even tell that she had been human, that she had been alive.

Merlin says that her Heart wasn't strong enough to withstain the influx of Dark power. He said that's why she died.

He said that normally it's slower, that normally they have to finish them off, because once the Darkness leaves, they're still alive, and they're still ripped to shreds.

Merlin says that normally, they try to kill them before it gets to that stage.

And I can't help but wonder... Is that what's going to happen me? Am I going to be ripped apart like that?

Is that's what's inside of me?

Am I going to die, Riku?

-Sora

**********

April 21st, 2012

Dear Riku,

I've been avoiding seeing Merlin. After what happened, with that girl, I don't want to see him just for him to say that it may or may not happen to me because right now all I can do is wait and hope that this power inside me won't destroy me or anyone else.

I've been trying to put my memories back in order, figure out what's real and what's not, and figure out what exactly the Darkness did to me.

I've been trying to learn all that I can about what happened while we were home.

We missed everything, Riku. We missed the worlds falling apart.

Kairi seems to know most of it, she's been here ever since the Darkness swallowed Destiny Islands, she woke up here about a month ago. She's been trying to learn as much as she can too.

We've been talking to everyone we can, trying to get caught up about everything.

There are people here, from other worlds that have been... obliterated, and they can tell us their stories. It's interesting, it seems like all of the worlds, it started like it did on Destiny Islands, the Heartless appeared first, and began to multiply by killing people.

It happened the same everywhere, Heartless after Heartless would invade and kill people. And after a while, once there was only a few lucky people left alive, Darkness would completely swallow the world whole.

It's almost like it was selecting who to kill. It's almost like it's choosing who's stongest, who could survive, and letting them live.

Some of the people we've talked to, they're from worlds with no magic, no Keyblades, no Darkness, no Light, no nothing. Maybe it's true; that saying, that ignorance really is bliss because these people are so pure, they're untouched by Darkness and untouched by Light.

It's strange, how much purer they are than any of us.

And it's strange how unpure all of us are.

From,

Sora

**********

April 22nd, 2012

Dear Riku,

I think I'm starting to get a grip on everything. I don't feel like I'm going to shatter anymore.

I've been working on what Cloud told me to do to suppress the Darkness and keep it from destroying me. Think Light thoughts.

Interesting how you, Aqua and now Cloud, you've all told me that.

Maybe that means it can actually work.

It only works part of the time. Sometimes, I'll feel fine, I won't feel the Darkness at all, and then I'll just feel like I'll go crazy because it's in my mind and it's pushing and pulling and trying to dosomething.

It's nice, I guess.

Kairi still looks worried whenever she looks at me, but now she seems almost guilty, and I don't know why.

Everything just seems to be moving so fast, and it's all I can do to try and keep caught up so I'm not left behind.

Cloud and Leon have been going to all of the worlds that they can, documenting which have been... obliterated, and which are still functional.

No one has seen or heard from any of the Princess' of Heart since it all began.

I think that everyone here is preparing for something that I don't know about. I guess... I still feel like people are hiding something from me, and I still have that bad feeling that never goes away.

I'm sure it's just paranoia. At least, I hope that it is. It's making me worry.

From,

Sora

**********

April 23rd, 2012

Dear Riku,

I want to help, somehow, I want to help everyone but I don't know how to.

I went with Leon and Cloud on a gummi ship to explore more of the worlds that had been overrun with Heartless. I went because I wanted to help, but there was no one to help. We went to two worlds, Wonderland and a place called London*. London... they had no magic and no defences. It was a dead zone, the ground in places was torn up, like by claws, and there were buildings that looked like they had exploded from the inside out.

We found bodies, Riku. Bodies of people who hadn't become Heartless but had died as people tried to save themselves. But I guess... it would be better to be dead than to be a Heartless.

The Heartless had already left, they were gone, and they left behind a dead world. There was no sun. It wasn't like Twilight Town, because the everlasting twilight there was somehow warm, this was just grey. Empty.

There was nothing left.

Wonderland was just more of the same, only worse because I had met some of the people there. It was a dead world. Alice... she was from Wonderland, but there was no sign of her.

She was a Princess of Heart. And she's just... gone. She wasn't there, and we have no way of knowing if she managed to escape, if she was killed by the Heartless or if the Darkness swallowed her whole.

When we got back, I felt shaky. I felt the Darkness in me stronger than before. But I didn't loose myself in it, even though it was tempting. I pushed it down by thinking Light thoughts.

Light thoughts are of home, of Destiny Islands.

I don't even want to know what they look like now, what home looks like. Just like those horrible dead worlds.

That's what they're calling them, "Dead Worlds", and Merlin has a list of all the worlds he knows, and as Leon and Cloud go see which haven't been touched by Darkness, he crosses them off one by one, the one's that he knows are gone.

No one has heard from Disney Castle or King Mickey for almost a year. A year ago was when they lost contact with everyone there.

It feels like the end of the worlds, Riku.

It feels like the Darkness is preparing for a war.

From,

Sora

**********

April 24th, 2012

Dear Riku,

Merlin is doing... tests on me.

Something bad happened yesterday, Riku, and Kairi almost died.

She's in the hospital because of me.

A Heartless was here, and if that's not bad enough that there was a Heartless here in the last safe place, it went after Kairi.

I tried, I swear I tried to summon a Keyblade to safe her but it... backfired.

The place the Keyblades come from is Light, but I guess that part of me isn't Light anymore and all I summoned was Darkness.

I couldn't control it, it was so powerful and it had just been waiting for me to let it out so that it could hurt people, taint them with Darkness too. It lashed out like a weapon, and it touched her and she just collapsed.

If Cloud hadn't followed the feeling of Darkness he had gotten, Kairi would probably be dead. As it is, she's in the hospital because I hurt her.

I think that the Keyblades really have abandoned me.

In the Darkness, I had thought that the reason I couldn't reach them was because I was surrounded by Darkness but now I'm starting to think that it's me, that it's the Darkness in me, and that I'm not... worthy of them anymore.

It's just so... unfair. I was supposed to be the Hero, I was supposed to save everyone, that's why Aqua helped me escape the Darkness, but I can't help anyone, I couldn't save Kairi, I hurt her instead.

It's not fair that we always get the short straw and it's not fair that everything is falling apart again and I can't stop it.

I used to think that if you were here, you would smile bitterly and say that life isn't fair, but I don't kmow if you would because I don't know all of you anymore and that's not fair either.

You once said that everything comes with a price, and at the time I didn't believe you. I still thought the best things in life were free, but I don't believe that anymore because I don't believe anything anymore.

I'm loosing faith in everything, and I'm loosing faith in you.

From,

Sora

**********

April 25th, 2012

Dear Riku,

I know that I've said before that sometimes it felt like Kairi would forget that I'm not infallible, but I guess that it goes both ways, and sometimes I forget that Kairi's just as young as me, she's just human like me.

She won't wake up, Riku. I did something to her, lashed out, somehow, with the Darkness and it touched her and it hurt her. It did something to her soul, or her Heart, something, and now she won't wake up. She's in some sort of coma, and everyone says that there's nothing they can do to help, nothing they can do to fix it, and that she's not going to wake up unless she manages to get the Darkness out on her own.

It was... impossibly easy to lash out like I did, so easy to let the Darkness lash out like it did, and I didn't stop it, I couldn'tstop it.

How did you ever manage to control it? How did you ever manage to keep it from hurting everyone?

I'm starting to understand what you told me about the Darkness.

When we found Destiny Islands again, I stopped asking you about the Darkness when I realized that you weren't going to tell me anything. But I remember... the one time you did answer, you told me that it never lets you go.

You told me that it digs it's claws into you, and that it twists everything you think.

You told me that it keeps it's control on you, always, and that even if you manage to keep it from burning everything away, you'll always know that it's there. Watching. Waiting.

Stronger than you, better than you. You'll know that the feeling of control, the feeling that maybe you can keep it from hurting anyone, that it's an illusion, that it can take that control back at any moment, and it knew that, it knew that it was stronger than you, and it knew that you were weak.

I didn't understand at the time, when you first told me. I didn't understand why you looked like you had lost all hope, and I didn't understand why you took so long to tell me that. I didn't understand the feeling you told me about.

I think... that I'm starting to understand it, starting to understand the reason that sometimes you'd look so helpless.

I'm starting to understand why you hated to be weak.

I hurt Kairi, and she won't wake up.

And I can't help her, just like you couldn't help me.

And I hate that I'm even wondering, but was it the Darkness that did it? Made you open Destiny Islands?

If it was... I think that I can understand that a little bit more.

I think that I understand that even you, your willpower, it's nothing when compared to the Darkness.

From,

Sora

**********

April 26th, 2012

Dear Riku,

Kairi is still sleeping.

It hasn't sven been a week yet, that she's been in this coma, but it feels like a lot longer than a few days. Merlin says that it's normal to take up to a month, but it's still unnerving to sit next to her, in this coma.

Sitting here, it feels like time passes slower than it normally does, as I wait for her to wake up.

In the hospital, like it was an accident, a normal-person accident like a car crash or a fall, not... what I did.

I'm trying to control the Darkness, trying even harder than I was before.

The longer that Kairi stays in this coma, the more I wonder what I'd do if I lashed out like that again. I wonder how long they would be in a coma, or if it would put themin a coma or simply kill them.

It's all guesswork, not like I could ask Merlin, "Hey, if I hurt someone with the Darkness that I can't control, would they go into a coma or just die right away?"

Not exactly a good conversation starter.

Also not a good way to keep myself alive and free.

They might put me in a... Darkness-proof room. Merlin built one to study Darkness in, to protect the people outside if something went wrong.

For now I'll just try, and try harder to control it.

The longer I sit here, the more guilty I feel about what I did to Kairi, which just makes me want to form control over the Darkness faster than I am right now.

If it keeps me working, keeps me motivated, I guess that it's not a bad thing for me to stay here with her.

It's harder now, the Darkness gets stronger to match whatever control I form, which puts me back where I started.

It's getting very strong, and it fights me so much when it wants to lash out and I don't let it, fights back.

It didn't used to fight back, at least not this much. Getting stronger, and fighting back, it makes me worry what it'll do next.

Makes me wonder just how strong it can really get, how much longer I cam control it if it's just going to keep getting stronger like it has been.

It's... worrying.

I don't know how to stop it.

From,

Sora

**********

**Interlude XXXXI : _I'll Meet You At the Bottom_**

It's been quiet here, ever since Sora left.

_Left_

. That doesn't say what it really is to leave this place, it's too simple to just say that he " _left_ " here.

He _escaped_. He escaped, to another, lesser evil.

Dealing with the aftermath that being here leaves in your Heart, your Soul.

I remember it... I remember how hard it was to push that feeling down and put on a mask that looked like I used to, to pretend that everything is fine and that I was... normal.

I wonder if it's the same for Sora, or if it's easier. He's brighter than me, has more Light in him, and it burns like a star, beautiful, brilliant.

He's amazing.

He brought something different here, something less Dark, more bright, he was... sound, of a kind, he brought something with him that wasn't silence so quiet that it's loud.

It pounds in your ears like your heartbeat, swallowing up every single small sound, shockingly _huge_. Shrieking and silent at the same time, somehow.

But Sora, he brought something better than this with him, and he made me realize just how... awful it is here. How silent, and Dark.

It's horrible that I had been here for so long, that I had gotten used to the silence, gotten used to the Darkness, that it just seemed normal, didn't seem Dark, just seemed like... life.

Life for people in the Darkness. Punishment. Penance.

Now, it's silent again.

Sora escaped and took all of his Light with him, just left behind the memory of it, the memory of how bright and wonderful he was, how much he changed this place.

It's lost what little Light that he had brought with him when he came here.

He was so bright, his Light, he burned away the Darkness so that it was almost Light around him. It made me feel warm, made me feel safe, because it was Sora, and he was, he is, so bright, so warm and good, and I love him.

I love him so much that sometimes, like right now, it hurts.

And I miss him so much now that he's not here anymore.

I don't remember it being this bad when I first came to the Darkness, a long time ago. Maybe that's because the first time, I made the choice to leave. I knew what I was doing, leaving you, I had time to prepare for it.

I had time to get used to the idea of living without you, living without your Light. I took my time, I lingered in the Light to watch you for a long time, I watched you until the door to the Light closed.

But by the time it did... I was ready. I was used to the idea of living without you, and I had your Heart to keep me warm. Your Heart kept me from falling further from here. It kept me safe, kept me warm and it was like having a little piece of you with me, which I guess that it was.

It was a piece of your Heart, and that piece, it kept me warm for a long time.

But your Heart isn't as warm anymore, not as Light. You changed so much while I was here, away from you, and your Heart changed too.

When you were here, it was Light again. I felt... warm again. Safe. You brought that feeling with you, because that feeling _was_ you.

But then... you left. I wanted you to, you needed to, but when I told you to leave without me, when I told you to leave me behind, I didn't realize just how much it would affect me.

You left and took away your Light. You took away you goodness, and your warmth.

It doesn't feel safe anymore, I don't feel safe here.

I miss you, Sora.

And I'll wait for you.

I promised.

**********

**Interlude XXXXII : _Apocalypse_**

It's Dark here, I don't recognize this place at all.

I remember... Sora. In Traverse Town, we were... together again. But he... he had Darkness in him, I could feel it whenever I was anywhere close to him, just... radiating off of his skin, like heat off of a fire. But he was still him, and that was a relief.

But being together again, it was... strange. Off somehow. Almost like I wasn't the same, or maybe he wasn't and I just didn't notice.

I remember... that he hurt me. He did something with the Darkness in his Heart, and he hurt me.

It was so _painful_ , all over, it felt like what I would imagine being burned alive would feel like. Every sense on fire, every piece of skin burning. I remember opening my eyes, and being surprised that there wasn't any flames, wasn't any smoke.

It was a surprise that I wasn't really burning, that it was... all in my mind, I guess.

But it felt so... real. Burning, it felt real, it hurt so much.

If I close my eyes now, I can almost feel it still, the memory of it almost as painful as the real thing. Even now, I can almost feel the... _echo_ of it on the surface of my skin, burning, hurting.

And... and Sora did that, didn't he?

I don't think that he... actually wanted to, I don't think that he wanted to hurt me. I think that it was the Darkness that hurt me, the Darkness in him.

And I'm... _here_ , now. Wherever here is. It's Dark here, and strange here.

It doesn't feel... right. Doesn't feel like anywhere else I've been.

It feels _wrong_ , bad, I don't like it, I don't like how it feels, how I can feel the Darkness here just like I could on Sora's skin.

Could this be... the Darkness? Am I in the Darkness?

Maybe... I was right. Maybe... there was, maybe there is Darkness in my Heart. Maybe that's how I could get here, after what Sora did.

Maybe he just gave me a push. Maybe that's all I needed to get here.

That's a scary thought. That I was so close, that I just needed that little bit to get here.

It's quiet.

It's a nice change, Traverse Town is so loud lately, so many people. People from other world who woke up there, people that Leon and Cloud being back with them, lots of people, from all the different worlds.

But it's not like that here, it's quiet.

Sora told me something about the Darkness, that it was... quiet. He said that it was almost... peaceful.

It's almost peaceful here.

I guess... that I'm in the Darkness.

I guess that I'm going to be here for quite a while.

**********

April 29th, 2012

Dear Riku,

Kairi's still sleeping.

Merlin says that there isn't as much Darkness in her Heart, but he says that it'll be a while before she finds her way out.

It's taking so long, and I can't help but worry that she's never going to wake up.

I'm so worried, and I feel so guilty for doing this to her. I hurt her, I put her into the coma, and even if I wasn't trying to hurt her, even if I didn't want to, I still did this. I'm still, it's still dangerous for her, and everyone else to be around me.

I think that I'm starting to realize why it was the better option to kill the people who had been infected with Darkness before it could hurt anyone, before it could change them until they didn't even care that they were hurting people.

I'm starting to realize why people look so wary around me, edgy, like they're expecting me to just... snap, at any moment, expecting that any minute now, this... act of me being the least bit in control, will shatter into a million pieces.

I'm starting to realize that it's true. That I could snap, any minute now, I could... stop holding back the Darkness. I could just... let go. And let it destroy Traverse Town completely, let it burn it to the ground, and you know what?

It's not even looking like such a bad option anymore.

It's looking... more and more tempting with every minute that passes, as I sit here next to Kairi's hospital bed, watching her and knowing that I did this.

The quiet sounds of the hospital moving around me seem to say: Your fault. You hurt her. You did this.

And the worst part is that it's true.

I can... feel it, inside of me, the Darkness. It's getting stronger and stronger, and it's all I can do to hold it back, and I don't know how much longer I will.

I... I don't want to hold on like this anymore, and I've started to wonder, is it even worth it?

Riku, is it even worth it to keep pretending that everything will be resolved? That Kairi will be fine, and I'll find you, and together we'll find Destiny Islands again and be happy.

I'm starting to wonder... Is that even achieveable anymore? We've all lost so much, our families, our friends, and we have all changed so much, can we even go back to being the three musketeers sitting in your paopu tree anymore? Or have we changed so much, that we can't anymore?

Have we become different people?

I... I think that we have.

I don't know you anymore, the Darkness... it changed you. And I don't think that I know Kairi, she changed too, she grew up some time along the way, when I wasn't watching close enough to notice.

I know that if I were to look in a mirror, I wouldn't know me. I don't know who I am anymore.

Riku, is it even worth it?

With so many unknowns, so many guesses to make, with so much changed, can we be those people anymore?

Or have we changed so much... that we aren't them anymore?

Is it even worth it to keep holding back the Darkness, prolonging the inevitable?

Or should I just... let go?

Let the Darkness flatten this place with its power, just for the chance that maybe, just maybe, I'll see you again.

But even that doesn't seem so appealing anymore, not now that I've realized just how much changed over time. How much you changed, and how much I changed, and how the much worlds all changed around us.

Riku... I don't think that I know who I am anymore.

I don't think that my Heart has any Light left at all.

From,

Sora


	13. Part Thirteen

**Interlude XXXXIII : _Learning to Fall_**

I'm in the Darkness again. It's strange how welcoming it feels.

I walked for hours, days, I lost track of how long, and I left the grey area that I had ended up in when Sora left and... changed something. On one side, it got Darker, and on the other, it got Lighter. I left that place.

I'm back in the Darkness.

I wasn't brave enough to try going into the Light. I wasn't brave enough to try, and possibly end up... dying. Dead. At least be more dead than I already am here in the Darkness.

If I had gone to the Light, and I had gotten to the real world, what would be left for me? From what I learned from Riku, a long time passed while I was here. Would any of my friends still be alive? Did they even survive? The worlds have found a new savior in Sora.

I've been here so long...

The Darkness has become a home to me. An unwelcoming, depressing home, but a home nonetheless.

A place where I can help people, help them find their way out.

I guess... that's what I'll do. I guess that's my task. Since I can't help the people who are in the Light, in the real world, I can help the people who end up here, in the Darkness.

When I crossed back into the Darkness, I turned back, just once, to look, so that maybe I could remember where that grey place was, even though the Darkness would never let me find it again unless it wanted me to.

But it wasn't there. I don't know if the Darkness changed something, moved me farther away in that instant I turned to look, or if maybe... it never existed at all.

It was strange, that inbetween place. It wasn't Dark, and it wasn't Light. It was just... grey.

_Nothing_

.

The Darkness is better than that, it's a little bit more than that grey place, more substance.

That grey place, nothing felt real.

And maybe it really wasn't real.

Maybe it was all just a dream.

When Sora left here, he changed something. It made me end up there, and it changed something more than that, something that I just can't see yet.

The Darkness didn't like him, I know that. It... did something to Riku, did something with those shadows, and it _changed_ him, just like Sora changed the Darkness. It changed him to make Sora leave.

And Sora is gone now, he left for someplace better.

I left the grey place, I'm back in the Darkness.

I guess... that nothing really changed.

I guess that everything is the same, and I guess that it will be forever.

I think that I'll be here forever.

And it's not such a bad thing, not anymore. I'll help people find their way out. I'll save them if I can't save me.

And I don't mind anymore.

Something changed when Sora left, and now, I think that I know what did.

This place is my home now.

This place is where I'm meant to be.

**********

**Interlude XXXXIV : _What Would You Say_**

Something has changed again, something has shifted in the atmosphere in the Darkness, and I can feel it.

The air, it almost feels... heavier. More dense, almost harder move, but not quite. It's strange. Even you didn't change that much when you were here.

This feeling... it's odd.

The silence that was here, it's not as... hungry as it was. It doesn't suck in all the sound, it's more... soft.

Strange.

The change, it feels almost like the change that happened just before Sora left. Just before everything went... wrong. With the... shadows and... pain, and Sora left.

It's a little fuzzy, that day when Sora left.

But I remember that I promised him I'd wait for him.

Strange. I think that he believed me.

But something has changed, the Darkness has changed and that in itself is... worrying.

I think that someone new is here. Someone who hasn't been here before, someone who still has Light in their Heart. I think that's what I'm feeling.

They still have a chance of escaping without too much of a scar left on their Soul. But it will still leave a mark, it always does.

But something changed after he left, just a little while ago, something... shifted, like it did just before Sora left. Someone's here, someone new.

I'm looking for them. Maybe... I can be like Aqua, maybe I can help them escape. And if I can't, maybe I'll help them find Aqua, and she'll help them escape here. I can help _them_ , even if I can't help myself.

I haven't seen Aqua since those last moments with those shadows. I haven't seen anyone.

I'm close to the new person, I know that I am, I'm close, I can feel the difference that they've brought with them, a little bit like what Sora brought.

Any difference, any change here is welcome, anything other than monotony for eternity.

It's... a girl. I know her, somehow, from before. She was... my friend...

I knew her.

I _know_ her.

" _Kairi_."

**********

**Interlude XXXXV : _Take Me to Infinity_**

" _Kairi_ ," he whispers, standing two feet away, silver hair glowing, a lamp in the Darkness.

"You shouldn't be here," he says, disbelieving. (Horrified.)

Because she was a Princess of Heart, wasn't she? No Darkness in her Heart. Safe from ever coming here. _Lucky_. (But Kairi is no longer so sure that she really is a Princess of Heart anymore. She isn't so sure that she went unscathed by the Darkness when it swallowed up Destiny Islands. Isn't so sure that she's so Light anymore.)

And he's _Riku_ , so much the same person that vanished off of Destiny Islands two years ago, that Kairi wonders if she still looks that young, or if Riku _really_ didn't change at all over those two years.

"Why are you here?" she blurts, staring at him in something close to shock, the most emotion she's felt since she woke up here.

He looks the same, same eyes, same, hair, same face. He's _Riku_. He hasn't changed.

She wonders if maybe he didn't age at all, and she wonders how long it would take for the never-changing nature of the Darkness to drive her insane. (She wonders if maybe it already has.)

He gives her a dry, sarcastic smile, and doesn't move, staying just out of her reach, and he knows that she wants to reach out and grab him and _hug_ him, but he won't let her get close enough to touch.

"You shouldn't be here." A reiteration, because he doesn't understand, doesn't get why everything that he's known for more than two years is changing so _fast_.

Doesn't get why it's changing now, why it took so long for it to start.

Kairi's mouth moves without making any sound as she stares at him, eyes wide and she's changed too, lost that baby fat on her cheeks, she's grown up while he's been here. (Or maybe she changed while he was still there, and he was too caught up in _Sora_ to notice anything or anyone else.)

"Riku." She looks tempted to reach out, tempted to see if he's real, and Riku knows the feeling, felt it when he first saw Sora in the Darkness.

When he speaks again, it's in a mild, almost disconnected tone, "You should tell him about angel."

(He knew, somehow, he knew, and Kairi is _terrified_ of this, she wonders just how much he knows.)

Kairi breathes in sharply, not a gasp, she's too still, too frozen for it to be a gasp. "You know." And the way she says it, it's not a question because both of them already know the answer.

Riku sighs and turns back to the never-ending black ocean in front of them, the black water lapping close to their feet. "You can't keep a secret forever, you know."

When Kairi smiles, it has an edge of something bitter and sharp underneath, the words just a reminder of what she had known of Riku and Sora, what they hadn't been brave enough to tell her, but what she had known nonetheless. "Yeah, I know," she murmurs.

Pretty little secrets and lies, lies, lies, and is that really what the three of them had built their friendship on? Deception, betrayal and fake-smiles?

Sora and Kairi knew how to smile even when they felt like they were breaking inside.

Riku always did know how to lie flawlessly, and Sora had learned how because he needed to know how to pretend.

Kairi knew how to keep a secret, how to stay quiet when she knew something that no one else did, and Riku did too.

All three of them know how to give up on another to save their own life.

All three of them had, at some point, given up on someone to save themself.

All three of them are, first and foremost, loyal to their own person.

All three of them are selfish in their own way.

All three of them have Darkness in their Hearts.

And all three of them are loosing everything that they used to be.

**********

May 3rd, 2012

Dear Riku,

I'm loosing my grip on everything.

The Darkness, if I'm not paying attention, when I'm not watching, it'll start to flicker at my fingertips, little shadows that shift around, they squirm at my fingers, and they suck in any and all Light close by.

It'll happen when I'm not focusing, I might be day-dreaming, or watching Kairi, waiting for a change in her that never comes, and when I look down, there will be that Darkness at my fingers, staining my hands with inky black.

I'm scared to even sleep now, since I don't know how much would happen when I'm asleep and not paying attention to holding it back. Don't know how much damage I'll do when I'm not concentrating.

I've been... day-dreaming a lot too, but they don't feel like day-dreams. They feel more real than that.

I've been dreaming about everything, you, Kairi, the Darkness, my time away from both of you with Donald and Goofy. Everything.

Fights I went through, people that I met, places I visited. Everything.

All of my memories, all mixed up and out of order, and they feel like they're changing as I day-dream, changing as I watch them because they don't feel exactly like I remembered them. They feel odd, too soft and too hard at the same time. Too bright and too Dark at the same time.

Just... wrong.

I feel like there's something in my head, and I don't think that it's just me imagining it, I think that there really is something in my head. And it's changing something, twisting my memories, my thoughts.

It's changing me.

It's trying to change... the way that I think, the way that I feel about you, the way that I feel about Kairi.

I've noticed, that Kairi keeps the feeling away a little bit, keeps the Darkness, or what ever is in my mind, from warping very much, keeps it away from my Lightest memories, my Lightest thoughts.

Instead, I'll just day-dream, get distracted and when I focus again, there will be that Darkness on my fingers.

It looks like flames, cold, black flames. They don't burn, they aren't cold, they don't feel like anything except... deep.

Like they're just the tip of a huge iceburg. Like if I wanted to, I could pull on that pool of Darkness inside of me, and... be something powerful.

I think that I told you before, the other day, it's addicting, this feeling.

Tempting, makes me want to pull on that Darkness just so that I can get a chance to really feel that power, to really feel that strength.

I shouldn't be here, I'm too dangerous, too... unstable.

I'm going to hurt someone else like I hurt Kairi, and I'm scared that this time it won't put them into a coma.

I'm scared that it'll just kill the next person it lashes out at.

I'm scared of how many people I'm going to hurt.

From,

Sora

**********

**Interlude XXXXVI : _Do I Even Need to Say It_**

The water in front of them goes on for as far as they can see. Black with Darkness, because that's where they are.

"You can't keep a secret forever either, you know," Kairi says quietly, not looking at Riku because it hurts, he's too much the same person that she remembers, too unchanged and it just reminds her of how much _she_ changed.

Riku laughs, and it's just as quiet, Dark and dangerous with a razor-sharp edge that cuts deep.

"And how long have you known?" He's calm, darkly amused by her words because he knows exactly what she's talking about. Knows just what secret he kept close.

(Riku knows that he and Sora were never much good at sneaking around in the Dark together.)

Good at lying? Yes, Riku was very good at lying. Good at hiding? Not so much.

Kairi's close to tears when she speaks next, "Why didn't you tell me?" Shaky, less stable than she has been for a long time.

Betrayal always hurt more when it was someone you were close to, and Kairi can't think of two people that she's ever been more closely bonded to. ( _They never told her_ , they kept it a secret and Sora never breathed a word, not even after Riku disappeared and there was only the two of them left.)

"And why didn't you tell Sora?" Riku counters instantly, and it only makes Kairi hurt more because it's such a _Riku_ thing to say. He always knew what to say, what to do, good at lying, good at getting what he wanted. (But he didn't get what he wanted in the end, did he?)

"He'll hate me." She sure of this, and she loathes it, because she thinks that he really will, she thinks that he'll walk away for good once he knows the truth. (Once he knows how long she's been keeping such an world-shattering secret.)

Riku smiles, and it's sweeter, almost, it's honest, open, it's a different look for him, different from his usual smirk that could turn cruel in a heartbeat, and Kairi thinks that it's a welcome change.

"He could never hate you."

_But is that true anymore?_

Kairi wonders.

It used to be, it used to be true that Sora, his Heart, was incapable of hatred, but is it true anymore? Or would he really hate her now? Has he changed that much?

(Does Riku even know Sora anymore? Or have they both changed so much that they _can't_ know each other?)

She laughs, and it's more of a sob than anything, she's crying now, trying not to and failing. "How can you know that?"

It's not a question that he can answer with actual reasons, there is only one thing to say, one reason. (But is it even a true statement anymore?)

"Because he's Sora," he says, a touch of laughter in his voice, truth and honesty. It's not a lie. He really believes it.

He's not lying now, she knows this, and Kairi is starting to be able to see the changes in his voice when he lies, starting to see his tells.

_Because he's Sora._

(Those three words used to be enough of an answer in itself, but Kairi's not so sure that it's enough anymore.)

"Is that enough?"

It's not a question that Riku can answer at all, because he has no answer. (Because Riku is starting to wonder himself, starting to wonder if maybe Sora changed more than he saw.)

"Will the truth be enough?" he questions, and he desperately wants an answer. He wants to know that one constant has stayed the same for him, wants to know that even with everything changing so fast, that one thing stayed the same, even if nothing else did.

But Kairi doesn't know the answer. Everything changed for her too, everything is still changing, and she doesn't know what's true anymore.

Neither of them do.

The water hasn't moved, not since Kairi's been here, no tide, and it's just another thing that makes this place strange. Makes this place different.

Kairi gazes around, taking in all the Darkness, all the cold here. "How can you stand it?" she whispers, turning to him just to look at something that isn't completely Dark and icy. (Although he's getting close to that.)

Riku's hand moves to his chest, over his Heart. (He can't feel his heartbeat anymore, hasn't been able to for while, not since Sora left and took all the Light with him. Maybe he's really dead, now.)

"He gave me his Heart."

It would just be a romantic metaphor in any other world, but here, it's literal. He really did give Riku a piece of his Heart, not caring that it would take away a part of him, he gave it away to Riku because he loved him that much. He didn't even realize what he was doing, Riku didn't either. It just... happened.

(Kairi doesn't like the way something twists like a knife in her stomach, painful like the burning that brought her here but worse, because it's betrayal, and betrayal always hurts most when it's someone close to you. She doesn't like the way it reopens an old wound, something that had healed over after Riku disappeared again, but left a scar to keep her from truly forgetting.)

Riku turns away from her, breaking their eye contact to frown at the horizon at the edge of the black water. "You should leave before you get stuck here." No way of telling the time, but he still knows that she's been here for too long.

Any time in the Darkness is too long, but some people don't have a choice when it comes to staying or leaving.

And Kairi realizes that as he speaks, takes in the tense set of his shoulders, the way that the frown on his face looks like it's been there for a while.

"You're stuck here, aren't you?"

Riku smiles bitterly, and doesn't answer. That he's here, that he hasn't tried to leave for Sora's sake is enough of an answer.

"Tell Sora that I'm safe. Okay, Kairi?"

She nods, "I will."

They've come to an agreement of sorts, both of them realizing something at the same time.

They'll protect Sora as best they can, because Sora is their precious person, the most important to both of them.

And while it may have been true before, she doesn't love Riku anymore, not like that at least, not anymore because everything changed for them and Riku isn't the person who means the most to her anymore.

And she _loves_ Sora with all her Heart and she knows that Riku loves him too.

They'll keep him safe.

(Because Sora is the whole world.)

"It's time for you to wake up, Kairi," Riku says, eyes still on the horizon as if he's waiting for a sun to rise, but knows never will.

The edges of her vision start to blur as he turns back, crouching down in front of her to meet her eyes, his own worried and a tiny bit frightened.

"Take care of him."

Kairi manages to nod, the world becoming increasingly hard to see through the blurriness.

And she says again, "I will."

(But she really means, " _I promise_.")

**********

May 5th, 2012

Dear Riku,

I'm... slipping. My hold on the Darkness is slipping, and my grip on... reality itself is starting to slip too.

My memories are getting more and more scrambled, I'm getting more and more confused. My mind... it's not much my own anymore, the Darkness has changed so much, and it's still working, changing things.

My... my memories of you and Kairi haven't changed. But I can't even picture what my parents looked like, they're blurry, they could be anyone's parents, I have no details in my memories of them.

I remember Destiny Islands, and how... good it was there. Light and carefree. I remember... the Darkness, it destroyed it, didn't it?

If Kairi was awake, I could get her to confirm these things that aren't completely clear, but I wouldn't want to, wouldn't want to worry her any more than she already is.

I don't want anyone to know how much the Darkness is doing to me, because I'm worried that they'll decide that... killing me would be a better option, because I don't want to die yet.

I made you a promise in the Darkness, do you remember?

I remember. It's one thing that has stayed clear in my mind.

I promised that I'd come back for you.

But, Riku, it's starting to feel more and more like it's something that isn't achieveable, it's seeming like something that I can't do. An impossible goal.

The Darkness is so much stronger than it was just a few days ago, and it's still growing stronger.

I still have control, mostly, but who knows how long that will last.

Whenever I go into a day-dream, when the Darkness is changing things in my mind, the shadows that used to just be at my fingertips now covers most of my body, like a cloak, almost like a shield.

When I want it to, it goes away. But when I stop focusing on keeping it down, it comes back, covers me with that Darkness.

If anyone saw me like that, they'd kill me without a second thought. I wouldn't even blame them.

I'm... loosing control.

I don't sleep much anymore, the Darkness makes it too dangerous for me to sleep now. When I sleep... I let go of the Darkness, and it takes over, starts to manifest in those Dark flames.

I wonder if they'd burn down the town if I let them.

I wonder if they'd burn the people to ashes if I wanted them to.

I wonder how much longer I'm going to stay me.

From,

Sora

**********

April 6th, 2012

Dear Riku,

Do you ever think about why things happen?

Sometimes, it just seems like life always threw us more problems and conflicts than anyone else.

Which got me wondering... was it fate?

Was it fate that brought Kairi to Destiny Islands, and drew the three of us together more than anyone else? And was it fate for us to leave, for us to be separated and lost. Was it fate that made the Keyblade choose me and not you?

Was it fate for all of our efforts to find each other go completely wrong, made everything that we did harder than it would have been for everyone else. Is that why even when we found home again, we never, ever had a chance at chatching a break. You disappeared, you disappeared to the Darkness, and for anyone else, that wouldn't happen, wouldn't go downhill that fast and that badly.

Destiny Islands being destroyed, the Heartless, all of it. Was that fate?

Sometimes, all the time, it feels like the world likes to throw us more than anything else. It seems like our lives had to be more difficult.

Maybe fate is just an easy way to explain why things go wrong, maybe it's not real, just something that humans made up when they couldn't find an explanation.

Maybe blaming everything on fate is just a nicer way of saying that life isn't fair, because life isn't fair, and you knew that before I did.

But... Wasn't it my destiny to be the Keyblade master? Wasn't I the one who was supposed to save the worlds?

Maybe I never was, maybe destiny isn't real, and maybe you were right when you said that we make our own luck in life. We decide our own destiny. But I can't think of a reason why everything always went wrong for us.

I think that I liked it when I was the one who would be the Hero. I think that I liked the way it nade me feel... special, like I was different from everyone else, and that I could still blame it on fate when things didn't go my way.

But now I'm doubting everything.

And I'm starting to realize... that I was never anyone special, just someone who was in the right place at the right time for the Keyblade to choose me. And Destiny Islands being destroyed, that was just bad timing that everyone died. Would have happened eventually, with all the worlds slowly being swallowed with Darkness.

Me hurting Kairi, I can't even try to blame that on fate, even if I still believed I could. That was just my fault, my fault for not being strong enough to control it. My fault for not being able to stop it from hurting her.

My fault.

Anything that I used to blame on fate, or bad luck, it's not fate, not bad luck. Just life.

I'm not the Hero, I don't have any important destiny, I'm just someone who is never strong enough to save everyone. I'm just someone who wasn't strong enough to keep the Darkness out of my Heart.

Riku, you're just someone who's stuck in the Darkness. Kairi... well, who knows if she even really is a Princess of Heart, maybe that's just a fancy title for someone with enough Light in their Heart.

We're no one special.

We're just us.

From,

Sora

**********

May 7th, 2012

Dear Riku,

Kairi's hospital room has become what your paopu tree was back on Destiny Islands.

A sanctuary, somewhere to go to escape all the questions people ask me, all the staring. Whenever I leave, people stare at me. They're just waiting for me to snap, and it's awful.

I guess that I'm waiting for that too. Being near Kairi, remembering that I'm the one that hurt her, makes it a little easier to control the Darkness, but not much. It's still hard, still feels like the Darkness is just getting stronger.

Or maybe I'm just getting weaker. It wouldn't surprise me. I hardly sleep at all now, I'm too worried about what the Darkness will do when I'm dreaming to even think about sleeping.

Sometimes I wonder if Kairi will ever wake up. I wonder if maybe, whatever I did to her, damaged her Heart, or her Soul, enough that she's never going to wake up. And worse than that, I wonder if maybe it would be better if she never did.

Everything seems... so hopeless.

You're not here, you haven't been for years now. You, Riku, I don't even know if you're alive anymore. Kairi's here, but she might as well not be. She won't wake up. And me, I'm completely alone, even though I have people around me, they're not Kairi, they're not you.

I didn't realize before this, how much a part of my life Kairi is. She's so important to me, my rock. Something for me to depend on because you're not here.

You... I don't think that you're been part of my life for a while now. You haven't been what I've depended on.

Kairi is. But now she's not here, and I don't have anyone.

The Darkness, it makes everything seem hopeless. Makes nothing seem good.

You once told me that it twisted your thoughts, made them Dark. It's doing that to me now, twisting me, my thoughts. I've been trying to think Light thoughts, but it's hard. It's impossible to do when everything seems hopeless, when nothing seems Light.

The Darkness, it's doing something to Roxas too. Before, it was like he was sleeping. But now... it feels almost like he's waking up.

I don't know what to do. Riku, where are you?

Why aren't you here?

From,

Sora

**********

**Interlude XXXXVII : _Impossible_**

She won't meet his eyes, carefully avoiding even glancing anywhere near where he's sitting in a stiff, prange plastic chair, and the way that it seems so normal makes her want to cry.

Sora looks like he wants to cry, overwhelmed by guilt, overwhelmed by just everything that they had been through in such a short period of time that manages to feel like years.

"I'm so sorry," Kairi whispers, and her voice is trembling.

He's nervous, ready to bolt at any moment. (Knowing that the Darkness in his Heart is restless, wanting to hurt, to kill. Well, that would make anyone nervous.)

He watches her from where he sits in a stiff, plastic hospital room chair. He stares at her without speaking, waiting for her to drop whatever bomb she has first.

She shifts under his intense gaze. "I am so sorry," she whispers again, an apology for whatever she'll say next.

"Sora, I-" she stops, bites her lip as she stares at him, eyes dark with a type of bone deep sorrow. As she tries to speak again, her voice trembles, "I'm the one who opened Destiny Islands again."

For a moment all Sora can do is sit there, and stare at her in bewilderment. " _What_?" he whispers this, shock evident on his face.

Tears begin to run down Kairi's face as she reaches out, taking Sora's hand in both of hers. "Riku didn't let the Heartless in, Sora. I did."

A sort of awful dawning realization creeps up on him, as the pieces fall into place. "How?" he little more than breathes the word, as everything begins to make horrible sense.

"My- my Keyblade."

"You don't have a Keyblade," Sora says, and then winces at how callous that sounds. "Sorry."

Kairi holds out her hand, soon bathed in light, a bright white that is nearly blue. "I do now."

Sora stares, and for a moment he almost gets lost in the brightness of it, almost gets pulled in by the purity of it. It's white, like the light brought forth when she summoned it, and resembles a wing, an angel's wing with white feathers, edged razor sharp.

"It's called Angel as for Sin, and like your Keyblade closes the worlds, this one opens them." There is no pride in her voice.

She smiles, and it's bitter, and so sad. "I call her Angel."

The words start pouring out of her because now that she's started, she can't stop. "I wanted to find Riku, I wanted to find Riku and bring him home for us, and I had to open the world again to do that. When I unlocked the Keyhole, Heartless started coming in, there were so many of them and I couldn't do anything, they drove me away from the keyhole, and I couldn't get back to it that I could close it again. It's was like they had been waiting for the chance to get in."

She stops, takes a breath and raises her eyes from the ground to meet Sora's. The tears are falling faster now.

She's sincere in a way that almost makes it worse than if she felt no remorse at all. "I am so sorry, Sora."

**********

**Interlude XXXXVIII : _Early Mourning_**

Sora turns away from her, his control on the Darkness inside him is even more tremulous than before, and his hands shake with the effort it takes to keep it from exploding in a fit of anger. (He wonders how Riku managed to keep such a firm grip on his sanity.)

"I guess that's what Riku was talking about when he said to ask Kairi about Angel," he muses quietly and he looks up abruptly, eyes sharp.

"Why didn't you tell me before?" Sora's not crying, eye dry, he's gotten better at keeping things inside.

"Why didn't you ever tell me about you and Riku?" she fires back, words more bitter than she means for them to be, and Sora cringes away.

Sora doesn't want to answer, it pulls painful memories to the forefront of his mind, and he doesn't like the way his Heart hurts when he thinks of Riku.

Kairi wills the Keyblade away, and she brushes a few tears away, hating the way that her hands are shaking. "Riku didn't have an answer either."

Sora looks up, ocean blue eyes meeting blue like the sky. "He's alive?"

And Kairi snaps, sick of being the one who sat back and watched, kept everything inside and put everyone else back together.

" _Why can't you get over him_?"

Sora pulls back, doesn't notice ths Darkness flickering at his fingertips.

Kairi's crying harder now, not even trying to stop now. "Why can't you just _forget_ about him?"

Sora sometimes wonders that same thing, wonders why Riku is still the one he's waiting for, but it doesn't stop him from asking, "Is he okay?" he asks.

Kairi stares at him in disbelief. It's fueled by anger that she's never enough, fueled by anger that Sora only has eyes for Riku, and she says, "No. He's dead."

Riku's stuck in the Darkness, somewhere Sora can't go, and Kairi wants him to be happy again, wants them to be happy together, but he can't as long as there's a chance for him to be with Riku again. She wants him to stop holding onto that hope.

Sora's staring at her with wide eyes, not even breathing in the moment that it takes for the words to sink in.

"You're lying."

Kairi reaches out, wanting to comfort him, but he pulls away, the Darkness cloaking his whole body. "Sora-" she tries, but stops, staring at the shadows that move around him.

Sora's on his feet, backing away, more and more Darkness clinging to him. "You're lying."

(Kairi wonders for a moment if this was a mistake, but she pushes the thought away. She promised to protect him, but she can't do that if he wants to go off into the Darkness again. _This is the only way_ , she thinks. This is the _only_ way to keep him safe.)

"You're lying," Sora says again, backing away until his back is against the wall, and he looks panicked, trapped.

Kairi's eyes are fixed on the shadows around him, the one's that Sora doesn't notice.

"Riku's gone, Sora!" she says, and she knows that it's cruel, she regrets that the words are hurting him, but it's true.

Riku _is_ gone, he's hasn't been around for a long time, and even Sora knows this.

"No," Sora says, shaking his head violently.

Then he's gone, the sound of his footsteps echoing in the silence of the hospital as he runs, needs to get away, and in the back of his mind, he can hear Kairi calling after him and what sounds like Riku calling, too.

" _Sora_!"  



	14. Part Fourteen

May 10th, 2012

Dear Riku,

Kairi woke up yesterday.

I almost wish she hadn't, because she told me something that I don't want to know and I wish that I didn't know.

She... was the one to open Destiny Islands.

She was the one to let the Heartless in.

She has a Keyblade now, she says she got it when she made a wish on a star. She just wanted to get you back, Riku. She opened the world so that she could go find you.

She says that she did it for me. She said that she just wanted us all to be happy again.

Her Keyblade, it's called Angel as for Sin. It hurt my eyes and it hurts me because it just reminds me that I don't have one anymore.

She says that the Heartless had just been waiting, and when she opened it, they started rushing in.

She had been... sad when she found out that I had been hiding the fact that there were Heartless on Destiny Islands, but she knew the whole time.

We could have saved everyone. If she had told me, we might have been able to drive them out and lock the world again but she didn't tell me.

She knew, and she didn't tell me.

Riku, she feels so guilty, so guilty that it's almost worse than if she wasn't because when she looks at me, instead of her pitying me, she's apologizing.

But... it wasn't you. If she opened Destiny Islands, then it wasn't you. You didn't do it.

I was started to believe that you had.

Kairi has become an amazing actress, for her to have fooled me this whole time. Although, I did always wonder how she managed to smile so sincerely when everything looked bleak. Maybe that was how she learned.

Angel.

Ask Kairi about Angel.

You knew, didn't you?

But you didn't tell me.

Why didn't you tell me?

It had been so easy for me to believe that it had been you, easier than it was for me to believe that it was Kairi instead, and I'm still wondering... Would you have been capable of something like that?

I'm still thinking... I don't know you anymore.

And I don't know Kairi either.

Kairi said that you were dead, and I don't believe her. On Destiny Islands, when you first disappeared, after a while, people stopped waiting for you. They just... assumed that you were dead because it was easier than waiting abd never really knowing what happened..

But I never did, I never gave up on you.

You're not dead, Kairi's lying, you're not dead.

But when Kairi told me that you were, for a second, I did believe her.

And I felt relieved.

From,

Sora

**********

May 11th, 2012

Dear Riku,

I haven't talked to Kairi yet, I don't want to.

I've been thinking about what she said. I'm not even angry with her for not telling me about Angel, because it doesn't matter. Everyone from Destiny Islands is gone, and it doesn't matter whose fault it is. I guess that it's better that it's wasn't you.

But... I'm not so sure that it is better.

Maybe it would be better if it was you, maybe it would be better if I could hate you for that, instead of still waiting for you.

I wish that I could hate you. I have... more than enough reasons to, but I don't hate you. I wish that I did, wish that I could forget you.

Kairi asked me why I can't get over you. And I don't even have an answer, I don't know why I'm still holding onto your memory, because I don't even know if I'll be with you again.

When Kairi said that you were dead, I felt relieved.

I don't believe it, because you can't be dead. But I still felt relieved. I think that it would almost be better if I did believe it, because then, I could get over you.

I could hate you for dying. I could forget about you, and I wouldn't need to go back to the Darkness to find you.

Staying in Kairi's hospital room all the time kept me from noticing how everything else was falling apart around us. The worlds, they're all falling apart, the Darkness is taking over... everything. More and more worlds are known dead zones, places with no life, nothing.

It makes my problems seem smaller, less impossible. The Darkness in my Heart, it's less of a presence in my mind now. But I can feel Roxas, he's waking up and I'm getting more feelings from him. Maybe having two people in my head is pushing the Darkness away.

I don't want to even think about talking to Kairi again. I'm not angry at her, but I don't know to say to her.

Things are... different now.

Everything has changed.

And I don't know what to think anymore.

From,

Sora

**********

May 12th, 2012

Dear Riku,

Sometimes it feels like it's just one thing after another, that it will never end and that life, for us, for me, that nothing will ever just be simple and easy.

I've been dreaming. They don't feel like dreams, they feel like memories. Things that I've experienced before and don't remember. Memories, sort of distant like an old memory, but crystal clear, like I'm living them.

I think that they're Roxas' memories, of people and places that I've never been, and it's scaring me Riku, because I can feel him, can feel him pushing and trying to push me out of my own mind.

The dreams, they're intense, more vivid than any of the nightmares I had when we first came back to Destiny Islands. And that's saying a lot, because those nightmares, they could seem pretty real. Never as bad as yours were though, yours were always... horrible. And after you woke up, when you would come and find me, you'd never tell me what you had dreamed about, you'd just want to sit silently and listen to me talking, to me trying to comfort you.

I'd never know how to, I didn't know what you dreamed about, or how to make it better, how to make you feel better. I'd just talk... about nothing, about everything. Talking was easy around you, easy for me to put into words the way that I was feeling, even though it was impossible to tell anyone else the things that I would tell you.

And then we... forgot about Kairi.

I can't face her right now, not the way that I feel. I can't see her face and not think about her telling me that you were dead. She is an amazing liar, the way that she could say it without making it seem like a lie.

You once told me that the way to tell a believeable lie, was to start with the truth. That even if it was a bald-face lie, that it should have some measure of truth to make it believeable.

You told me that when I asked how we could be the only ones to know about us.

I think that Kairi, when she said that you were dead, I think that she wanted it to be true. For my sake, for her sake, even for your sake, that you were dead and that we could finally have some closure and move on.

I understand that, I can see how she's thinking, and I almost agree with her.

I almost wish that it was true too.

From,

Sora

**********

May 13th, 2012

Dear Riku,

I go out running now, running outside of Traverse Town just to get away from people, and noise. It's a good distraction, keeps me busy. When I'm running, focusing on what's in front of me, there's no time to focus on what's behind.

I guess that I kind if think that if I keep running, that maybe when I stop, the world won't be as bad as it is. When I'm running, the Darkness doesn't push at my mind as much. I can't feel Roxas as much either.

I guess that I'm trying to run away from Kairi, and just run away from everything.

In a way, no one's surprised that I've managed to surpress the Darkness in my Heart for so long, but it feels like they didn't expect for it to be this much of a struggle for me. Like they still expect for me to be the Keyblade wielder and someone who has Light.

People who I'd met before, anyone who knows me as a Keyblade wielder, they don't expect the Darkness to put up a fight against me. They think that Light is so much stronger than Darkness, because that's the way it's always seemed, but I'm not so sure. I'm not so sure if Light really is stronger, and if it is, it's not by much.

More people wake up in Traverse Town everyday as their worlds are destroyed by the Darkness. It's just a reminder that while things seem relatively stable here, everything is falling apart everywhere else.

I guess... that's my fault. My fault for not being there to protect them. I'm the Keyblade wielder, or, I was the Keyblade wielder. I was supposed to stop that from happening. I didn't though. I couldn't even stop Destiny Islands being from destroyed.

I wasn't strong enough.

I've been telling myself that I need to stop looking back, that it's the past and it's over, I can't change it. I keep telling myself that regretting things is useless because you can't change the past. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, right?

Look forward, keep moving forward, keep walking, keep going, keep living.

It's impossible. I can't help but regret things, can't help but wonder what if, what if Kairi told me about the Keyhole being open earlier, what if you never disappeared, what if someone else was the Keyblade wielder and what if we never had interesting and complex destinies.

What if we never left, if we just lived out mundane lives and never had anything go wrong.

What if. I can't help but dream of a time if you hadn't disappeared, if we were together.

But that's all they are, these thoughts, they're daydreams. Never going to happen, wondering won't change that Roxas is becoming more and more of a presence in my mind with every hour.

Won't change the fact that everything is going wrong.

Won't change that you're not here, and it won't change the fact that I'm not so sure that I even want you to be.

From,

Sora

**********

May 14th, 2012

Dear Riku,

These dreams that I've been having... they're odd.

Axel is in almost every one of them, he's like the focus of them. It's weird, the way that when I'm dreaming like this, I'm not me, not at all, I'm feeling what Roxas felt, I look like him, I think like him and I amhim.

They're so colorful and real, they feel so real that when I wake up, I almost forget that they're dreams. Or, memories. Whatever. They're not mine.

I think that when I'm dreaming, Roxas is remembering. I think that the reason I'm experiencing them is because he's going through his memories.

He was asleep before now, I know that he was. He was sleeping for years, and now he's waking up, now he's awake and I know that he's there, I can feel him. I can feel his emotions, and I can feel him, can feel him watching what I see, listening to what I hear.

It's unnerving, that there's an entirely different person in my mind, and that I don't know how much he can do. I haven't told anyone, not Merlin, not yet. Merlin is so busy as it is, as him and Cloud and Leon try to figure out how many worlds have been turned to dust.

I get the feeling that he doesn't like being in my mind, that he wants out and he wants more. I guess that I don't blame him, I wouldn't like to be trapped in someone's mind either.

He... he wasme, before, if it wasn't for me, he wouldn't exist. But, he isn't me anymore, he's someone else, he's his own person.

It's strange, that he was me but now he's not. Are there two people living in everyone? Two different sides of the same person, a Dark side and a Light side.

I wonder.

I don't know much about him, but I'm learning a little more through these dreams, his memories.

He wasn't me, I can hardly believe that he's my Nobody he was so different.

We're more similar now, I guess. I've changed, and I've become a little more like him. That's a scary thought, I can't help but wonder if my changing hasn't been all because of what happened, and if maybe he's been influencing me even while he was asleep.

He was... hardened, to bad things. He almost expected bad things, and he wasn't cheerful like me. He was cold, and he reminds me weirdly of you.

I told you that Axel was in almost every single one of these memories. A girl, Xion, she's in most of them too. They meant a lot to Roxas, and in a way they were like Kairi and you and me, the three musketeers.

And Axel, I... I think that he meant a lot to Roxas, more than just friends. The dynamic between the two of them, it feels like the way we were.

The way we were. I guess I'm thinking about us in the past tense now.

I guess that we are in the past.

From,

Sora

**********

May 15th, 2012

Dear Riku,

I spoke with Kairi today.

She was so busy apologizing that I could hardly get a word in. She didn't say that she had lied, she just apologized.

I guess that I could take that however I wanted to.

I forgave her. I couldn't not forgive her, she was so honest and truthful, I couldn't stay angry at her when she looks at me like that, so sad and ashamed that she had lied. And I understand why she did, I understand why she lied about you.

When she stopped saying sorry, and stopped crying, we started to talk about the way that things were before.

I wonder if all children see the world in black and white. When we were little, things were either or, no grey area, just black or white. Or as we know now, Light and Dark. Things were either good or bad, no middle ground. That was what our parents would teach us, that some things were bad, and some were good.

Maybe the idea of some things belonging to neither category was too complex for children's minds to understand, but that was what I believed for a long time. Things were simpler.

I believed that I was going to marry Kairi when we grew up, and that you and I would stay friends forever. My life was going to be two-dimentional, simple and easy, with none of what really happened.

Black and white, good and bad.

Nothing really is just one or the other, is it? Nothing is completely Light or Dark. Being in the Darkness taught me that.

And nothing is permanently Dark or Light, it can change and change again. Nothing is forever.

What you think is going to happen rarely does, life is... unexpected, it always does the opposite of what you think that it will.

Nothing is forever.

We said that we'd be together forever, when we were still the three musketeers, we said that we'd stay that way forever.

Nothing is permanent.

You wanted to live out your life with me, and I wanted that too.

Nothing lasts.

People change and worlds change, and life changes even more.

I used to think that things were black and white, I used to be able to predict what would happen.

I can't anymore.

I can feel Roxas trying to push me away and take over my body, I can feel his thoughts, can almost read them like words.

He's getting stronger the longer he's awake.

The Darkness has pulled away for now.

I'm starting to get used to living without you again.

And all of the things that I believed, all the things I thought were true, they've been proved wrong. I don't know what I should expect next.

I don't know what to believe.

From,

Sora

**********

May 16th, 2012

Dear Riku,

I've been dreaming a lot, sleeping a lot. Sometimes when I wake up, I can't even remember going to bed or falling asleep. It's odd.

And it's odd, experiencing the memories of another person. I'm not even sure if Roxas knows what he's doing, or if it's accidental, if he has no idea what he's doing.

I feel sorry for him. He... was me, and all everyone wanted from him was for him to come back to me so that I could wake up. I was asleep while he was awake. I guess that it's a bit ironic, that now our roles have been switched and I'm awake while he's asleep. Except he's not asleep anymore.

Roxas was like me. All he wanted was to be happy with his two friends, to be the three musketeers with his friends. That's all that I wanted, all I wanted was you.

He had the chance to run away and leave, to make a selfish choice and not become a part of me. He could have run away with Axel, and he could have gone anywhere. I would have never woken up, and he would have been happy. But he didn't make that choice. For someone so jaded, he made the right choice when it mattered.

If it even wasthe right choice. If he hadn't woken me up, and he was still wandering around freely, maybe he would have been the one to save the worlds, maybe he would have succeeded where I failed.

He saved me, I guess. He had people helping, or rather, enabling, people convincing him that it was the best option, the onlyoption.

The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. You told me that, and you looked bitter. Like you knew that it meant sacrifice and loss of what you really wanted, if it meant that the majority would benefit. Maybe you were thinking about Roxas when you said it, thinking about how he sacrificed himself without any hesitation.

If I had the chance to be in his shoes, to choose between what's best for me or what's best for everyone else, I'm not so sure that I'd make the good choice. If it really is the good choice. To sacrifice yourself, it seems like a pointless death, you'd never get to see what your sacrifice meant, if it even meant anything.

He could have had Axel, could have had a better ending, but he didn't make that choice, he chose what would be best for everyone.

Before, if I had the chance to choose between you, or saving all the worlds, I would have chosen youwithout a second thought. But now, I'm not so sure that I would.

I'm not so sure that you're my first choice.

From,

Sora

**********

May 17th, 2012

Dear Riku,

Sometimes it feels like he's trying to talk to me. Roxas, he... sometimes it feels like he's pushing at my thoughts and trying to get a reaction. It's a weird feeling, having someone else in your mind.

It's not like the Darkness, the Darkness is always there and it doesn't active reach out and try to push at your mind like Roxas is doing right now.

I'm still dreaming about his memories.

I feel like I almost knowhim, I've seen all these memories but in a way it feels like a violation of his privacy, the way that I'm seeing these memories and I don't even know if he's doing this on purpose.

Axel was to him what you were to me. The dynamic between them, it feels like we did, so remarkably similar. I guess that he really is my Nobody.

Xion, she reminds me of Kairi. Her eyes, she had Kairi's eyes. Kind, caring. Soft, somehow. Kairi is soft, she's sweet and not like you, more like how I used to be. She can still smile without bitterness, something that I'm not sure I can do.

She stayed her, her Heart and Soul, they didn't change even after everything.

Me and you, our Hearts changed as the worlds changed around us. It was our way of coping, hardening ourselves to whatever bad thing would come next. But Kairi didn't do that, she stayed the same person.

She's a constant in my life. Maybe she's the one who really is like the sky.

I know that I need to tell her about Roxas, I need to tell someone and she's the best choice.

I want to make a pledge with her, however meaningless it will be. A pledge will make it seem more sincere, more than just words that could easily be a lie.

No more lies. No more hiding.

I don't want to lie to her anymore, Riku. She knows about us, and she knows that we kept it a secret.

It was better when we were the only one's who knew. It made it more special when we kept it close. Kept it close to our Hearts and held it tight. A secret. Something that connected only us.

I think that's why I never told her, even after you disappeared. It was something that connected us, and if I told, if it wasn't a secret anymore, it wouldn't be a connection. It seems silly now.

But I can't do that anymore, can't lie. I'm tired of lying and hiding. And she came clean about Angel, she must be tired of it too.

Maybe... if we make a pledge and start fresh, maybe we won't be as quick to lie and hide things this time. No more fake-smiles and pretending that everything is all fine and dandy when everything is falling apart.

Maybe I can be honest with her for a change.

Maybe she can be honest with me.

And maybe... I can learn who she is now.

From,

Sora

**********

May 18th, 2012

Dear Riku,

The real Kairi doesn't smile nearly as much as she used to. And when she does, they aren't sickly-sweet and she isn't trying to hard. When she really smiles, it isn't wide or toothy, just small and truthful. Her smiles are honest, they don't hide any of the things that she's been through.

She's been through a lot, and it shows in the way that she frowns, or the way that her shoulders look tense. Shows in her smile when she's not faking it. She doesn't pretend that nothing happened, and it's better this way. There's an edge of an old hurt underneath the happiness when she smiles, something that hasn't completely healed. Not quite bitter, but something close to it.

The real Kairi doesn't talk animatedly like a teenage girl, doesn't dramatically wave her hands to exaggerate. The real Kairi speaks softly but strongly. She doesn't give her voice a fake-happy tone, instead she's honest. Doesn't pretend that things that hurt her don't, doesn't pretend that some things aren't hard to talk about when they're almost impossible to talk about without breaking down.

She speaks truthfully, earnestly and this Kairi is so much easier to talk to than the fake one.

I've been trying to be honest too, trying not to pretend when I'm with her. It's hard, the want to put up a relatively strong front in front of her, something that she felt the same about.

I'm learning not to force a smile when I can't smile for real. Learning to to tell her the truth about everything.

Kairi's telling the truth too. Telling me about things that I never knew.

She saw us one night, that was how she found out. She'd had a nightmare, and she came to find us. Then she saw us kissing. I guess that we weren't as sneaky as I thought we were.

And then... she waited for us to tell her on our own time. She waited, but we never did. And she knew the whole time. We were too caught up in us, and making sure to stay the only ones who knew about us to even notice.

I never thought to tell her, because it was us. We were... us. There's no other words for what we were. No words to describe us or the way that we were. I never thought to tell her, never thought to include her in our talks when we'd go find each other after a nightmare.

She had nightmares too. I never knew.

We never told her, and Kairi never told us that she knew. We all got good at keeping secrets and hiding things.

Kairi, the new Kairi who isn't fake, she asked me why I never told her. Her voice broke, and for a moment, as I looked at her face as she cried and didn't even try to hide how much she was hurting, I thought that she might shatter.

I had no answer for her. I don't know why. I don't know why you never wanted anyone else to know, and I don't know why I felt the same way.

But I hugged her instead of answering, and I think that it helped her more than any answer ever would.

She's still Kairi, just real now, no more fake smiles or fake happy words.

And I'm still me, just less happy and less talkative.

But I don't know who you'd be now.

I don't know if you'd still be Riku.

From,

Sora

**********

May 19th, 2012

Dear Riku,

I asked Kairi if she could ever feel Namine in her mind. She said that she had never felt Namine, not ever. That she's never dreamed about memories from her Nobody.

She's only one person to ask about this, but it doesn't make me feel any better. That Namine probably did what she was supposed to do and faded back into the person who was her Somebody.

Roxas didn't become one with me, he's always been an entirely different person just lurking in my mind, sleeping. I could always feel him. Kairi said that even when Namine first joined her again, she never felt her. Namine was never a seperate person in Kairi's mind.

Maybe Roxas is an... anomally and maybe Nobodies are supposed to blend back with their Sombodies seamlessly. Or maybe Namine was the anomally, and maybe it's normal for Nobodies to stay seperate.

I told Kairi about Roxas.

I told her that I can feel him, that I've been dreaming about his memories. She's worried about it, says that it isn't normal and that I should see Merlin about it.

And it's not normal, I know that much. It can't be normal to have a second person in your mind pushing at your thoughts and trying to do something.

Kairi's right, I know that she is and I know that I should go see Merlin, even if it's just to ask if this is abnormal.

I will. Soon. Just not now.

The memories that I see when I dream, it's almost like watching a strange movie. I don't think that it's a bad thing, most of the memories that I see are happy ones. Of Roxas and Axel, or Roxas and Xion, or the three of them together.

I haven't gotten many bad memories, mainly just superficial ones that don't really mean much. At least, they don't mean much to me.

I did get the memory of him becoming me again. That's not a good memory.

He sacrificed himself for me. Even if it wasn't for me specifically, but the good of all the worlds, he still gave up his... life to wake me up.

Sacrifice, it seems like an awful way to die. Giving up your life for someone or something else. And then you're dead, you'll never know if what you did even made a difference.

Roxas... I get the feeling that he regrets doing it.

I think that he regrets not running when he had the chance, not running away with Axel when he still could.

If I was him, I'd regret it. Now he's just... trapped in my mind. He wants out, I know that. He doesn't like being stuck in my mind.

I feel sorry for him, Riku.

I want to help him.

From,

Sora

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter/part should be posted here on May 29th. To read chapters right after they're posted, go to my ff.net profile (live.die.be) where I update Letters to Riku everyday.


	15. Part Fifteen

Dear Riku,

He spoke to me today. Roxas, he talked to me.

Riku, I... heard him, in my mind. It was strange, like listening to a radio station that's almost out of range. Distant, fuzzy. Like some of my memories from a long time ago.

He's not me, and that's hard to wrap my mind around, because he was me before he became my Nobody. None of it makes any sense, he was supposed to become a part of me again, but he didn't. He has his own thoughts, his own opinions, and they're different from mine.

You met him, didn't you? Did you see any of me in him?

Nobodies

. They're supposed to be the person their Somebody was, just without a Heart. But Roxas doesn't feel like me, he's someone different. I can hardly believe that he's my Nobody. I guess that he is my Darkness, but it still doesn't make very much sense that he's so different. My Darkness would still be mine, wouldn't it? So shouldn't he be at least a little bit like me?

In his memories, when I dream of them, he doesn't feel like he has no Heart.

He cared about Xion, and he loved Axel. I think that if he'd stayed a seperate part of me, he could have been happy with him.

Roxas reminds me of you, Riku. He's not happy-go-lucky or cheerful like I used to be. He's more jaded, less trusting.

You always saw through people's masks, and you never opened up right away. He was the same way.

You... you were always Darker than me or Kairi, even when you were a child. Sometimes, when you'd smile indulgently when Kairi and me were acting especially childish, it would feel like you were so much older and knowing than us.

Even when we found Destiny Islands again, when I started to grow up little by little, you seemed older. When we would sit in that paopu tree and talk, you would sometimes frown and it would make me feel... little. Like I was still a kid while you had grown up completely and left me behind.

Roxas feels like that. And right now, he's telling me that I am still a child.

I think that he looks down on me. I think that he expected more from me. I guess if I was in his place I'd feel that way too.

He gave up being free to save me, to save all the worlds, and I didn't save them. Maybe it would have been better if I never woke up, and if he was the one who got to be the hero.

Maybe it would have been better if he wasn't trapped in my mind, always watching, helpless.

He hates being stuck in my mind, he told me that. I think that he hates me too.

It's not fair.

From,

Sora

•¤•¤•¤•¤•¤•

May 21st, 2012

Dear Riku,

Kairi's worried about me. This mornimg I told her about Roxas talking to me. She says that this shouldn't be happening, that he's supposed to be me again.

He's not. He's not like Namine. Namine blended with her seamlessly, never gave any indication of ever being a seperate person. Roxas maintained a distinct sense of self, kept his own mind completely seperate from mine.

I'm still having the dreams, dreaming about his memories. It's strange, he sees things differently than I do. He can talk to me now, and he doesn't hesitate to tell me that I can only see what's in front of me.

I don't like him, not at all. Roxas, he keeps telling me all the things that I already know and don't want to.

I should have tried harder. Roxas told me that, and as much as it hurts to think about, it's true. I should have tried harder to save everyone.

We should have never gone home to Destiny Islands. The other worlds needed us while we were at home and happy. I was the Keyblade wielder, I should have been there to keep everything from falling apart.

He tells me that I should stop feeling sorry for me. I should, me and Kairi should be out helping as much as we can, but we aren't. We've had two years for us, to spend time focusing on us, but it wasn't long enough.

We want to go into our own little world, one where we're the only ones. It's like how it was for you and me when we first came home, we only wanted each other. Kairi is the only one I want to see right now, because she understands.

We're selfish. Neither of us want to go help because that would make everything real. Make it really sink in that everything is falling apart. We don't want to let anyone else into our little world. We talk everyday, about everything that happened. About things that the other person doesn't know.

But we haven't said a word about what's going to happen next.

Next

. The worlds will continue to fall apart around us, and who knows how long we have until Traverse Town is swallowed by the Darkness too.

Nothing good can happen next.

Roxas wants out, he wants me to find a way to make him his own person again. He didn't tell me that himself, but I know it, I can feel it from his thoughts.

He testing how far he can go. He's testing how much he can do. I can feel him pressing at my consciousness, testing if he can push me out of my own mind.

I want to help him, get him out of my mind so that maybe we have another person to help all of us. I told him that I'd help him. I told him that I would find a way to get him out.

Riku, I don't think that he's going to wait for me. I think that he's going to try on his own. And I don't know what it'll do to me.

From,

Sora

•¤•¤•¤•¤•¤•

May 22nd, 2012

Dear Riku,

He's poison.

Like some sort of slow acting poison, he's awful. I hate that I can hear him talking to me. I can't stop it, can't not listen, can't ignore when he tells me what he thinks about how I've failed.

He said that he should never have joined me again, because he would have tried harder than I did. Maybe he shouldn't have. Maybe he would have done better than I did.

I think that he's a better person than me. Somehow, even though he's my Darkness, he's better and more Light than I am. He sacrificed himself.

A long time ago, someone, it might have been you, once told me that there's no such thing as a selfless good deed. That no matter what, you got something out of it, even if it was just satisfaction.

Sacrifice is a selfless deed. You don't get to appreciate what you did, or even be satisfied with the results of your action. It's just the end. But for Roxas, it wasn't really the end, and now all he can do is regret it.

And he does regret it, I know that he does because he told me.

"I should have never saved you."

That's what he said to me. Those exact words. He said it softly, distantly, like it was just a passing thought he was speaking out loud. And I told him that I agreed. Because I do, sometimes I think that he would have made a better hero than I ever could.

And he's poisonous, tainting what I think even more than the Darkness did. The Darkness just warped my memories, made me confused and made me doubt everything I knew.

But Roxas... Roxas is making me realize things that I hadn't before. Some of them are little things, like him telling me that Kairi is so much more than I deserve. Well, that's not so small but it is small when compared to some of the other things. Some of the larger things, like the fact that he would have made a better savior and that I shouldn't have been the one who got to continue living.

When he was faced with the choice of saving everyone and saving himself, he chose to save everyone. That type of decision would be so hard to make. Choosing to end your own life to save the person who everyone says will save the worlds.

I don't think that I would have the will to choose that. I think that I would have chosen to save meinstead of all the worlds.

I know that I would. In the Darkness, when those shadows attacked, I could have stayed and helped you, but I didn't. I chose to leave, and I left.

Left you behind with a worthless promise that I'd come back. Just five words. I'll come back for you. Nothing tangible, nothing real. Nothing to prove that I even said it. Nothing to prove that you heard, and nothing that's going to make me keep it.

Who knows if you're even waiting. Who knows if I could even find you if I went back to the Darkness. Who knows if you would even remember.

I... I shouldn't. I should focus on the people who are here, or out there on worlds that are being overrun with Heartless and turning to ashes even as I write this. I shouldn't run off to the Darkness and make Kairi and everyone worry about me again. I shouldn't be selfish and go looking for you just for me.

But it's tempting, so tempting and I want to, want to go look even if it's just to see your corpse and get some closure. Tempting to go and find you, on the miniscule chance that you're still alive and sane and you.

I need to be stronger, need to be better. Need to become someone that Roxas might feel a little bit better about sacrificing himself for.

I need to stay here and not run into the Darkness on a reckless, dangerous whim. I need to make the difficult choice to do the right thing for everyone and not just me. Need to let you stay there a little while longer.

I need to break that promise I made you in the Darkness.

I'm going to be strong.

I'm not coming back for you. Not right now, and depending on how things go, maybe not ever.

I'm sorry.

I lied to you.

From,

Sora

•¤•¤•¤•¤•¤•

May 23rd, 2012

Dear Riku,

Roxas is trying to do... something.

He's trying even harder now, pushing even more at my mind. It's hard to describe. I'm not even sure that there are even adjectives to describe the way that it feels to have another person in your mind trying to shove you out of it.

It's not like the Darkness was, is. The Darkness was... huge. Impossibly large and it made you feel small and weak with it in your mind. But it was a constant, always there. Just sitting there and waiting. It still is like that, I can still feel it, can still feel it waiting.

But Roxas, even though his presence isn't as immense, he's more noticeable. Impossible to ignore him when he's making himself known by speaking to me. Impossible to pretend that he's not there, and that I'm not hearing him.

I can hear everything that he says to me, but none of his thoughts. He said that he could hear my thoughts. He said that I should stop being so pathetic and useless.

He's right. I know that he is, I know that I should try harder, be better.

I talked to Merlin about him today. Kairi woke me up just after the sun rose, and she dragged me down to his place when I was still half asleep. I'm not even annoyed, because I know that she only did it because she was worried. She's always worrying. Do you remember? When we were kids, even. She'd worry about us even if we just got a scratch. She'd dote on us, almost like a mother hen.

She still worries. That hasn't changed, and it's comforting to know that at least one thing hasn't changed.

Merlin told me that Roxas probably won't stop trying to take over, and he said that eventually he'll catch me off guard and do just that.

I could have told him that. Roxas is stubborn. He's not going to give up until he gets what he wants, and right now, what he wants is to be free.

Merlin said that the best course of action would be to try and remove him. But there's a chance that taking him out would put me back into a coma like the first time that Roxas came into existance.

And I know that this time he wouldn't be so quick to sacrifice himself for me. Not again, not not that he knows just how badly I failed.

Kairi doesn't want me to do it. She doesn't want me to go through with it and end up asleep again.

She's worried about it, about me, but it's not her mind. She doesn't know how it feels to have someone trying to push you out of your own mind.

Roxas won't stop trying until he gets out. I know that he won't. He won't stop trying until he really does manage to kick me out of my own consciousness. And if that happened... I don't know what would happen to me. I don't know if I'd take Roxas' place, and become a spectator, or if I'd just... fade away.

I don't want to fade away.

But I also don't want to go to sleep and never wake up.

Kairi told me not to do it, that there's too much risk and too many unknowns. But if I stay this way, with him in my mind, there's just as many, if not more, unknowns to think about.

Roxas is all for it, willing to try anything that will make him his own person again. Wants me to do it now, get Merlin to take him out now so he can be free again.

And me... I don't know. I don't want him in my mind any more than he wants to be there, but I don't want to go to sleep forever.

But I told him that I would help him, and I will.

I'm not choosing now, I can't. It's late at night right now, and I'm tired. Kairi is sleeping on the sofa next to me, refusing to go to bed until she knew that I was actually going to sleep.

We're in a little apartment, one that we're sharing. We moved in this morning, just after we visited Merlin. Not that we had anything to move with us. I guess this is what it would have been like if we had gotten that apartment by the college together.

I guess.

Everything is guesswork and unknowns. What-if's and maybe's. Nothing's for sure, nothing is positive and absolute.

I'm so tired.

I don't want to wonder about these things anymore, but I can't help it. My mind is racing, going a mile a minute. A hundred wonderings, a thousand thoughts.

A million questions and no answers.

Nothing left to do except put this into the box with all the other letters I'm keeping. Nothing to do except turn the light off and sit in the dark and think for hours.

Nothing to do except wait for a sun that never rises to break over the horizon. Wait for morning, for people to wake up and for more dead worlds to pile up around us. Nothing to do but wait.

I'm so tired of waiting.

I'm so tired of everything.

From,

Sora

•¤•¤•¤•¤•¤•

May 24th, 2012

Dear Riku,

Kairi and me have long talks into the night sometimes. We both have nightmares that tend to wake us up screaming or crying, it makes a person start to dread going to sleep. After a nightmare, you don't really want to go back to the nightmare, as I'm sure you can remember.

You used to have nightmares worse that Kairi and mine combined. It was the Darkness lingering in you, twisting you.

We wake each other up when we start to have a nightmare, to keep it from going on to the point of screaming. Then we'll talk, for hours. Sometimes we'll stay up until the time the sun is supposed to rise, and then we'll fall asleep together, on the sofa or in one of the beds.

We talk about different things all the time, about memories and stories, everything and nothing. About our time on the islands as children, and about our time when we were all separated. It's a little bit like it was for you and me, when we would talk or hours on end after nightmares, just because we were afraid to go back to sleep.

Throughout our talks, I can feel Roxas sitting in the back of my mind watching and listening to every word we say. He watches Kairi closely, looking for something.

Roxas... he's drawn to Kairi, or maybe he's just drawn to the person that she reminds him of. Sometimes it feels like he's waiting for her to slip up, and for someone else to smile with her eyes. When he looks at her, I think that he expects to see someone else looking out from her soul, but he never does.

I can feel his disappointment whenever he looks and she's not who he wants to see. I can feel how much he wants to see someone else, to see someone from his life instead of all these people who he doesn't really know.

Namine is never there when he looks, and sometimes it feel like he's surprised when he sees red hair insead of blonde.

Kairi doesn't know, and I won't tell her. No use telling her, when the person Roxas wants to see isn't there.

I guess that Namine wasn't like Roxas, she didn't keep her sense of self after becoming whole again.

Roxas did. He's his own person, becoming stronger all the time. He shows me memories some times, he's figured out how to show me only the ones that he wants to, and he shows me memories of his time with Organization XIII.

Xion... she was his clone. She was... me, sort of. Since Roxas was a part of me, and Xion was him. And they were all tools, to be used and thrown away. No one... cared. No one did anything.

I know that I didn't, I didn't care, I didn't even think about who Roxas was or just how much he had done for me after I woke up. All I wanted was to find you and go home.

It was necessary, I think. But it doesn't change that they were just used, and no one even thought there was anything bad about it if it would save the hero so that he could save the worlds.

I don't know if I should take Merlin's offer to try and remove Roxas from my mind. Kairi, she says I shouldn't. There's too many unknowns. Too much is just guesswork and not enough is for sure.

And I wonder... If it works, I wonder if Kairi will try to remove Namine. I know Roxas would push for it, to have a small piece of his life with him here in this new world.

And I wonder... What will Roxas do when he's free?

From,

Sora

•¤•¤•¤•¤•¤•

May 25th, 2012

Dear Riku,

Everything happens in a blink of an eye, in what feels like just one second, whole worlds fall apart.

There are so many refugees here in Traverse Town, people from every world imaginable are ending up here. Not many from each world, only one or two, if that. And we don't even know how many worlds have been destroyed without any survivors left to tell about it.

It's the Heartless, and it's horrible just how much destruction they can cause. So many of them, so many people killed and we can't stop it.

Kairi, she helps now, goes with Leon and Cloud to worlds with her Keyblade, and she kills Heartless. I don't. I stay behind, since I don't have a Keyblade, I don't have any weapon and on a Heartless infested world I'd be vulnerable, I wouldn't stand a chance. She left for the first time yesterday, early in the morning. She didn't come back until late that evening, dead tired and with a happy gleam in her eyes.

I can't help but feel jealous of Kairi, for having a Keyblade when I don't, for being able to help when the only thing I can do is stay in Traverse Town and try to decide whether I want to take the risk and have Roxas removed.

He thinks that I'm weak, and I guess that I am. Without a Keyblade, I can't do much of anything. I didn't realize how much strength a Keyblade gave a person. Or maybe it's that I used to be stronger, and now I'm weaker.

I'm jealous that to helo, gets to make a difference while I can't, I'm stuck here, left behind.

When I said goodbye to Kairi this morning, she gave me this look. There was an odd shine in her eyes, almost like tears, and she told me that I should be the one going out to kill Heartless and save the worlds. Then she left, before I could say anything.

If she'd given me the chance, I didn't even know what I'd say, and I still don't know. What could I tell her? That no, she's doing a better job of staying whole and heloing out that I am? ThatI don't think that I'm the hero anymore and that maybe she should take my place?

This must be what Kairi felt like, when we left her behind. Lonely. Lost, and a little afraid.

I wonder if this is how you feel right now.

From,

Sora

•¤•¤•¤•¤•¤•

May 26th, 2012

Dear Riku,

Sometimes I think that we were all fools, and sometimes I think that we were childishly naive to think that anything could ever be the same.

Leaving Destiny Islands, sometimes I think that was the worst mistake that we've ever made. The choice we made, that home and happiness wasn't enough anymore, and we wanted more than we had, and more that we could ever have without sacrificing something.

We took our lives for granted because we didn't know any better. We left behind our families and friends because we selfishly wanted more.

But it's too late to think about that. Too late to think about what could have been, or how much I'd change if I had a chance to relive it all.

Roxas is telling me that I need to stop spending all my time in my memories. Telling me that I need to do something, and be the hero that I'm supposed to be.

Our conversations frighten me, because the things he tells me are things that I already know and try to ignore.

He tells me that Kairi has changed more than I ever noticed. Tells me that the girl who looked so much like her, the one with blonde hair and blue eyes, that she's hiding deep inside Kairi's soul. Namine, Roxas speaks fondly of her. And of his friends who're all dead and gone.

He wants out, wants me to make the choice to have Merlin try to remove him from my mind.

We never saw, never saw how much had changed because we wanted things to be the same so much that we managed to blind ourselves to the changes that did happen. Coming home to Destiny Islands, we all thought that things could somehow be the same as it was before we left, but that wasn't possible. Everything changes, we did even if we pretended not to, and life went on without us as the world changed without us knowing.

Everything changes, and nothing stays the same, and that's why I can't live like this anymore. I'm going to help Roxas, because I can't stand having him in my mind, knowing that he's trapped and that he hates how much I've failed.

Kairi won't be happy, not at all but I can't help it, and she can't change my mind. She'll worry, and I don't want to worry her, but I think that this will be better.

Something needs to change, that's what Roxas told me.

Things will change. They have to, for the world to still exist. I'll make the choice, I'll make the change. I'll take the initiative and be the hero again, because that's what the world needs me to do.

From,

Sora

•¤•¤•¤•¤•¤•

May 27th, 2012

Dear Riku,

I went to Merlin this afternoon, and I told him that I wanted to go through with it, that I want Roxas out of my head.

I'm scared. I'm going to let Merlin try to remove Roxas, and I'm scared. There are so many things that could go wrong, so many things that could happen, and I don't want to never wake up.

Kairi got home just a little while ago, she spent all day off world fighting Heartless. I told her about my decision just before I started to write to you.

She's crying right now, because I told her that I was going to let Merlin remove Roxas, and I think that she's scared that something bad will happen and she'll never see me again.

I don't want her to cry, I didn't want to make her cry but she is and I don't know how to make her stop.

Roxas, he's... excited, I guess would be the right word. He's anticipating tomorrow, and waiting to see if it works, and he becomes a separate part of me again. He's worried, too though. Worried that it won't work, and worried that he'll be stuck in my mind forever.

I'm worried about that too, I don't want him in my mind any longer. I can feel him sometimes, flipping through my memories like a book. I can feel him listening to my thoughts and watching everything I do. It's unnerving, disturbing because it's my mind, and he's acting like he belongs there. Acting like it's not a big deal that he's in my memories and my thoughts all the time.

I'm not even alone in my own head, which is disturbing and sounds really, really insane, and I know that.

I want him out, and tomorrow Merlin will try to remove him. I hope it works, I need it to work or I might go crazy from having two people in my mind when there should only be one person: me.

If it doesn't work, Roxas is going to try something. He's going to try and... take over my body, I guess. Push my consciousness to the back of my mind, while he pushes himself into the front.

That... worries me. The thought that he could do that, that he could control me, control my body. He could do anything, and I'd be powerless to stop him. He could hurt Kairi, or do anything. He could kill me, my body, and he wouldn't care because it's not his body.

That's why I'm willing to take the risk and try to remove him, because I know that he's not going to sit back and just let me live out my life while he sits and watches. He won't let that happen. Even if I decided not to get him removed, he'd try something and no matter what I wanted or decided, he'd try something and he would make the change that he wants.

It wouldn't matter, he doesn't care about me, or anything else. He just wants out, wants to be his own person again.

I can understand that, even if I haven't experienced what he's feeling I can imagine what it would be like to be trapped and unable to change anything.

Tomorrow will be the change. It might work perfectly, or it might go horribly wrong and kill me. I can't even guess, there's too many possibilities to.

I just have to wait, and see what happens tomorrow.

From,

Sora

•¤•¤•¤•¤•¤•

**Interlude XXXXIX : _Changes_**

There's a bed in the room, like a hospital bed with railings, and bleached white sheets. "In case somethung goes wrong," Merlin had said when Sora asked. "Just lay down and relax."

(Sora's mind is racing, thinking of all the possible outcomes of today, and an unreassuring number aren't options that he likes.)

"Are you sure?" Merlin asks once more, an unnecessary question when they both know the answer.

"I'm sure," Sora says calmly, too calmly. Doesn't even blink as Kairi jumps forward and wraps her hands around Sora's arm.

She's crying now, and that hurts, because Sora made her cry, and he never did like to see her cry even when they were children. They're not children now, but Kairi's still crying and Sora still hates it.

"I'm sorry." The words slip out without his permission, and Kairi blinks at him with watery blue eyes so much like his own.

She reaches out, wraps her arms around Sora's neck and hugs him close. She's trembling a little, and Sora can feel her tears against his cheek.

"It'll be okay," Sora says, and then regrets it because he doesn't know if it really will be, and it's not fair to lie to her.

Kairi smiles shakily at him, and pulls away. "You'd better be right."

Roxas shifts in the back of his mind and gives his consciousness a push, impatient and unwilling to wait. Sora looks away from Kairi, away from the sad, worried look on her face, and he turns to Merlin.

The old wizard nods absently, inspecting him curiously. "You'll need to close your eyes for this."

Sora nods, and follows the instruction even though he hates the Darkness behind his eyelids. "Now what?" he says, and frowns because he isn't quite sure whether it was Roxas, or him who said it.

"Look for him in your mind, you should be able to see something that shouldn't be there. Something that looks odd, like it doesn't fit in." Merlin's voice is a buzz in the back of his mind as he searches, listening to him with only half an ear, the rest of his attention on Roxas' impatient snapping at him, telling him to _hurry up and find it._

In the black, he can see a Light in the distance, out of place in the Darkness. "I see something," he whispers, focusing in on the Light that glows.

"Good, good! Now, I'll give you a little push to get you out of your mind and into his."

The Light blurs, and Sora trys to focus in again, but looses it. Roxas is pressing against his mind, saying something but Sora can't focus enough to hear it. He can't think and can't see, can't see the Light anymore, just _black_. (He thinks that he might hear Merlin, but it's blurry and distant.)

He can hear Roxas screaming but he can't make out the words, just hears a buzz of noise, confusing him as it seems to come from everywhere around him.

He feels like he's holding onto the edge of a cliff, trying to stay himself when there's a separate person trying to _do something_ to his mind, and he can feel his grip slipping as panic fills him.

Then he slips, looses his grip on the edge, and there is nothing but blackness as he falls.

•¤•¤•¤•¤•¤•

**Interlude L : _Blackout_**

"It's not fair, is it?" A voice cutting through the blackness, calm and icy cool.

Sora's blinks to clear his eyes, and then realizes that there's nothing to see. He's not sure if this is some strange dreamland that Roxas dragged him to, or if it's real.

"It's real," Roxas says in response to his unspoken question.

Sora glares daggers towards where the voice seemed to come from. In front of him, and he can just barely see his Nobody's outline in the black. "What's not fair?"

"That I'm stuck here while you're free."

_Oh_

.

Well, it should have been obvious to Sora the minute he said that it wasn't fair. It _isn't_ fair, and Sora still doesn't understand _why._

"Are you that oblivious?" The words come out in a hiss, Roxas is angry now, which isn't good, especially not now that Sora's in his... mind. Soul. Place. Wherever this is.

Roxas sighs loudly, and Sora gets the feeling that if he could see, he'd be seeing Roxas glaring at him.

"This is my Soul," he says blandly, as though having visitors in his Soul is a normal occurance, and Sora wants to start laughing hysterically and never stop.

Roxas sighs again, and Sora can see the edges of his figure waver as he moves, coming closer until he's sitting only two feet away. They're facing each other, sitting with identical posture, identical height. Eye to eye and eerily similar in every aspect.

He can see Roxas' eyes now, the bright blue is almost _glowing_ in the Dark and it's eerie, like a finger of ice down his spine as he stares into those eyes. Blue like his, wide and sky-blue, set in a young face framed with spikey, sideswept blond hair.

And the eyes are like looking in a strange mirror, practically the only part of Roxas that Sora can see when it's this dark. It's like looking at a picture of Sora's eyes on someone else's face.

"I hate you."

Sora blinks at the shockingly deadpan delivery of the words. He's not at all surprised by the words, but the delivery is unexpectedly blunt. He doesn't feel anything when Roxas says that, though if it was anyone else it would hurt. The truth is refreshing, a welcome change from people always pretending otherwise.

Roxas chuckles and the sound is unnerving, not promising anything good. "You want the truth?" he asks in a murmur that's barely more than a whisper.

There's something ominous about being asked that, as if Roxas already knows that Sora won't like what he really has to say.

"You _won't_ like what I have to say." The blond boy smirks, but the expression doesn't melt any of the ice in his eyes. He has the eyes of someone who had seen too much too soon. Of someone who had seen all the Darkness in the world and none of the Light. None of the good things that the world had to offer, and all of the bad.

Sora shakes his head, wants to cover his ears to block out whatever he'll tell him, but he knows that in Roxas' Soul it wouldn't do any good, wouldn't keep him from hearing because Roxas would just speak directly into his mind if he stopped listening. _Think Light thoughts_ , that's what Aqua said, and that might help now, _right_? Might make it a little easier to listen. Think of happy things, good things.

"There is nothing good in the world," Roxas says sharply, almost reprimanding in the way that he glares at Sora.

Sora stares at him unblinkingly, silently, wondering how it was possible for a person to become so _twisted_ , and _frozen_ on the inside as Roxas was. "That's not true."

"What, then? _Friendship_?" The words are a snarl, and Roxas' fingers curl into fists as he remembers his friends and how their friendships never had any chance of lasting, doomed from the start, only one way for it all to end.

Sora looks nervous, undoubtedly thinking of his own friendships with the people most important to him. Of unwaveringly loyal and often overlooked Kairi, and of Darkness-tainted Riku who he'd fallen in love with and lied to.

"Do you _really_ think that they'd stick around much longer if they knew how much of a _selfish little brat_ you really are?"

Sora shudders, arms wrap around his knees and pull them to his chest, making him small so that maybe the next verbal assult will miss him. Roxas is amazingly, terribly good at choosing which words will cut the deepest.

"All of the people who died because you were too weak to save them, do you think that they'd forgive you for letting them die?"

Sora often wondered the same thing, wondered if the people he couldn't save would hate him for not being strong enough.

"You're _selfish_. You let them all die because you only cared about _you_ and _your_ happiness."

Roxas Is _right_ , Sora doesn't like what he's hearing and he hates that it's all things he's wondered about before.

Roxas grins and it's razor sharp, cruel and so, _so_ cold. "You're naive. You still don't understand that _nothing_ is fair in life."

That shouldn't be true. Sora grew up always seeing the glass half full, always seeing the good and the best, never the bad. Never saw the Darker things, or the proof that life really was unfair. So when reality came crashing down on him, it was a shock to realize that everything wasn't all roses and rainbows like he thought that it was. Made him realize that the rose-tinted glasses he saw the world through made reality seem all the more bleaker when he was forced to take them off.

(Roxas never knew fairness, was a pawn from the very start, and never knew that there was anything else, never knew that he actually had a _choice._ )

_Nothing in life is fair_

. It's true, Sora's starting to accept this now, and even if it doesn't make sense, even if it doesn't seem right, it's the truth.

And then he looks at Roxas, a person who was doomed to an unhappily-ever-after from the start. He, his friends, all of the Nobodies, none of them ever had a _chance_.

None of the defenseless people from any of the dead worlds had a chance against the Heartless.

Life really _wasn't_ fair, and he's starting to accept this, even though it leaves a bad taste in his mouth to accept something so awful.

"Not everything is bad, Roxas," Sora says softly, feeling pity for his Nobody who had known too much of the bad and too little of the good.

"What?" Roxas asks mockingly, "Do you _still_ think that there are good things in the world?"

_Yes_

, Sora wants to answer. _Because I'm not like you and I do believe that there are good things in the worlds_. He's frozen in place, unable to speak as Roxas hurls horrible truths at him without stopping, hardly even pausing for breath. He'd say " _Stop_ ," if he could, but there's no air, no way to speak.

"You're such a _child_ ," Roxas scoffs, his blue eyes narrowing with distaste.

Sora swallows, tries to drag some air down his dry throat. "Some things are good," he attempts. But if it's unconvincing to his own ears, it must sound positively feeble to Roxas.

He laughs, and it's harsh, not a trace of humor in his tone as he speaks, "Like _what_?" He leans in, the blue eyes looming closer even as Sora flinches back.

His fingers are scrabbling uselessly on the smooth, icy ground. He wants out, wants to be somewhere - _anywhere_ \- else. "I- I-" he tries to speak and fails. It shouldn't be this hard to come up with a list of good things, shpuldn't seem this hopeless.

Roxas' teeth glow white as he smiles, full of something old and bitter that had been building up ever since he woke up, and maybe even before. "What's that?" he taunts, smile widening as Sora cringes.

His breathing is coming in short gasps, the icy air hard to breath in, burning his lungs. And with the assurance of someone who still has unending faith in what he's been told, he says, "Light."

"Light," Roxas says, turning the word over like a toy, sharp curiousity in his eyes. When he laughs, it's more of a cackle than laughter, the sound cracking at the edge with a tinge of insanity.

Sora flinches, hates the way the blue eyes seem to cut into his Soul as Roxas laughs maniacally. He freezes when Roxas abruptly goes still, staring at him in disbelief with wide eyes.

"You think that Light is _good_?" he asks in a soft, benevolent tone.

Sora nods, and resists the urge to flinch again as Roxas rushes forward until their eyes are only inches apart.

He shakes his head, the movement brushing blond hair against Sora's cheek. "You're a _silly little boy_ , aren't you?" he asks gleefully, eyes lit up with a vicious grin.

"I- I'm-" Sora can't speak, and he chokes as he tries to.

Roxas waves a hand dismissively. "You don't need to answer that."

He hums tunelessly, and as he stares at Sora, it's like he's staring through him, not at him. "Light..." he whispers, eyes distant.

"Light- Light is good, it- it fights against the Darkness and keeps the worlds balanced." Sora says haltingly. He stumbles over the words, but Roxas doesn't seem to notice.

He looks surprised, eyes wider than before. "You _really_ believe that?" he asks without inflection, tilting his head to the side curiously.

Sora isn't sure what answer to give, doesn't know if it's a trick question or if Roxas really wants to know. "I do," he whispers.

The blond nods, and his eyes flick to something over Sora's left shoulder before moving back to his eyes.

"It's just using you," he murmurs blankly, eyes far away.

"What?" Sora asks after a moment of silence, when Roxas doesn't offer anymore information.

His eyes clear, and he blinks at Sora with frighteningly similar eyes. "The Light."

Sora doesn't know what to believe, what to think, but he doesn't want to believe this. "I... I don't understand," he admits hesitantly.

Roxas smiles widely. "You thought that you were the Hero because destiny _chose_ you? Because it was _fate_?"

_Yes_

, Sora thinks. _I did believe that. I thought that I was special._

"You really thought that you were anything more than a _pawn_? A tool, _just like I was_. Used, and then discarded."

There is a kind of awful honesty in his voice, the kind that you can't help but believe every word.

" _No_ ," Sora gasps, he's struggling to breathe the icy air, and he can hear his heart pounding his his ears. "I don't believe you."

The look Roxas gives him is pitying. "You thought that Light was _good_?" He shakes his head, as if he can't believe the extent of Sora's naiveity.

"You're- you're wrong," Sora says, tries to sound sure, but a whisper in his mind says otherwise.

Roxas is on his feet then, pacing with restless energy. "You really believe that?"

Sora nods, and instantly regrets it as Roxas' hands flicker with Light in the same way that Darkness clung to Sora's fingertips. The Light grows, stretching to cover his whole body in white, until it almost hurts to look at him.

Light flashes out from Roxas' fingers to brush Sora's hand, and he yelps as it burns like fire. Roxas is laughing again, with even more of a crazy edge than before. He stops pacing, turns to Sora with a broken look on his face. Sora wants to run, wants to scream, but he can't leave, can't move. Can only sit, and listen as Roxas shatters all of his beliefs with his next words.

" _There is **nothing** good in the world._" The Light is burning brighter around him, the equivalent in strength to Sora's burns up around him, the brightness of it hurting Sora's eyes as he cringes away.

" _Don't you know **anything**? You're **nothing** to the Light,_" Roxas yells at him, and the Light creeps closer to Sora as he shuffles away, the Darkness in his Heart covering his body with shadows to shelter him from the Light.

The Light glows brighter, and as it covers Roxas' body, Sora can't help but notice how much like an angel he looks, with blond hair and blue eyes, and bright power clinging to him. Sora's vision goes white as he hears Roxas scream, " _You're **nobody**._ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Late, very late. Painfully late. And HTML copied oddly. Whatever. I'll fix it later.


	17. Part Sixteen

**Interlude LI : _Glow_**

"You're _wrong_ ," Sora breathes out, the words almost silent. His eyes are closed, but he can still see the Light surrounding Roxas, burning into his eyes like the image of the sun.

Roxas's Light dims as he pauses in his frantic pacing, and goes very still, not even blinking as he stares at Sora. "What did you say?" There's a dangerous edge in his voice, and Sora almost regrets pushing him even closer to breaking.

"You're wrong," Sora says again with more strength, and he opens his eyes to glare at Roxas. "You're _wrong_ , you _have_ to be!"

"You're naive," Roxas snaps back, eyes flashing. "You don't know anything about how the world works."

" _Neither do you_!" Sora shouts, and he pushes away the voice that whispers _what if he's **right**?_

Roxas smirks knowingly. "I _do_ know. _It used me first,_ to get back it's first, _better_ pawn. _You_."

Sora shakes his head violently and covers his ears, doesn't want to hear this, doesn't want the rest of his fragile beliefs torn down ruthlessly.

" _You're wrong!_ " he shrieks, voice getting louder and shriller as he becomes more frantic.

Roxas smirks as his other falls to pieces in front of him. Doesn't say a word, lets Sora rage at him while he watches in perfect silence.

Sora makes a noise that's almost a sob, his breath coming in shaky gasps. " _You can't be right!_ "

"And how can you know that?" Roxas asks in a soft voice, contrasting strongly with Sora's panicked yelling, "How can you be _so sure_ that _everything_ you've been told wasn't a lie?"

Sora screams, and shadows squirm around him, oozing as close to Roxas' Light as they dared. "No, _no_ , it's _not_ true, _I don't believe you!"_

"You're a _fool_."

" _Get out!_ " Sora yells, shadows growing as he stands. " _Get out of my head!_ "

"Why don't you see _anything_?"

Sora lashes out violently with his Darkness, and Roxas cries out when the shadows brush his skin. (Light and Dark, they can never coexist and they will _destroy_ each other when they collide)

Sora's shaking visibly, anger and confusion making the shadows thrash around him. " _No_. No, you're _wrong_ , you _can't_ be right. _You're lying!_ "

" _Open your eyes, **Sora**_!" Roxas yells, Light flashing brighter with the force of his frustration.

" ** _Get out of my head!_** " Sora _shoves_ at Roxas, the shadows pooling around his hands to strengthen the blow as he tries to _push_ his Nobody out of his head with the shadows.

Roxas sighs quietly he looks down at the tendrils of Darkness pressing him away, his Light gone, and the shadows seem to burn his skin black wherever they touch.

Sora's eyes sting with all the Light that clung to the other boy before, and he shakes his head.

"You don't know _anything_ ," Roxas says with unnatural, abnormal calm, and Sora's Darkness lashes out, exploding around them into shadows with glowing red eyes and slashing claws

"You're _wrong,_ " Sora says, and Roxas smiles bitterly.

He turns his eyes to the ground, and laughs softly. "It's still my Soul."

Sora frowns, shadows going still as he stares at him in confusion. "What?"

Blue eyes shine brilliantly, and he's like a mirror for Sora, of who he could have been if he had been a little less happy, a little less priviliged. A mirror of who he still can be, if he falls just a little further.

Roxas throws his hands out to the sides, and grins as the world turns white around them.

The shadows are flung back, away from Roxas, and Sora can feel the burn of Light warring against Dark.

The Light stretches up, glowing brighter and brighter like a bonfire as it burns the Darkness away, leaving Sora standing in the halo of Light around Roxas. And then the blond boy is standing not even a foot away, Light concentrated around his hands as he takes hold of Sora's shoulders. His smile is sad, blue eyes heavy with the weight of knowing that he had been created just so he could sacrifice himself to save someone he didn't even know.

He leans closer, and Sora flinches away from the brightness that scorches his eyes.

" _Get out of my head_ ," he whispers into Sora's ear, and reaches into his head, grabs onto his Other's Soul and _pushes._

He steps back, and smirks as Sora stumbles, and then releases his hold on the Light, letting it burn away the last shreds of Sora's mind that are left in his Soul. As his Other starts to loose himself, he says clearly, "You were wrong," just before he slams a metaphorical door on Sora's mind.

(And the last thing that Sora sees before his consciousness falls away, is _white_.)

•¤•¤•¤•¤•¤•

**Interlude XXXXXII : Disbelief**

It's Dark here.

I've been here before. This is... The Darkness. Where Riku is.

Roxas is gone. I can't feel him anymore, can't hear him. I wonder... did it work? It must have, he's... gone. It's unnerving, to be honest. Strange, when he was _there._ Now he's not and I feel almost empty.

We talked. In his Soul. He frightened me, I remember that. I don't want to believe him, don't want to belive that he was right.

It's not true, it can't be true. Roxas is wrong, he's wrong, and the world can't be that bleak.

But now I'm here again, in the Darkness. It's unfair, that nothing can be simple.

Unfair.

Unfair. Roxas talked about unfair, and I can't even pretend that I understand why everything seems to be so unfair, or why it seems that some people are dealt worse cards than others.

But... he can't be right, not about everything. There are good things, I know that there are. Somewhere.

I don't know how the world works, or why fate seems so cruel, and I don't know why everything seems so hard.

Sometimes I wish that I was the sort of person who could belive that everything happens for a reason. I can't though, can't think of a reason for the horrible things happening.

I can't belive that everything happens for a reason, when I don't know the reason. It's all well and good to think that, until you run out of answers. And I'm out of answers. I have been for a while.

I don't know why I'm here, in the Darkness again. I'm not even going to say that it must be for a reason, cause that would be a lie.

I'll look for Riku again, make sure he's safe. I guess that a little part of me believed Kairi when she told me that he was dead, because I'm worried that I won't find him.

This time, maybe I'll be able to rescue him, take him home and he can live in the little apartment with Kairi and me. That way, we can be together again. Always.

I'll... I'll find him. Then I'll find a way home to Kairi.

It'll work.

I promise.

•¤•¤•¤•¤•¤•

**Interlude LIII : _Whispers on the Wind_**

Someone's coming.

Someone's close, they'll be here soon. Selphie sensed them, told me that they're lost and that they don't belong here.

I wonder who it is, who will be here soon.

It... it can't be him, not him because he's gone and he went away and he didn't come back even though he _promised_.

Not him. It must be someone else, someone like us who found their way to the Darkness and found their way to us.

Strange, strange, Selphie says that his aura is odd and _not right._

We'll find then, whoever they are. We're looking, all of us, and we will find them. With Selphie-aura-seer with us nothing can hide, not even the Darkness can shield them from us. We'll find, we'll search and we'll bring them here to us. They'll be one of us, another piece of the thirteen brought together.

Thirteen, _thirteen_ , unlucky number and such a _strange_ choice for the total, thirteen, an odd number can't be divided into groups of two for missions. One left over, the leader _alone_ without a partener, and I don't think that I ever did like thirteen, not at all.

We are few now, but we'll grow. They'll be more to come, more to join, more to help. Then we'll be thirteen, and then maybe we'll be more and we will have an even number to split into teams of two. Leader won't be alone, leader will have a partner to help and watch his back.

More, _more_ , the new one is coming and he's getting _closer_ every second. He's drawn to us because we are strong and we protect our own. The Darkness is vast, stretching to infinity on all sides, you could walk for eternity and never meet another Soul. All alone for ever and ever.

We're not alone _here_ , we have a team and even though we're few, we're not alone. And there'll be more soon, more and more until there is _thirteen_.

Thirteen. And then the leader will be alone again.

_Leader_

who brought them together and made them safe and not alone, pushed away the solitude of endless Darkness. He will be alone.

Not fair, _not fair_. They'll be ungrateful, they won't _care_. When they're set free in their teams of two they'll leave and they won't _ever_ look back. Not fair.

_Nothing's_

fair, _life_ isn't fair, just the reality and it can't be changed. Leader will be alone, and leader will rise above and leave behind the loneliness just like the thirteen will leave him behind.

Not much longer. We are few now, but more will join. Friends, and ones unknown. They'll all come, drawn to us and the power we have. They'll join the group, join the thirteen and become a piece of the _whole_.

Soon, we will have enough. Soon, they'll all leave.

And I will be alone again.

•¤•¤•¤•¤•¤•

**Interlude LIV : _Empty_**

Something here is making me feel nervous, and I'm so tired, that I can't even be bothered to be worried about it. I won't worry, don't have a reason to.

There's no bad feeling like before the Heartless attacked Destiny Islands right now. I don't feel like anything _bad_ is going to happen, so I don't think that I have anything to worry about.

I just feel _nervous_ , for no reason that I know of.

The Darkness is familiar, quiet and empty. When I walk, my feet make no noise on the strange ground made of something that I've never seen before. If I speak, the sound cuts through the choking silence, so loud that it almost hurts.

I'm walking towards nothing that I know, nowhere in my mind as I move forward.

Or maybe I'm moving backwards, and the Darkness in my head is just making me _think_ that I'm moving forward. Moving forward and making progress, maybe it's not happening and I'm not going anywhere. Standing still, never making anything happen.

There no way for me to know if I'm really walking forward, or not. So I'll just keep going, towards nowhere, and wait to find someone, _something_ even.

I _have_ to keep moving, because I think that if I stayed still for too long, I'd go crazy. I'm the only thing that moves here.

I'm the only thing that seems _real_.

There's no wind, no breezes, and it's strange how normal they are. Stramge how much a person takes for granted movement and life.

Nothing's alive here, not the shriveled trees that are scattered arpund this place. No animals, no bugs. Nothing.

I'm the only thing here, and I'm not sure if what my existance here wouls be considered alive.

The air is dry, and at the same time not. It's not warm or cold, a strange inbetween of the two that feels completely abnormal. I don't think that I need to breathe here, it's just... an old habit. The air doesn't feel normal when I breathe. Like everything here, it's strange.

There are no scents, no tastes. It's like... sensory deprivation. Like I'm deprived of... something vital.

I don't remember it being this bad last time, not this strange, not this empty.

I _knew_ that there were other people around the last time. I _knew_ that I wasn't the only one here. But this time, it's different.

I feel like I'm... alone here. I feel like I'm the only thing here.

Maybe that's what's making me feel nervous, that emptiness.

The thought that I could walk forever and never find anyone.

Never find Aqua to help me out of the Darkness again. Never find Riku. Never keep my promise.

It does make me nervous.

Make me wonder... what I'd do, if I was stuck here forever. Makes me wonder how Aqua, how Riku ever lasted here and stayed _themselves_.

I'll keep walking, keep looking, keep waiting. Search for something else, someone else.

So that I won't be so alone.

So that this place doesn't feel as empty as it does.

I'll move forward, and make progress, because I need to.

I will.

•¤•¤•¤•¤•¤•

**Interlude LV : _Enough_**

It's always felt empty here, I've always felt alone. But it's worse now, somehow it's more... impossible.

There's no hope in anyone. The people that I meet, they don't feel the _longing_ to find their way back to the Light. They're just... hopeless. As if they've resigned themselves to tge fact that they're stuck here, and that they'll never leave.

It's hard to help them when they all act like this. Before, when they'd be willing to attempt anything, willing to _work_ at finding the Light, I could help them.

I could tell them how to find their Light, tell them what they needed to do to escape this place. And they'd do it, they wanted out, they wanted to be back in a place that Light still touched.

But now they won't even try.

It was easier before, because I got to see people find their way home after I helped them. I got to be something _good_ here in the Darkness.

And that was fine. I couldn't leave, and I knew that. I knew that I couldn't, so I found something to keep be busy while I was here for however long.

I'd long since resigned myself to the fate that I would never leave here. I'd had a very long time to get used to that idea, and it didn't bother me. I helped people.

That was what I did, I helped them find their Light again, find their way home again, because it was better than nothing. I knew that if I couldn't leave, I could at least do something beneficial while I was stuck. I knew that even if I couldn't leave, all of the other people could.

It was _enough_.

It was enough to keep me, if not happy, then satisfied.

Enough until I met the boy who was like me. The one named Riku whose Heart held more Darkness than someone as young as him should ever know. I couldn't help him, and somehow he knew that. It didn't bother him, he wasn't angry, or even sad. Just... _tired_. Like me.

It should have been more upsetting, finding someone I couldn't help, but he was so tired that I couldn't let myself get angry at the unfairbess of the world when he was exhausted enough that _he_ wasn't.

I... I think that after that, I forgot about him for a while. Time passed and I helped people. It was enough.

It was enough that I didn't even notice things changing until I met Riku again.

He was just as tired, maybe even more so than before. He wanted me to help someone. Someone who was special to him.

And then Sora happened. Changed... everything about this place. He was Riku's Light, and he was like a _sun_. I understood then why the Keyblade had chosen him. It was that aura of _good_ that he carried, the Light in his Heart.

But he brought change with him, brought the shadows. Riku got... hurt, somehow. And Sora left, his Light burning everything away.

The grey place was worse than here. All of the unknowns, all of the questions it brought. I've tried to find it again, searched and walked and never found it. I didn't take a chance, didn't go to the unknown, I came back here.

The Darkness is what I know. Or, it's what I _knew_.

The people don't want to leave anymore. They don't let me help them, and they don't _try_.

They're all so tired, and they're all so sad to see because they've given up.

This used to be my place, this used to be where I thought that I'd stay forever. Where I'd help people and do somethi.g good in the Darkness.

I want to blame someone. Blame Sora, for changing _everything_ when it was enough the way that it was. Blame Riku for bringing him to me, or maybe even blame myself and Terra and Ventus for not being strong enough.

When Sora left, he changed everything. And I realized that I never really tried.

I never found a loophole like Riku did when he would make the door to the Light. I never found the grey place before Sora, never found my Light.

I never doubted what I'd been told before, and I never asked myself the questions I didn't want to answer.

I never admitted that the reason I was so quick to believe that I was stuck here, was because I didn't want to know what was waiting for me outside.

I never admitted that I was... afraid, because that would have been a weakness, and I had been trained not to show weakness in the face of adversity.

I was afraid that there wouldn't be anyone waiting for me. I'm still afraid of that, but now _everything_ is different.

It used to be enough that other people could go home with my help. But now they don't want my help, now they don't go home.

This used to be the place that I belonged, and I _chose_ to return here from the grey place.

But I can't help people anymore, I can't be the something _good_ in the Darkness.

It's not _enough_ anymore.

And I think, that _maybe_ , it never was.

•¤•¤•¤•¤•¤•

**Interlude LVI : _Time_**

Waiting is difficult for me, for all of us. Even more difficult now that we actually have something to wait for.

When time just passes without anything to wait for, anything to look forward to, it passes faster. Or maybe it's just me, just my mind slowing down when I'm waiting for something.

They're looking, all of them. All of them are searching, searching, searching. Hunting him down before something else does. It's taking a long time, more time than it should. It feels like more time that I'm sure it really is. But it does feel long, tiring. Waiting and waiting, not knowing what or who exactly I'm waiting for, but still waiting.

Still anticipating someone, the next person to join us, join the whole.

The time passes strangely. As if sometimes it passes in the blink of an eye, and sometimes it stands still. Unmoving, unchanging. When the time here doesn't move, then we can only wait and search. We'll search, but when the time stops moving, then we know that we will not find anyone until the clock starts ticking again.

It's the Darkness, it does it. It changes everything, changes what happens, changes what we really know about this place.

_He_

is close, very close, and I need to wait for them to find him. They will, I know they will. It's only a matter of time. Time, which changes and stops and never stays the same. Will take however long, will take an impossibly long time.

It will feel like an eternity that we will wait. In reality, it might not take long at all, or it might. It may slow, or it may just be anticipation that makes it seem longer.

But we will find him eventually, and bring him here to be one of us. More, we will have more. In time, in the time it takes for the clock to stop changing and the seconds to start moving at a proper pace.

The Darkness is having fun with us, confusing us. And it's working, twisting time just because it can, just because it's the _whole world_ here. It can do this, so it will. It will slow us down, but it won't stop us forever. We will find him, even if it really does take eternity. Because we have eternity. We are the only ones, and we are powerless to change the Darkness' mind. It will do what it wants, and it will change everything whenever it wants to.

But we will continue to search, since there's nothing else for us to do. We're waiting, and we can only search, and search for what we are waiting for. Work against time, work against the changing clock to find him, and become the thirteen that we need to be.

Time is still moving right now, but it will slow soon, and stop. Then we will wait, and wait, and wait. Let the clock stop, and stop moving ourselves while we wait for the Darkness to let us move once more.

It's slowing... slowing down, and so am I. Time is... stopping.

•¤•¤•¤•¤•¤•

**Interlude LVII : _Nothing_**

It's taking a very long time for anything to happen. A long time for any change, and there still hasn't been any change. I've been walking, passing shriveled up little trees and stumbling over rocks in the ground, and I still haven't seen any visible changes.

I don't want to be here, but I don't know how to leave on my own. I left before, but I had help. Aqua was the one who told me how to leave in the first place, an Rilu was there to make me strong enough to actually find a way out.

I need to find some one who can help me. Aqua, she could help me again, I know that she could. Or finding you, I know that would help too.

At least it would be a change. And at this point, I don't care if it's a good change of a bad change. Anything would be better than this.

And finding you... That would make me stronger again. Make this place seem a little bit less endlessly empty.

But I haven't found you, and I don't know if I actually _am_ going to, or if I'll wander forever without any change whatsoever.

Kairi told me that you were dead, and I don't even blame her for wanting to make me forget. Can't blame her, when sometimes I feel the same way. I'm not angry because of that, not angry at her. I don't think that I ever really was, not even in the beginning.

But Kairi said that you were _dead_ , and I don't believe her because I _can't_ believe her, but a tiny part of me _did_ believe her when she told me. A tiny part of me _wanted_ to believe.

I still wonder. I still wonder if that's why I haven't found you yet. It didn't take this long the last time. I didn't walk this far before, but _I don't know_.

I haven't seen anyone, I've just been walking and watching. There is just Darkness and emptiness. It's _awful_ , and it makes me feel sick because it's so depressing. So lonely and so... _nothing_.

And during all of this, I've got too much time to think.

While I walk towards nothing, I have all the time in all of the worlds to think, and realize regrets that I didn't even know I had. They do say that hindsight is 20/20, and all I can see is what I should have done differently.

I've been thinking, and wondering, and there's still one thing that I don't have the answer to.

I still don't know what would have happened if we had never decided to leave. I still don't know whether it would have made a difference. If maybe more people would have survived if the keyblade had chosen someone different.

I don't even know if it _would_ have chose someone different if we had never left, or if it would have chosen me again, found me and pulled me away from home even if we never decided to leave.

I still don't know if I made any of the right choices.

I still don't what I should have done.

•¤•¤•¤•¤•¤•

**Interlude LVIII : _Infinitely More_**

"I can feel him," she whispers, eyes closed tightly. "He's close."

She can see without her eyes, see the only thing that manages to stay visible here and burn through the Darkness. She can see him, without her eyes. Can almost _feel_ him with that sixth almost-sense that's he has now.

It won't be much longer, he's close. Selphie says so, and I'll believe Selphie. If I can't trust my own, then I can't trust anyone. So I'll trust her, and believe that he really is close and believe that we don't have much longer to wait.

"Find him," I say, and the words slip out with a velvety, soft and almost oily tone. It makes her start, makes her jump at the abruptness of it shattering the silence.

She nods frantically, moving forward with eyes still closed. Tidus is at her elbow, hand steadying her as she walks without the sight from her eyes, following only the sense of him nearby. She doesn't see the uneven terrain, she doesn't see the rocks and trees that reach up to slow her down and make her fall. Tidus leads her around the worst of it, guides her past the bumpiest areas.

"Find him, _fast_."

There's a sense of desperateness in the air, as though we're running out of time even though the clock sometimes stops for what feels like it could be hours. Panicked hurry, and Selphie feels it too. She's stumbling forward quickly and pulling Tidus, who's supposed to be guiding her himself, forward over the rough, rocky ground. Past withered black trees, across the shadows and caves. The clock is moving quickly now, the hands turning, and whatever few, precious minutes we gained when it stopped have gone past in the blink of an eye.

The moments that it stopped have made no difference now, given us no more time than we would have had, not now that it's moving fast enough to take away any and all of the seconds we gained. It's moving so fast now, lost the slow, sluggish movement it was making in favor of a rushed, too fast slide across time. Moving smoothly forward in double time, keeping us moving just as quickly.

We slip over the cold, black ground like it's ice and we're on skates gliding past. Fast, fast, the trees passing rapidly before our eyes on either side. Lost all of the slowness we had, the clock moving too fast, too fast.

"Hurry," something hisses lowly, and it seems to come from my own throat.

" _Hurry_."

Upon hearing it, Selphie trips, and Tidus catches her by the shoulders as she gasps, keeps her from falling. Falling at this pace would hurt, would be _breaking_ if she collided with the rocks covering the ground.

She doesn't slow, doesn't stop. Keeps her eyes closed and recovers fom the near-fall. Tidus' hold on her is tighter, more careful now. She's more reckless as she runs, searching, searching, searching.

The urgency is more intense, more pressing and overpowering. It's the only thing we know. The rush of hunting, and the fear of not succeeding in time to find him.

"He's coming," Selphie cries out, hidden in the Darkness and shadows ahead of me, unseen, voice trembling and almost fearful.

"He's close."

•¤•¤•¤•¤•¤•

**Interlude LIX : _Try_**

I'm going to try, because I _can_.

All of the other people here, they can't, they don't want to because it's different now and nothing seems possible to them.

It used to be that I would help the people that I met here because I couldn't help myself. That's changed, and I can't help them anymore. And now, I'm thinking that maybe I _can_ try, maybe I can help myself.

That's not true. I could always try, I could try, and try, and try, but nothing would ever happen, and it would never work.

I was scared about what would be left for be when I got back to places where Light touched. I was scared that maybe _nothing_ I knew would still be there.

Talking with Sora, talking with Riku even, learning that there are no other Keyblade wielders protecting the worlds other than _one boy_. Terra, Ventus, anyone I knew, they aren't around anymore.

Didn't wait for me, somehow, somewhy, and I never did go looking for them because I never really tried. They didn't wait for me and they left me behind before moving onto something else, and at some point while we were all apart I think that we forgot just how much we used to mean to each other.

Left me behind, and maybe that's because they aren't even around to wait for me anymore, or maybe it's because they got tired of waiting and just gave up.

I would't blame them. I can't, because that would just make me a hypocrite.

Because at some point, after trying, and trying, and never going anywhere here, I gave up too.

I never expected to see them again. I never expected to even leave here because after pushing so hard and not having moved even an inch, it seemed impossible. The helping was enough for me.

It was enough, but at the same time not because I always, always felt sonething missing. And it was them, I know that now.

But I can't help anymore, and I can't be so scared anymore.

That's not who I used to be, the person who held a Keyblade and helped save the worlds, she wouldn't have been scared just by the unknowns. But I lost that person, somewhere, and I took a huge step back and became someone who isn't worthy of a Keyblade.

The reason that I've always been so scared to _really_ try, and _really_ discover a way out, is because I don't know who will be waiting for me. I don't even know if anyone will be, or if they got tired of waiting and left me behind .

I can't be scared of that anymore. I can't be so scared of being alone outside of here. I'm already alone. Before, I had the people that I'd help. But now that they don't even want help, they don't need me. I'm alone.

And it makes no difference if I'm here, or if I'm somewhere in the Light.

But I can't be this girl anymore, the one who's so scared. I need to be stronger, better. Someone who really is worthy of a Keyblade.

I can't stay here anymore, because the longer I stay the more frightened I get. I can't be the something good in the Darkness anymore, can't help people like I did when I couldn't help myself.

I need to help myself now, since they don't want my help anymore and they don't even really want to leave.

I do. I want to leave, _need_ to leave.

And I can.

That's why I'm going to try.

•¤•¤•¤•¤•¤•

**Interlude LX : _Alone_**

This has happened too many times than I'd like to be true, and yet it still comes as a surprise to me that once again I'm alone.

Alone, and afraid, and so _lost_ even though I'm not the one who's really lost, because without one of them with me, my world makes no sense.

It always happens. This is always the way that it works out.

Somehow, the way that it always, always works out is that I'm the one who gets left behind.

He's sleeping again, and I'm alone.

He's sleeping again, somewhere in the Darkness as his body sleeps in the hospital bed beside me. He took the first chance he had to go looking for him. To go back to the Darkness and find him. He left me behind, and it still surprises me even though it shouldn't.

It's not like they try to leave me alone, I don't think. It's not like they make a point of it, it just always happens, and just after we've found each other again, we'll get pulled apart. Them off somewhere far away, and me left behind wondering where they are and what they're doing.

And sometimes, at times like this, I can't help but wonder if this is the world's way of telling us that maybe we were _wrong_ from the very beginning, and maybe we're not the three musketeers and maybe we're not meant to be together. That maybe we can't be happy togrther, and maybe we should learn to live on our own.

It _always_ happens, and we always get separated, and I'm _always_ the one who gets left behind.

We were so close when we were little, and we really were the three musketeers. But then that changed when we decided to leave, and we suddenly didn't mean as much to each other as we had before. There was so much more to be seen, to be _lived_ , and our friendship didn't mean the world to us as it had because it _wasn't_ the world, and there were so many more to see.

Sora always wanted, _needed_ , to find Riku. Always, and that hasn't changed yet. It's what's pulled him away from me again, and what will keep pulling him away. It keeps us apart, and it's why he is still leaving me behind after all this time.

And sometimes I think I wish that I had been telling the truth when I told Sora that Riku was dead, because maybe then he'd finally have a chance to move on, and finally get to let go and stop _searching_. But then I remember his face, and I remember the way that they were together.

Then I start to wonder if maybe, the world really _is_ trying to tell us something in it's own way by keeping us from being together and I just never understood or even _wanted_ to understand.

I'm always the one who ends up left behind. They _always_ leave me behind.

And I wonder if, maybe, _I'm_ the one who doesn't belong with them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no clue when the next part will be done. No clue whatsoever.


End file.
